Taylor Schilling's Adulting Is Not Going Well

Because I like to check in with you.
'Cause it's been about a year. -Yeah.
-And this is the only time we see each other.
-It really is. We're like party friends
except it's not even a party friend.
It's like a -- It's weirder. -Yeah, we are.
It's weirder than even party friends.
-It's weirder than a party friend.
-But I do want to check in, 'cause you were here
about a year ago, and you were very happy.
You were, like, proud, and I felt like you thought
you were becoming an adult.
-I've heard whisperings of what you're talking about earlier.
-Well, you were talking about
you had moved in to a new apartment,
and then you said you were thinking
about getting a dog and a car.
So I'd like an update. -[ Laughs ] Yeah.
Well, I don't have a car. -Okay.
-I actually don't have a license right now.
-Oh, no. Why don't you have a license?
-'Cause I lost it.
-Okay. -That's true.
-Okay, but you can just get a new one.
-Yes, I can. I have an appointment.
[ Laughs ] This is all real.
I have an appointment next Monday in Santa Monica.
-Oh, so you have to go to a DMV.
-Yeah. And just have a face-to-face.
I got an e-mail that I can take, like, another photo if I want,
which I'd like to 'cause my license photo isn't --
It's not cute.
-What do you think went wrong the last time
when you took the photo? -I think I was too excited.
-Okay.
-I was, like, really -- I was, like, too --
-It is such a bummer when you get too excited
for a license, especially when
you get pulled over for speeding.
-Ugh! -Because when you give that,
it looks like you were definitely speeding.
Like, if you're a guy who...
couldn't wait to be a legal driver.
So you don't have a license or a car.
So that one seems like that's a step backwards from a year ago.
-Yeah. So hopefully a year from now
I'll at least have a license.
-A new license. Okay. -So I don't have a car.
I am going to get a dog. -Okay. So you have not --
In a full year, you haven't gotten one yet.
-Haven't gotten a dog. Haven't gotten the car.
-Lost a license. -Right. Yes. Lost a license.
-And do you know what kind of dog you're getting?
-So maybe we've moved backwards. Yeah, I do.
I'm getting a French bulldog.
-Okay, great. That's very exciting.
-I know. They make me feel that way, too.
-Have you ever had a French bulldog in your life before?
-No. -Okay. Do you know --
Like, do you have any sense of the timeline
of when you're going to get one?
-Well, uh... [ Laughter ]
Yeah, like the middle of August.
-"Well, the problem is I got to drive there,
and that's a whole thing because of my license."
[ Laughter ]
Maybe they could just -- They're gonna give this dog your address
and say, "It might be faster if you just find your way there."
-"Go find her." Lassie, come home.
-Do you have -- Do you want a boy dog, a girl dog?
-A girl dog. -Do you have a name picked out?
Or are you gonna wait until you actually lay eyes on it?
-No, I'm thinking about it. -Okay, gotcha.
-I like -- I think, uh, like Tank.
-Okay, for... -[ Laughs ]
-That seems like --
I mean, again, you know, look, who am I to say?
That seems like a boy's name.
But I guess -- I don't know. -I know.
-But, again, maybe a girl bulldog doesn't --
-But I like it. -Yeah. What does she care?
-She doesn't care. -Yeah, it's just a noise.
-And where -- It's gender-normative.
Like, it's passé. Lame. -Exactly.
Also, she's French. Yeah. -Yeah.
What does that even mean?
-[ French accent ] It's so American to say
Tank is a boy's name.
Tank is a name that can be anyone's name!
-She just doesn't play those games.
-One of my favorite things we've ever talked about
is your first New York City apartment sounded like
the worst apartment, or the smallest apartment.
-Well, it was. -What was the --
There was something. The bed was something?
The bed was in the kitchen? -Yes, the bed is in the --
Well, it went -- I mean, it was one room.
-Oh, right. Now I remember the word.
-It was one room. -Yeah.
-So it was a bitchen. -A bitchen.
-The kitchen and the bedroom were the same room.
So we had -- We just were like, "Come over to our bitchen."
-I will say... -It's the bedroom.
-...that if you got asked to come over
to a bitchen apartment, you'd be like, "Awesome!"
I think it's gonna be like a wraparound penthouse.
And meanwhile it's like -- -It's like a...
couch that you're sleeping on, with, like, a pull-out --
with one of the things, a door over the stove.
-Yeah. Right. "I went back to this girl's bitchen apartment."
"How'd it go?" "I knocked my head out on a sink."
-Yeah. No, it's not. It wasn't safe.
The truth of the apartment is that it wasn't safe.
-But you recently got in --
Your roommate got in touch with you?
-Oh, my roommate from that time is one of my best friends.
-Okay. Still? -Yeah. Hey, Tommy.
-Okay. -I've never done that before.
-And he found something from back in the day?
-Yeah, he recently found this three days ago.
And I was so excited I was going to come and see you.
I -- Seriously. I got this --
And also the subject heading was "Dark Days."
-Dark days. So this was --
Now, this is somebody that you've managed to stay friends with.
-Oh, for like -- -You guys got through this.
-I mean, by the skin of our teeth.
-This is a legal document that he wrote up.
This is a roommate agreement. -Yes.
-Was he a lawyer? -No.
He's an -- he was an -- He was an actor.
-Okay. -[ Laughs ]
-There is so much legalese to this.
I can not stress how crazy this is.
-Wait. And you didn't even see there is room
for both of us to sign at the bottom.
And he wasn't gonna -- I don't know what he was going to do.
-This is my favorite one. Hold on.
"Both parties must treat the other
with courtesy and respect, regardless of their state
of inebriation, exhaustion,
or general non-collaborative mood."
[ Laughter and applause ]
That is -- That's -- -Isn't that amazing?
-It's amazing that you had -- like, basically signing
a legal document saying you're gonna --
No matter how drunk you are, you have to treat somebody
with courtesy and respect.
-Respect. Yeah. Dignity. We're all humans.
-The amount that he says "both parties" is fantastic.
I'm so happy to hear he was also an actor.
This is written like somebody
who watched a lot of "Law & Order."
-His dad's a lawyer. -Oh, his dad's a lawyer.
-So I feel like he might have had his dad
proofread it or something.
-This is -- I mean, this is the best.
-He had bullet points. -"Hitherto."
-Oh, my God! I didn't even see that!
-"This hitherto serves as a binding roommate agreement."
-"Not to be made null or void
unless agreed upon by both parties."
I mean, what is that? He was, like, a 22-year-old actor.
Let me see that. -It's so great.
Like, what I like to picture is
you coming home super-wasted, being an asshole,
and him saying, like, "Hey! Our agreement!"
You're like, "[Bleep] you! My kitchen's a bedroom!
I don't care!
You signed an agreement!
-"[Bleep] you! My kitchen's a bedroom!"
-You signed an agreement! -Yeah, yeah.
-You're in a non-collaborative mood!"
-No, that was -- I read that, and I died.
That's my favorite. That's my favorite thing ever.
-That is the nicest way to say somebody's being a jerk.
Yeah, it's a really nice way to put some of my --
I guess what it's like to live with me sometimes.
-Yeah. Non-collaborative.
-A generally non-collaborative partner.

Taylor Schilling's Adulting Is Not Going Well

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