America Celebrates July 4th, This Week in Words

-Guys, it is 4th of July weekend.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It is.
This is when Americans celebrate their freedom from the British,
or as the Queen put it,
"How's that working out for you these days?"
[ Laughter ] -Oh!
-Actually, I saw that airlines are expecting
3.4 million travelers for the 4th of July.
[ Audience oohs ]
Yeah, and to get into the spirit,
United's gonna throw some firecrackers
at the people in coach.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Hisses, imitates explosion ]
Get in the spirit! Stop screaming!
[ Laughter ] Be patriotic.
I read that Dulles Airport in Washington D.C.
is expected to have its most flight delays
over 4th of July weekend.
The good news is, passengers flying out of D.C.
get a few extra hours with their mistresses.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-Of course, 4th of July is also
the Nathan's Famous hot dog eating contest.
[ Cheers ]
Nobody is quite sure what's in a hot dog,
and it's the same as the Republican health care bill.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Here's some good news.
Trader Joe's just got its canned wine back in stock,
in time... [ Cheers ]
...for 4th of July weekend, yeah.
I don't want to sound like a snob,
but I prefer the canned wine from Whole Foods.
[ Laughter ]
But a town in Connecticut is telling people
not to set off fireworks on July 4th,
because it might scare bald eagles
that are nesting in the area.
Which will backfire when people realize
fireworks and a bunch of eagles flying around
is the most patriotic thing ever.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I'm crying! I've never cried.
I've never cried during fireworks.
But this week though, the White House said
Trump will travel to France to celebrate Bastille Day.
Trump is excited to go.
One of the reasons is because he really loves the food there.
He actually released a video about it.
Take a look at this.
-[ As Trump ] This is Donald J. Trump,
and I know so much about France.
I mean, more than anyone.
And I've eatin' all of their foods.
For instance, I've had es-car-got...
[ Laughter ] ...creeps...
creamy Blu-Ray...
...turtle fart... [ Laughter ]
...rat in a tutu.
And of course, fondle you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-What is he talking about?
-Those aren't right. -I don't know, man.
-That's not how you say those words.
-He was close on a couple of 'em, but -- I feel bad for him.
I saw that White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer
will headline a fundraiser in Rhode Island this weekend.
If you pay $200, you get a picture with Spicer.
If you pay $500, you don't.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some news from overseas,
I saw that today Germany voted to legalize gay marriage.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Everyone in Germany was so thrilled
they came this close to smiling. [ Laughter ]
It was really -- it was exciting.
It was exciting. Get this story.
I read about a man who wanted to propose to his girlfriend,
so he got a tattoo on his leg that said, "Will you marry me?"
[ Audience ohs ]
Yeah, it got weird when his dog was like, "Yes!
A thousand times yes, yes!" [ Laughter ]
Well, it's the end of another crazy week,
and since there's too much to talk about,
instead of giving you a full week in review,
we decided to put together a little montage.
It just focuses on the key words used this week.
It's something we call "This Week in Words."
Check it out.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪♪
-Summer is here. -School is out.
-But are there still... -...some issues...
-...to talk about. -Like...
-...the travel ban or...
-"The Bachelorette." -And Rachel's...
-...just... -...not feeling it yet.
-Health care bill...
-...still doesn't... -...fly.
-Just dragging out through the month of July.
-That vote delayed... -...by...
-The GOP...
-"Despicable Me 3."
-Hey-O
♪♪♪♪
-The White House briefings... -...could be...
-...nicer. -Now...
-We have to draw... -Sean Spicer.
-Work together. -Feel the love.
-US... -India...
-...friendship... -Bear hug.
-[ Blows raspberry ] -There you go.
We have a great show tonight. Give it up for The Roots.

America Celebrates July 4th, This Week in Words - Monologue

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