Lawyers Are Avoiding Trump At All Costs

OF COURSE, THE BIG STORY TODAY
IS STILL JAMES COMEY'S SENATE
TESTIMONY YESTERDAY.
IT WAS ON ALL THE NETWORKS,
COMMERCIAL-FREE.
I MEAN, NOT ENTIRELY.
WE ALL SAW WHAT COMEY WAS
WIRING AT THE HEARING.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, COMEY WAS PRETTY ROUGH ON
THE PRESIDENT, BUT RIGHT AFTER
HIS TESTIMONY, TRUMP SENT HIS
LONG-TIME PERSONAL LAWYER AND
DEVIL WHO HAS A THING HE WANTS
YOU TO SIGN, MARC KASOWITZ.
TO RESPOND.
AND KASOWITZ STARTED WITH A
SIMPLE INTRODUCTION.
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M
MARC KASOWITZ, PRESIDENT TRUMP'S
PERSONAL LAWYER.
>> Stephen: "AND I AM THE
BUSIEST MAN IN THE WORLD.
( LAUGHTER )
I HAVEN'T TAKEN A BATHROOM BREAK
IN 27 YEARS.
I WILL NOW BLINK OUT MY REAL
MESSAGE: RESCUE ME."
KASOWITZ EXPLAINED WHY
EVERYTHING COMEY SAID PROVES THE
THE PRESIDENT IS RIGHT.
>> CONTRARY TO NUMEROUS, FALSE
PRESS ACCOUNTS LEADING UP TO
TODAY'S HEARING, MR. COMEY HAS
NOW FINALLY CONFIRMED PUBLICLY
WHAT HE REPEATEDLY TOLD
PRESIDENT TRUMP PRIVATELY.
>> Stephen: "PLEASE SIR, I'D
LIKE TO LEAVE THE ROOM NOW."
( LAUGHTER )
BUT EVEN THOUGH EVERYTHING COMEY
SAID PROVED TRUMP WASN'T GUILTY,
HE WAS ALSO A LIAR.
>> THE PRESIDENT LIKEWISE NEVER
PRESSURED MR. COMEY.
THE PRESIDENT ALSO NEVER TOLD
MR. COMEY, "I NEED LOYALTY.
I EXPECT LOYALTY."
HE NEVER SAID IT IN FORM, AND HE
NEVER SAID IT IN SUBSTANCE.
>> Stephen: "HE ALSO NEVER
ENTERED THE DRESSING ROOM.
WAIT, WHICH TRUMP LAWSUIT AM I
IN RIGHT NOW?"
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
I'VE SAID TOO MUCH."
KASOWITZ FOCUSED ON SHIFTING THE
BLAME AWAY FROM TRUMP AND ONTO
COMEY.
>> TODAY, MR. COMEY ADMITTED
THAT HE LEAKED TO FRIENDS OF HIS
PURPORTED MEMOS OF THOSE
PRIVILEGED COMMUNICATIONS.
>> Stephen, OF COURSE!
WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN COMEY WAS A
LEAKER.
THE SOURCE OF ALL THIS INFO WAS
A SHADOWY FIGURE IN A D.C.
PARKING GARAGE WHO WENT BY THE
NAME "TALL THROAT."
( LAUGHTER )
THEN, KASOWITZ RAN OFF WITHOUT
TAKING QUESTIONS.
AND ONE REPORTER WITNESSED AN
"AWKWARD SCENE AS KASOWITZ TRIED
TO ESCAPE WITH NO PRESS
QUESTIONS: "HE AND AIDES STOOD
IN THE ELEVATOR STARING AT US.
FORGOT TO PUSH DOWN BUTTON."
SEE YA.
SEE YA, SUCKERS.
WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YOU, BITE
ME!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT KASOWITZ MADE UP FOR THAT
LITTLE GOOF WITH A BIGGER ONE,
BECAUSE WHEN HE EMAILED HIS
STATEMENT OUT TO REPORTERS, IT
READ, "I AM MARC KASOWITZ,
'PREDISENT' TRUMP'S PERSONAL
LAWYER."
THE ULTIMATE LEGAL LOOPHOLE:
TRUMP WAS NEVER PRESIDENT!
HE WAS "PREDISENT" THE
ENTIRE TIME!
THAT WAY, HE CAN NEVER BE
"IMPOOCHED."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
YEAH, UH-HUH, YEAH.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YEAH.
HERE'S THE DEAL.
HERE'S THE DEAL-- EVEN THOUGH
HE'S LEADING TRUMP'S DEFENSE,
KASOWITZ DOESN'T HAVE A LOT OF
EXPERIENCE WITH CONGRESSIONAL
TESTIMONY OR THE JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT.
OR THE GOVERNMENT, REALLY.
AND, APPARENTLY, TRUMP CAN'T
FIND OTHER LAWYERS TO JOIN THE
TEAM, BECAUSE SOME OF AMERICA'S
TOP LAW FIRMS DON'T WANT DONALD
TRUMP AS A CLIENT.
THAT'S CRAZY.
LAW FIRMS ARE NOT KNOWN FOR
BOTH PARTICULARLY PICKY ABOUT
THEIR CLIENTS.
IN FACT, HERE'S A PARTIAL LIST
OF PEOPLE WHO HAD NO TROUBLE.
FINDING A LAWYER:
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NO PROBLEM!
SO, WHY WON'T THESE LAWYERS TAKE
TRUMP'S CASE?
WELL, ONE SOURCE SAID THEY'RE
AFRAID, "THE GUY WON'T PAY, AND
HE WON'T LISTEN."
( LAUGHTER )
THAT IS-- THAT'S PRETTY
COMPELLING.
I DON'T BLAME THESE LAWYERS.
I WOULDN'T WANT TO REPRESENT A
GUY WHO YOU KNOW IS GOING TO
TWEET: "THE FAKE LAWYERS ARE
WORKING SO HARD TO GET ME FREE,
BUT I AM GUILTY.
#NEVERPAYING."
I DID IT.
TOTALLY DID IT.
BUT IF TRUMP EVER HAS DIFFICULTY
FINDING LEGAL REPRESENTATION IN
THE FUTURE, OF COURSE, THERE'S
ALWAYS ONE FIRM YOU CAN FIND ON
YOUR TV THAT HE CAN TURN TO.
>> HERE AT GALINO & FARNES, WE I
HAVE A REPUTATION FOR
REPRESENTING ANY CLIENT.
>UP TO
NOW, ANYONE.
>> WE HAD TO DRAWT LINE
SOMEWHERE.
SO IF YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT OF A
COUNTRY AND SUSPECTED OF
COLLUSION AND/OR OBSTRUCTION,
DON'T CALL US.
WE ARE TOO BIZ TOW TAKE YOUR
CASE.
HERE ARE THE THINGS WE WILL AND
POSSIBLY BE TOO BUSY DOING:
>> SO AS YOU CAN SEE, WE ARE ALL
BOOKED UP.
>> SORRY!
THE.
>> NO.
>> TAKE OUT THE NUMBER!
>> TAKE IT DOWN!

Lawyers Are Avoiding Trump At All Costs

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