Stephen Won't Be Outdone By Gwyneth Paltrow's Magic Healing Stickers

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, WITH OVER 20 MILLION PEOPLE POSSIBLY
LOSING HEALTH COVERAGE, FOLKS ARE GOING HAVE TO LOOK FOR
ALTERNATIVE MEDICAL TREATMENT, LIKE PRAYER, OR BEING RICH, OR
( LAUGHTER ) PRAYING TO BECOME RICH.
WELL, IN THESE DARK DAYS OF DOUBT, THANK GOODNESS FOR
GWYNETH PALTROW AND HER LIFESTYLE BRAND GOOP.
LAST WEEK, I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOOP'S WELLNESS SUMMIT AND SOME
OF THEIR GREAT HEALTH PRODUCTS LIKE THEIR JADE EGG TO INCREASE
VAGINAL MUSCLE TONE, LEADING TO THE COMMON QUESTION AT GOOP
PARTIES, "HOW MUCH CAN YOU VAGINA BENCH?"
( LAUGHTER ) "DO YOU NEED A LIFT?"
NOW GOOP HAS OUTDONE THEMSELVES WITH "BODY VIBES," WHICH THEY
DESCRIBE AS WEARABLE STICKERS THAT PROMOTE HEALING.
PREVIOUSLY, IF YOU WANTED WEARABLE STICKERS THAT PROMOTE
HEALING, YOU HAD TO BUY A BOX OF BANDAIDS.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
BUT THESE STICKERS-- THESE STICKERS, JON, THEY'RE
DIFFERENT.
BECAUSE THEY'RE SPECIALLY DESIGNED TO TREAT CONDITIONS
LIKE HANGOVERS, HELP YOU WITH "MENTAL FOCUS" AND EVEN
MAN I AM SO THIRSTY, I NEED A BIG, TALL BOX OF STICKERS.
AND A TEN-PACK OF BODY VIBE STICKERS COSTS JUST 60 BUCKS.
YE, YEAH.
FOR THAT PRICE, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO PICK UP THEIR
ANTI-ANXIETY STICKER FOR THE PANIC ATTACK YOU'LL GET WHEN YOU
REALIZE YOU SPENT YOUR RENT MONEY ON STUFF THEY GIVE
CHILDREN FREE AT THE DENTIST.
THE BODY VIBE WEBSITE GOOP-SPLAINS EXACTLY HOW THESE
STICKERS WORK, SAYING, "HUMAN BODIES OPERATE AT AN IDEAL
ENERGETIC FREQUENCY.
IF YOU TAP A FORK AND THEN HOLD THIS NEAR ANOTHER FORK, IT WILL
ALSO OSCILLATE AT THE SAME FREQUENCY.
THE THEORY IS THAT YOUR CELLS CAN DO THE SAME THING WHEN USING
OUR SMART STICKERS."
YES, GOOP HAS APPARENTLY CONSULTED WITH TOP FORK
SCIENTISTS TO CREATE THESE STICKERS.
SO WHAT GOOP IS SAYING IS BUY THESE STICKERS, AND YOU CAN FORK
YOURSELF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, GOOP EXPLAINS-- BIG FANS.
THEY'RE LOVING IT.
GIVES HOPE.
GOOP EXPLAINS WHY YOU CAN TRUST THESE MIRACLE STICKERS.
THEY ARE "MADE WITH THE SAME CONDUCTIVE CARBON MATERIAL NASA
USES TO LINE SPACESUITS SO THEY CAN MONITOR AN ASTRONAUT'S
VITALS DURING WEAR" IN OTHER WORDS, YOU KNOW IT'S
SCIENTIFICALLY VALID, BECAUSE...
ASTRONAUT.
( LAUGHTER ) , OF COURSE, THIS RAISES THE
QUESTION, WHAT DOES NASA HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THE SPACE-AGE SMART
STICKERS?
WHEN REACHED FOR COMMENT, ONE FORMER NASA SCIENTIST SAID,
"WOW.
WHAT A LOAD OF B.S. THIS IS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES, B.S., WHICH, OF COURSE, IS
NASA JARGON FOR "BENEFICIAL STICKERS."
AND ANOTHER NASA EXPERT EXPLAINED THAT ASTRONAUTS
"DO NOT HAVE ANY CONDUCTIVE CARBON MATERIAL LINING THE
SPACESUITS."
WELL, I'M GLAD WE CAUGHT THIS NOW.
NASA NEEDS TO BUY A BUNCH OF THESE STICKERS BEFORE THEY SEND
ANYBODY ELSE INTO SPACE.
NOW, IF YOU'RE STILL SKEPTICAL, THEN REST ASSURED, BECAUSE THE
FOUNDERS OF THE COMPANY ARE BOTH ESTHETICIANS.
YES, THE LIFE-SAVING SCIENCE OF BODY BRONZING AND BRAZILIAN
WAXING, ALWAYS AN INTEGRAL PART OF OUR SPACE PROGRAM.
NEIL ARMSTRONG AND BUZZ ALDRIN WERE SMOOTH AS AN EEL DOWN
THERE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT STUFF BURNING OFF ON REENTRY.
WELL, AS YOU KNOW, I, TOO, HAVE A CELEBRITY LIFESTYLE BRAND:
COVETTON HOUSE.
COVETTON FANS, GOOD TO KNOW.
AND GOOP HAS INSPIRED US TO EXPAND OUR OWN PRODUCT LINE.
TAKE A LOOK.
♪ ♪ ♪ BAROQUE SIMPLICITY.
SHABBY ELEGANCE.
GIVE ME MONEY.
( LAUGHTER ) COVETTON HOUSE.
>> Stephen: OH, HI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ON.
>> HI.
I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT ME.
HERE AT COVETTON HOUSE, WE KNOW HOW HARD IT CAN BE TO BALANCE
WORK, FAMILY, AND SKELETAL VIBRATIONS.
SO WE ARE PROUD TO OFFER A NEW LINE OF WELLNESS SELF-ADHESIVES.
INTRODUCING GLU-U.
FIRST, MAKE SURE YOUR CHAKRAS ARE ALL FULLY LEAKPROOF WITH A
ROLL OF BODY-CONDUCTIVE CARBON HEALTH STRIPS.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS HEALTH TAPE IS IMPORTED
FROM THE BAVARIAN VILLAGE OF "DUCT," AND IS PAIRED WITH
THESE TWO ENERGY PODS.
NOW, THEIR MEDITATIVE PROPERTIES ARE LISTED RIGHT ON THE BACK:
AAAH.
OKAY, NOW, WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO DO IS JUST TEAR A LENGTH
ONE-THIRD THE SIZE OF YOUR AURA AND AFFIX THE ENERGY PODS
WHEREVER YOUR BODY NEEDS MAXIMUM WELLNESS.
OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.
THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MMMM.
THAT'S WORKING ME ALREADY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S COMPLETELY PAIN-FREE,
UNTIL YOU REMOVE IT.
AND IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO TARGET A SPECIFIC AILMENT, GET YOUR
HANDS ON OUR REVOLUTIONARY HEAL-IT NOTES.
THIS IS THE SAME TECHNOLOGY USED BY THE SCIENTISTS OVER AT 3M.
JUST SPECIFY YOUR WELLNESS GOAL WITH THE SHAMAN-APPROVED
NUTRI-STYLUS.
OH!
MY SHACK RAS ARE GETTING DIZZY-- AND APPLY WHAT YOU WANT.
FOR INSTANCE: HAPPINESS.
CALM.
OR PICK UP MILK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND IF WEIGHT LOSS IS YOUR GOAL, REMEMBER: COVETTON HOUSE IS
ALWAYS HERE TO LIGHTEN YOUR WALLET.

Stephen Won't Be Outdone By Gwyneth Paltrow's Magic Healing Stickers

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