Louie Anderson Performs Stand-up

FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT WON AN EMMA FOR PLAYING ZACH
GALIFIANKIS' MOTHER ON "BASKETS," BUT HE IS BEST KNOWN
FOR THE STAND-UP HE'S BEEN DOING ON LATE-NIGHT TV SHOWS LIKE THIS
FOR OVER 30 YEARS.
PLEASE WELCOME LOUIE ANDERSON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HI, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
OH!
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY, HUH?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I ALMOST WENT FOR A WALK!
( LAUGHTER ) I CAME THIS CLOSE... I WANT TO
BE MORE HEALTHY.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T-- PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE ME, WE DON'T LAY IN
BED ALL DAY AND EAT.
YOU KNOW, IT JUST HAPPENS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IF YOU EAT HEALTHY YOU NEED
A HEALTHY FRIEND.
I HAVE A HEALTHY FRIEND, AND SHE SAYS TO ME, "LOUIE, I'M GOING TO
TURN YOU AROUND!" "WELL, YOU BETTER BRING ANOTHER
PERSON."
AND WHEN YOU GO TO EAT WITH SOMEONE HEALTHY, WELL, IT'S NOT
EASY.
BECAUSE SOMEBODY AT THE TABLE NEXT TO YOU HAS SOMETHING, AND
YOU SMELL IT.
( SNIFFS ) WHAT IS THAT?
THAT'S BANG, BANG SHRIMP?
OH, MY GOD!
CAN I GET A BANG, BANG SALAD?
AND, YOU KNOW, I AM-- I AM.
I'VE EATEN EVERY BAD THING, EVERY BAD THING I'VE EATEN.
SO NOW I LOOK AT THE HEALTHY SIDE OF THE MENU.
WHAT'S ON HERE.
SALMON.
( LAUGHTER ) SORRY.
I ALWAYS WANT TO SAY TO THE SERVER, "YOU GOT ANYTHING LESS
FISHY?
YOU GOT ANY PORK THAT SWIMS?
YOU GOT ANY SPAMON?
THE ONLY TIME I WANT TO EAT SALMON IS WHEN I'M WATCHING THE
ANIMAL PLANET AND A GRISLY PLUGS ONE FROM A STREAM.
I THINK TO MYSELF, "I SHOULD GIVE SALMON ANOTHER TRY."
( LAUGHTER ) "HE MAKES IT LOOK SO DELICIOUS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YES.
IT DOES.
THANK YOU.
YEAH.
AND THEN, YOU KNOW, THE SERVER, POOR SERVER WHEN YOU'RE WITH A
HEALTHY PERSON.
THEY JUST CROSS-EXAMINE THEM.
"IS IT FREE RANGE CHICKEN?" WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
"IT MEANS THEY GET TO RUN FREE, LOUIE!"
"BEFORE THEY KILL THEM?" ( LAUGHTER )
THAT SEEMS CRUELER TO ME!
THE CHICKENS IN THE COOP ARE TRYING TO WARN HER, "YOU'RE
LIVING A LIE, BETTY!" ( LAUGHTER )
"YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I'M FREE RANGE!"
( LAUGHTER ) "THEY'RE GOING TO KILL YOU,
BETTY!" "YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF
ME.
I'M FREE RANGE!" ( LAUGHTER )
BANG-BANG!
"OH, I TRIED TO WARN HER!
BETTY!" ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) >> Stephen: LOUIE ANDERSON,
EVERYBODY!
COME ON OVER.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THERE YOU GO.
>> THANK YOU.
HI, EVERYBODY!
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> WHAT A GREAT SHOW.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> THANK YOU.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: LISTEN, AS I SAID, YOU'VE BEEN DOING STAND-UP
ON SHOWS LIKE THIS FOR 30 YEARS.
YOU'VE BEEN A STAND-UP COMEC TRAVELING AROUND FOR 40 YEARS
NOW.
DO YOU THINK STAND-UPS-- BECAUSE YOU PLAY IN SO MANY DIFFERENT
TOWNS ACROSS THE UNITED STATES-- DO YOU THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE
COUNTRY BETTER THAN OTHER PEOPLE?
>> I THINK SO, A LITTLE BIT.
OR AT LEAST YOU SEE IT ALL.
LIKE, YOU KNOW, I WENT TO OREGON, OR OR-GONE-- I'M NOT
SURE HOW YOU SAY IT.
YOU GET CORRECTED UP THERE.
OR-GONE, OREGON.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID!
IT'S NICE TO STAY UP THERE BECAUSE YOU STAY IN A HOTEL
WHERE YOU CAN HUNT FROM THE WINDOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I GOT-- I GOT MY LIMIT, "TWO
TOURISTS, SO...
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: DO YOU SEE ANY IMPRESSIVE THINGS?
WHEN I WAS A YOUNGER CAT, WE WOULD TOUR AROUND THE UNITED
STATES.
>> AND LOVED-- "OH, THERE'S THE WORLD'S LARGEST LIGHTHOUSE BY A
TOWER."
>> IT'S TRUE.
Y WENT TO SAN ANTONIO.
I SAW THE ALAMO.
>> Stephen: THAT'S COOL.
>> YEAH ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S COOL.
>> AND, YOU KNOW, MRS. SERKS RZIK IN THIRD GRADE MADE THAT
THING SEEM HUGE.
BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT WHEN YOU GET THERE YOU GO, "OH!
IS THAT IT?
I'M PRETTY SURE I COULD HAVE HELD THIS FAIR COUPLE OF DAYS."
I ALWAYS CARRY A STEAK KNIFE WITH ME.
BUT IT'S TRUE.
AND, OF COURSE, I WENT TO BOSTON, AND, YOU KNOW, THE GUY
DRIVING ME SAID WE'RE ON THE ROAD WHERE PAUL REVERE RODE.
"THAT'S GOOD."
"THAT'S GOOD.
I BETTER HE WAS GOING FASTER THAN WE ARE IN THIS TRAFFIC.
OF."
"DO YOU SEE A LANTERN UP AHEAD?" >> Stephen: WE'RE ON
"BASKETS."
YOU PLAY ZACH GALIFIANKIS' MOM.
YOU WON AN EMMY FOR IT THIS PAST YEAR.
YEAR.
( APPLAUSE ) AND YOU HAVE A LOVELY-- VERY
BELIEVABLE, YOU KNOW, MOTHERLY QUALITY WITH HIM ON THE SHOW.
DO YOU-- DO YOU EXHIBIT THAT SAME RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM OFF
CAMERA, TOO?
>> WELL, I'M A MATERNAL PERSON ANYWAYS.
THAT'S A LITTLE OFF RIGHT THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I-- SO--
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S' GOOD AUDIENCE.
GOOD AUDIENCE.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE GOOD.
PAYING ATTENTION >> I WAS GOING TO DO THIS, BUT
IT'S 2017.
NO ONE WANTS THEIR-- YOUR SPIT ON THEM.
NOBODY.
EVEN YOUR MOM.
"MOM!" BUT, YES, I AM.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I'LL WAKE UP BEHIND HIM AND PUSH HIS HAIR
BACK AND STUFF.
HE'S HEEL GO, "WHAT THE...?" "I'M YOUR MOTHER!"
I SAY, "DID YOU EAT ENOUGH TODAY?
DO YOU FEEL GOOD?
DID YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM?" ( LAUGHTER )
BUT HE'S A LOVELY PERSON POWORK WITH.
AND I REALLY DO, I FEEL-- I DON'T LET ANYONE CALL ME LOUIE
ON THE SET.
I MAKE THEM CALL ME CHRISTINE.
>> Stephen: WELL, YOU HAVE A LOVELY MATERNAL RELATIONSHIP
WITH HIM ON THE SHOW.
WE HAVE A CLIP HERE OF I THINK-- I THINK ZACH HAS BEEN ARRESTED
FOR SOME REASON.
>> YEAH, I'M THERE TO BAIL HIM OUT.
>> Stephen: JIM.
>> WHAT DID YOU DO TO GET IN HERE?
>> MOM, IT WAS JUST-- IT WAS TRESPASSING AND MISCHIEF, I
THINK.
>> MISCHIEF?
>> MISCHIEF, YEAH, GENERAL MISCHIEF.
>> MISCHIEF!
>> MISCHIEF.
>> WERE YOU CHASING A MOUSE AROUND?
JIM, IS IT BECAUSE I SENT YOUR FRENCH WIFE AWAY?
>> NO, THAT'S NOT IT.
>> YOU KNOW, CHIP, I PROVIDE A HOUSE FOR YOU.
I GIVE YOU FOOD.
I GIVE YOU MONEY.
I BOUGHT-- I BOUGHT-- I BOUGHT YOU TENNIS SHOES.
I PAID FOR YOUR CLOWN COLLEGE.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU, MOM.
I'M A MILLENNIAL.
>> WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!
>> I ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) >> IT'S A FUN SHOW.
>> Stephen: LOUIE, GREAT TO HAVE YOU ON AGAIN.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: SEASON TWO OF "BASKETS" IS AVAILABLE NOW ON
FX.
LOUIE ANDERSON, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Louie Anderson Performs Stand-up

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