Injustice 2 (Zero Punctuation)

I think it's fair to say that the DC comics universe and its various adaptations could
stand to take itself a touch less seriously.
"Oh, it's easy to be an armchair cinematographer, isn't it," snarks Johnny DC in reply.
"You try getting in a cheery mood when your films need to break four hundred million on
opening weekend or your executives will have to take a pay cut and cause the collapse of
the local pool cleaning industry."
I'm just saying, Johnny DC, that Superman and Batman crying in the rain smashing each
other's faces in and talking like pro wrestlers with mouthfuls of cat litter might be drifting
somewhat from the essence of those characters, that is to say, power fantasies for little
boys who don't want to tidy their rooms.
But here's Injustice 2 anyway, another teamup between the DC universe and Netherrealm, the
Mortal Kombat people.
Although DC shouldn't feel special because the last Mortal Kombat game ended up crossing
over with Alien, Predator, Jason Voorhees, the Rocky Horror Picture Show and basically
everyone that ever replied to their emails, so I'd advise DC to get themselves down the
clap clinic once they get back from the honeymoon.
Still, as I believe I said last time, the one on one fighting game and the superhero
comics universe are a natural combo, as both are concerned with larger-than-life characters
beating the snot out of each other for one incredibly contrived reason after another.
The broad incredibly contrived reason running through the Injustice property is a falling
out between Batman and Superman over whether or not killing people is good.
Batman takes the position that killing is the uncrossable line at which all negotiation
breaks down and vigilance gives way to tyranny, while Superman takes the position that waah
waah I'm really sad and cross and I'm not going to tidy my room so there.
After the events of the first game, Superman is in super prison until he jolly well does
tidy his room, young man, Batman's trying to rebuild the world, Supergirl has turned
up and is being misled by Wonder Woman who had precisely none of Superman's motivation
to turn evil but did so anyway with about twice the gusto because that's what happens
when you let those slimy girls into the treehouse club, isn't it, lads, and to this big ball
of nonsense comes a new threat in the form of Brainiac,
planet destroying one-man Borg collective and classic Superman villain named presumably
by someone who assumed they were writing an escapist fantasy for little boys and not a
gritty apocalyptic horror epic.
Injustice 2 takes a stark, realistic art style that makes the main cast resemble a bunch
of mums and dads escorting their kids to the cosplay convention and getting a little bit
too into it.
The highly realistic faces are breakfasting at the ski lodge overlooking the Uncanny Valley,
especially when Black Canary does her screaming attack and she looks more like she stubbed
her toe on a coffee table.
But hey, all the realistic graphics in the world would go to waste the instant a fight
actually starts and the two characters start boinging back and forth like a pair of hyperactive
grasshoppers playing British Bulldog.
And yet, the obvious effort that went into making things look arse-achingly authentic
is contrasted against a distinct lack of effort everywhere else.
It's obvious that they've simply taken the basic skeleton of Mortal Kombat X and slotted
different characters in.
It uses the exact same pre-fight banter script - character A says banter, character B says
response banter, character A gets offended, commence hyperactive grasshopper business.
Same camera angles, same elaborate animations every time.
Gorilla Grodd always produces a skull and crushes it when delivering banter line 3.
Where is he getting all these skulls from?
Is there a little offscreen monkey slave with a big bag of the fuckers?
Also, I wonder if some of the choices of D-list character additions might have been affected
by what assets Netherrealm already had lying around.
We had Killer Frost last time and now Captain Cold, I suspect because they'd already made
a load of ice effects for Sub Zero in the last Mortal Kombat game.
Who, incidentally, is also getting added to this game as DLC, which is an act of supreme
redundancy.
That is, at best, putting a cherry on top of another cherry that already had a cherry
on it.
I worry this sort of thing is going to turn into what Guitar Hero turned into, but with
characters instead of songs.
If you're just gonna use basically the same bloody framework every time, why even bother
making entirely new games when you can just keep adding downloadable characters to the
existing ones?
That's pretty much how MUGEN works.
Perhaps I should keep my ideas to myself because I can faintly hear the sound of Warner Bros
executives hyperventilating.
I'm still not a big fan of actually playing fighting games.
It's for twitchy people who like inputting stupidly complex button combinations at very
short notice, like a jazz pianist on meth.
Tutorial doesn't help.
Still got no idea what the fuck a Bounce Cancel is unless it's a surefire way to disappoint
a children's party.
I would think these five minute long super moves would break up the game flow rather
drastically, maybe fighting game fans appreciate having a little time out to sip their coke
and reset all their finger bones.
But you know what, I've come to appreciate fighting games as a sort of bare bones exploration
of characters.
My favourite Batman villain is Scarecrow.
Dunno why, maybe 'cos his bits were the highlight of both Arkham Asylum and Batman Begins, maybe
'cos I bet no one ever gets all up in his grill for not liking Smash Brothers enough,
and I admit I got a kick out of playing as him in this game and going through his tower
mode and ending.
Of course before I could do that I had to find the tower mode, and they don't make that
easy.
It's buried right at the bottom of multiverse mode like a furtively-stashed porn mag under
a mattress.
Multiverse mode incidentally is the method by which the game stacks up six or seven random
unrelated fights and pretends you're achieving something.
It's the long sought after missing link between gaming and data entry.
The other main new feature is gear drops.
Crack open your hard-earned loot boxes and you'll be rewarded with a glove, a pocket
square and a sweatband for Dullard Woman and Captain Neverused, which ups their flouncing
ability by 0.1%.
This loot crate shit is an indictment of the times, especially since it's always so bloody
successful.
But it's not like unlocking a fun alternative costume where the Joker looks like how he
looked in landmark issue 537 of Flouncey Comics, most of the gear does very little to change
the overall look of a character.
Most of Superman's torsos are just a hundred variations on a theme of 'blue jumper with
lines on it'.
So in terms of what I want out of a fighting game, Injustice 2 is cloyingly stupid.
Watching the story mode and its increasingly contrived setups for a conveyer belt of fights
in the same six or seven locations is like watching a school play with an irresponsibly
extravagant budget, and incidentally, did everyone just forget that normal humans can't
beat up superhumans on equal footing or is that one of those things we weren't supposed
to notice?
But you know what, Injustice 2 is like a puppy chewing a fire extinguisher.
Charming in its stupidity, but I'd rather watch it on Youtube than have it in my house.

Injustice 2 (Zero Punctuation)

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