Trump's 71st Birthday Cards, Man Robs Bank to Ditch Wife

I saw that today is President Trump's 71st birthday.
That's right. When his staff saw him coming,
they turned out the lights and hid until he went away.
And they go, "Whew, that was close.
We almost had to --
we almost had to say 'happy birthday.'"
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's right. Trump turned 71 today.
He got a lot of birthday cards from different people.
And we actually got our hands on a few of them.
Let's take a look at these.
For example, here's one from Vladimir Putin.
His card says, "It sounds like you had a great party!"
Inside it says,
"Based on our recordings from the Oval Office."
[ Laughter and applause ]
You were listening?
-They have a listening device, apparently.
-This next one is from Sean Spicer.
It says, "Today, I'm toasting to you!"
And inside it says,
"Because you're the reason I drink, every day."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And he goes -- That's nice.
Here's one from Al Gore.
It says, "Warmest wishes!"
Open it up, it says, "Due to climate change!"
And you got to look at the levels of the water.
This next one is from Jeff Sessions.
It says, "Today, I have only one thing to say to you..."
Open up, it says, "I can't recall."
I just -- I just can't recall.
-Jeff Sessions.
-And finally, here's one from George W. Bush.
It says, "Here's to you!"
And inside it says,
"For making me look like President of the century."
[ Cheers and applause ] There you go.
Not bad. Some good cards.
And during his testimony yesterday,
Attorney General Jeff Sessions said that
he hasn't been asked to do anything illegal by Trump
since taking office.
Then he said, "And frankly,
I'm starting to feel a little left out.
I mean, listen, what did I do wrong?"
[ Applause ]
Hey, some news for parents,
Sesame Workshop is teaming up with IBM
to create a vocabulary learning app.
Yeah, it says it's for kids ages 5 to president.
-Oh, wow.
[ Applause ]
-And this is interesting here,
researchers now believe that
Jupiter is the oldest planet in the solar system.
Yeah.
They learned that when Jupiter e-mailed them
from an AOL account.
[ Laughter and applause ] And that's a dead giveaway.
That's a dead giveaway, if you have an AOL account.
-The mail's online, period.
-Yeah, you got --
[ Laughter ]
Well, get this, I read that defibrillators might soon
be delivered by drones
so that you can get help fast if you're having a heart attack.
So if you're having chest pains,
I'm sure you'll feel way calmer when you see
a giant drone driving towards you.
That should -- that should just totally relax you.
[ Applause ]
This clip right here, I don't know if you saw this, Higgins,
it's going viral where an older gentleman
was spotted driving around with the windows down.
He's got some pretty surprising taste in music.
Take a listen to this.
[ Heavy metal music playing ]
[ Laughter ]
-That guy's Uber passenger was like,
"Yeah, I'll just get out here.
I'll just pay for it. No, I'm good, I'm good.
You can charge it to my phone? I'm good, okay, okay, cool."
I saw that firefighters in Connecticut
gave a bride and groom a ride to their wedding reception
after their bus' engine caught on fire.
The groom said he hasn't felt that scared
since he had to tell his fiancée
they were taking a bus to their wedding.
And he goes -- what? [ Laughter and applause ]
"Got a better deal than the limousine --
We got the bus for the whole month."
[ Laughter ]
Now listen to this, a new study finds that
people who play video games last longer in the bedroom.
-Ooh.
-Of course they do because all they're thinking about
the entire time is video games. -Really?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-They say gamers are better in the bedroom,
which sounds good until you get busted
reading some cheat codes --
up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right --
[ Laughter ]
-Grab my Wii!
Joystick. -And finally -- thanks.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, this really made me laugh,
a guy in Kansas who robbed a bank
so that he can go to jail and can get away from his wife,
who was just sentenced to six months of house arrest.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Marking the first guy under house arrest
who is about to be someone's bitch.
There you go, everybody. We have a great show tonight.
Give it up for the Roots!

Trump's 71st Birthday Cards, Man Robs Bank to Ditch Wife - Monologue

Latest Posts