Lawyering Up - The President Show

I realized this week that I need to build a tremendous legal team
to help me with this investigation
that I'm totally not under.
Wink.
It's time for "Lawyering Up!"
(dramatic theme music playing)
(applause and cheering)
Well, Gloria, I'd shake your hand, but
I don't want to get sued for touching you inappropriately.
You would be.
I'm in a bit of trouble, Kuby. I'm not gonna lie.
So I understand.
I am auditioning lawyers to be on my legal team. First off,
how Jewy are you? On a scale of one to Jerry,
are you, like, a four or a five?
'Cause we all know Jewish lawyers
are the best.
I'm very Jewy.
Not very Jewy.
I don't even understand that question.
See? There we go.
A coy Jew.
Now, you've defended con artists,
foreign agents and mobsters,
but have you ever done all three at once?
This would be my first if I took the case.
-Triple Lindy. -Yeah.
If I hired you,
-would I be your favorite client? -First of all,
you'd be second to O.J. Simpson...
-Love the guy. -...Klaus von Bülow...
Great guy, too.
...Mike Tyson...
-Here we go. -...and Bill Clinton?
-Bill Clinton? -Yeah.
I don't think that you remember me.
I have a-a lawsuit against you.
-What? -On behalf of Summer Zervos,
-Oh, God. -who is one of the women
that during the presidential campaign...
Oh, wow. Is this the way the interview's going?
...who accused you of actually doing
some of the things that you said...
-I object! -...you did on that Access Hollywood tape.
-You're out of order! -Where you alleged
you could grab a woman by...
I'm not going to use the word that you said.
-Pussy. -Genital, and
then you said they're liars.
-Yeah, liars. -And I filed
a lawsuit against you which is now pending
-in New York City. -That's the kind of lawyer
-I want. -I can't! It's a conflict.
You attended Yale Law School.
-I did. -And then, you're a professor at Harvard.
-Mm-hmm. -What, you think you're better than me?
Absolutely. I have no doubt that I'm better than you.
Uh, you went to University of Pennsylvania.
-Wharton. I went to Wharton. -Fourth or fifth ranked.
-I went to Wharton. Please. -I went to Yale Law School.
-Number one... school. Harvard Law School. -Number one?
-Give me a break, Dershowitz. -I am much better than you.
-But don't Dershowitz me. -Don't you want a lawyer
-that's better than you? -Don't Dershowitz me.
-You want a lawyer that's worse than you? -Yes!
We have attorney-client privilege, right?
-No, we don't. -All right, I'm gonna
-admit some things to test it. -I'm gonna
tell everybody everything you've said here today.
Anything you tell me is completely confidential.
-I could tell you anything? -Anything.
I have a small heart attack four times a day.
-Ah. Okay. -I think
about Jeff Sessions in a bikini all the time.
-Do you? -I have
Rue McClanahan's brain in a jar.
Are you sure these are things that I should know?
I want to hunt and eat a male ballerina.
-Oh, my God. -I masturbate with both hands.
Who-who... who doesn't?
Alan, am I being investigated or not?
You are being investigated-ish.
-Uh, ish. -Is this Yiddish? Are you speaking Yiddish?
I am speak...
(both speaking Yiddish)
Uh, yeah, yeah. Ish.
Eh, not quite investigated,
not quite not investigated.
But let's face it, around The White House, it's mishegoss.
It is.
If I become your lawyer, will you actually
do the things I suggest you do?
-No. -Okay. Will you
stop doing the things I suggest you stop doing?
No.
Okay. Thank you... for that.
What is my biggest legal problem?
Did you ever hear these words?
-(loudly): Obstruction of justice? -Ow!
No, I haven't heard them till you said them.
Can I sue James Comey?
If you tried to get him to stop investigating you...
I didn't do it.
That's potentially obstruction of justice.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
-Did I win something? -That is an impeachable offense!
-You can't handle the truth! -(scoffs)
You don't know where I'm coming from. I'm crazy like a fox.
'Cause it makes your job easier.
No, it makes my job better, because
-if you get yourself indicted... -Right.
-...or impeached, I have a real job! -What?
And you're helping me enormously.
Everything you say, everything you do
makes it more likely you're going to get impeached.
Resign now while there's still time.
Do you think you could keep me out of jail?
If you do what I tell you to do...
-Yes. -...I can keep you out of prison.
I'm not sure at this point that-that I want to.
You know something? There's a lot I'd like to do with you.
-And to you. -There's a lot I'd like to do with you, too.
-It's all legal, though. It's all... -Mine's all illegal.
-Really? -Oh. Oh, boy, Gloria.
Don't do this to me.
You are so disgusting.
Thank you!
♪ ♪
Gloria,
let me tell you something.
I wish I could have you on my legal team,
but you just didn't represent yourself
with the knowledge of the body of the law that's needed.
Unfortunately...
you haven't passed the interview...
and you're fired.
♪ ♪
Kuby, though I think you're smart,
you're ultimately a dirty hippie.
I have to go with my gut.
You're fired.
♪ ♪
Alan Dershowitz,
unfortunately you're too Jewish even for me.
You're fired.
♪ ♪
So I'm gonna have to go to my back pocket
for my Trump card, so to speak.
Gilbert Gottfried...
you are my new lawyer.
Donald, I told you, I'm not really a lawyer.
(whispers): That's okay.
I'm not really a president.
(audience applause, whooping)

Lawyering Up - The President Show - Comedy Central

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