Here's What God Thinks About Fidget Spinners

( LAUGHTER ) WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON IN THE
WORLD?
OH, I KNOW!
THE CATHOLIC CHURCH -- THIS IS HARD FOR ME BECAUSE I'M
CATHOLIC.
I LOVE MY CHURCH AND I GO TO CHURCH AND, UNFORTUNATELY, THE
CATHOLIC CHURCH IS FACED WITH A CRISIS.
AND I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.
IS: FIDGET SPINNERS!
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS
"FREAKING OUT ABOUT."
THAT'S SURPRISING.
YOU'D THINK THEY'D SUPPORT ANYTHING THAT KEEPS PEOPLE AWAKE
DURING MASS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE DEBATE IS LOVELY BUT IT CAN
FEEL LONG SOMETIMES.
THE DEBATE IS RAGING ONLINE, BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE THINK THE
TOY COULD REPRESENT THE HOLY TRINITY, AND VARIOUS PRIESTS
HAVE BEEN USING THE DEVICE TO EXPLAIN ITS MEANING.
WHICH IS GOOD SINCE, UP UNTIL NOW, THE ONLY WAY TO EXPLAIN THE
HOLY TRINITY WAS THE TURDUCKEN.
( LAUGHTER ) INSTEAD OF A CHICKEN ON THE
INSIDE, IT'S A DOVE.
OKAY.
LET ME SPELL THIS OUT.
FOR NOT-YET CONVERTED PRE-CATHOLICS OUT THERE, THE
HOLY TRINITY IS A CENTRAL DOCTRINE OF CATHOLICISM THAT GOD
IS THREE PERSONS IN ONE BEING.
THERE'S THE FATHER, THE SON, AND THE HOLY SPIRIT, AND...
FIRM CORRECTLY...
-- IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY -- I THINK THEY'RE STACKED ON TOP
OF EACH OTHER IN A TRENCHCOAT SO THEY CAN SEE A RATED-R MOVIE.
IF YOU'RE CONFUSED, FIRST OF ALL: WELCOME TO CATHOLICISM.
IT'S A MYSTERY.
( LAUGHTER ) SECONDLY, HOW DO FIDGET SPINNERS
RELATE TO ALL THIS?
ALLOW THIS VIRAL MEME TO FIDGE-SPLAIN.
THE PRONGS OF THE SPINNER ARE THE FATHER, SON, AND HOLY
SPIRIT.
AND ONCE THEY'RE SPINNING ON THE SACRED BALL BEARING, THEY COME
TOGETHER TO FORM ONE GOD.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT BAD.
IT'S NOT A BAD -- I MEAN, THAT SPEAKS TO ME.
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: I GET IT.
I KIND OF LIKE IT.
( APPLAUSE ) I KIND OF LIKE IT.
IT'S PRETTY HIP.
BUT NOT EVERYONE IS HAPPY ABOUT COOL PRIESTS USING FIDGET
SPINNERS, NOTABLY CATHOLIC WEBSITES LIKE U-CATHOLIC.COM.
WHICH, BY THE WAY, HAS GOT TO BE THE WORST LATE NIGHT TEXT.
( LAUGHTER ) WANT TO GET TOGETHER AND --
NOTHING?
>> Jon: HA HA, GONNA WAIT IT OUT!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: U-CATHOLIC SAYS
THE IDEA THAT THE FIDGET SPINNER EXPLAINS THE
HOLY TRINITY IS "HERETICAL.
EACH PERSON OF THE TRINITY IS FULLY GOD, NOT A 1/3 COMPONENT
THAT, WHEN COMBINED WITH OTHERS, BECOMES 'GOD.'
THAT FALLS INTO PARTIALISM, MODALISM, OR SABELLIANISM."
THAT'S RIGHT, PARENTS, IS YOUR TEEN DOING SABELLIANISM?
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK FOR THE WARNING SIGNS, LIKE
KNOWING WHAT SABELLIANISM IS.
I HAVE NO IDEA.
BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
IT'S TRADITION TO EXPLAIN THE HOLY TRINITY WITH WHATEVER'S
LYING AROUND.
IN THE 4TH CENTURY IN IRELAND, NONE OTHER THAN SAINT PATRICK
USED A SHAMROCK TO EXPLAIN IT.
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO DRINK A LOT OF GUINNESS IF YOU WANT TO SEE IT
SPIN.
( LAUGHTER ) UNFORTUNATELY, WE MAY NEVER KNOW
IF COMPARING FIDGET SPINNERS TO THE HOLY TRINITY IS RIGHT OR
WRONG UNLESS A HIGHER AUTHORITY WEIGHS IN.
>> HEY-O!
JEHOVAH IN THE JE-HIZZY!
WHOO!
>> Stephen: HEY!
IT'S GOD, EVERYBODY!
SAY HELLO TO THE LORD!
>> HEY, EVERYBODY!
>> Stephen: HI, GOD!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> TECHNICALLY, I'M EVERYWHERE.
EXCEPT IKEA ON SATURDAY.
THAT PLACE IS INSANE.
>> STEPHEN: HEY, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS FIDGET SPINNER
CRISIS?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
I LOVE FIDGET SPINNERS.
CHECK IT OUT.
WHOO!
>> STEPHEN: WAIT, YOU HAVE A FIDGET SPINNER?
>> OH, YEAH.
HELPS ME WITH MY ANXIETY.
I USED TO GET SO WORKED UP THAT I MISSED EVERY SEVENTH DAY OF
WORK.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: WELL, LORD, WHAT'S
YOUR TAKE ON FIDGET SPINNERS, GOD?
SHOULD THEY BE USED TO REPRESENT THE HOLY TRINITY?
>> DEFINITELY!
IT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN KEEP IT STRAIGHT.
THREE PERSONS IN ONE GOD?
WHAT IS THIS, "TWIN PEAKS?" ARE YOU WATCHING THIS NEW
SEASON?
IT'S REALLY WEIRD!
FREAKS ME OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: SO THERE'S NOTHING
SACRILEGIOUS ABOUT THIS?
>> NO, YOU CAN USE ALL SORTS OF TOYS TO REPRESENT RELIGIOUS
CONCEPTS.
LIKE A SLINKY ON THE STAIRS.
IT STARTS AT THE TOP AND THEN KEEPS MOVING DOWN, JUST LIKE THE
FALL OF MAN.
OOH, HEAVY!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU'RE BLOWING MY
MIND, LORD.
YOU'RE BLOWING MY MIND.
THAT'S WHAT I DO.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
THE LORD HAS SPOKEN.
MAYBE I'LL GO BUY A FIDGET SPINNER.
>> THEN I'LL SEE YOU IN HEAVEN SOON!
THEY'RE A TOTAL CHOKING HAZARD!
>> STEPHEN: THE LORD, EVERYBODY.

Here's What God Thinks About Fidget Spinners

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