Don Jr. Wants Trump's Presidency to End, Donald Trump's Weather Report

-Here's what people are talking about.
I saw a magazine article just came out
that said Donald Trump Jr. Is miserable.
[ Laughter ]
And he wants his dad's presidency to be over.
It was in the section "Stars, They're Just Like Us."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's right.
People magazine did a big feature on Don Jr.,
and it says that he likes to spend his weekends
at a rustic cabin in Upstate New York.
He said the only thing he doesn't like about the cabin
is when Hillary shows up in a hockey mask
and chases him around the lake.
[ Laughter ]
Tss! Ah-ah-ah! Tss!
It turns out, in college, Don Jr.
would reportedly get into drunken fights
where he'd say, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
And then his father would say, "Uh, Eric?"
"No. Don Junior. You named me -- Ah, forget it."
[ Applause ]
Meanwhile, a new book just came out claiming that last summer,
President Trump yelled at former campaign manager Paul Manafort
and said, "You treat me like a baby."
But Trump said it wasn't a complaint. It was an order.
[ As Pres. Trump ] "You, treat me like a baby."
"Just hold -- Just hold me. Cradle me.
Kiss my belly."
What?!
[ Laughter ]
What?!
"Kiss my belly."
-That's weird. -This is pretty big.
It came out that Trump held a second secret meeting
with Vladimir Putin.
[ Audience oohs ]
Trump's former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski
went on "Fox & Friends" this morning to discuss it.
But it seems like all he talked about was Melania.
Just take a look. Watch this.
-Our best representative,
who is stunningly beautiful and incredibly intelligent,
sat next to Vladimir Putin
at the request of the German chancellor.
Our president, he got up and he walked over
and he saw his beautiful wife,
the First Lady of the United States,
who, by the way, speaks five languages,
is incredibly beautiful, and is incredibly intelligent
and is a great representative of our country.
[ Laughter ]
-"And if she's listening right now, I want her to know
that your husband doesn't deserve you,
and I'm very available!
She's very funny. She's charming.
She makes me laugh.
She makes me feel like a kid again!"
All right, man.
Of course, right now, another big story
is the Republican health-care plan.
On Monday, they couldn't get enough votes to pass it.
Then yesterday, their Plan B
to just repeal Obamacare fell apart.
So now they're considering Plan C,
letting Obamacare fail.
And it turns out Republicans
have prepared even more backup plans after that.
For example, Plan D is repeal Obamacare
then mail everyone a packet of Emergen-C.
-Oh. Well, that's good.
-That works. -Yeah.
-Plan E is threaten to tweet out "Game of Thrones" spoilers
if the bill doesn't pass.
I'll do it. I will do it.
And finally, Plan F is eliminate Obamacare
then pray that Oprah just gives everyone health care.
Come on! Come on, Oprah! Come on!
Just do it!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, listen to this.
There's a small tropical storm in the Atlantic
that's officially called Tropical Storm Don...
which is odd because our president
actually just started his own weather channel
to track the storm.
Donald, what is happening in your neck of the woods?
-Thanks, Jimmy.
As usual, the name on everyone's lips is Don, okay?
Everywhere I go, I overhear people talking
about how Don is scary or unpredictable and destructive.
And that was before the storm even got its name.
But that's fine.
Anyway, let's take a look.
Let's take a look at this beautiful storm, okay?
It's been forming over the Atlantic for about 72 hours,
which basically is how long I like to shake hands.
Okay? Look. I know --
I know this thing seems bad,
but it's probably going to break apart and disappear
just like the Republican health-care bill, okay?
But just to be safe
and make sure Don doesn't get anywhere near Florida,
officials are renaming the entire state Melania.
Oh, well. Back to you, Jimmy.
-Thank you very much. Thank you, Mr. President.
[ Laughs ]
That's fantastic. Isn't that great?
Mike O'Gorman right there.
The great impression. That was unbelievable.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Meanwhile, I saw that tomorrow
is supposed to feel like the mid 90s...
you know, when everyone's huddled around the TV
waiting for an O.J. verdict.
Yeah. We're doing this again?
That's right.
Tomorrow, O.J. Simpson will have his big parole hearing.
And a former correctional officer
at O.J.'s prison called it,
"a cruise ship with barbed wire."
When they heard that, Carnival was like,
"Great. Now we need a new slogan.
I mean, that's -- that's our thing.
Cruise ship Barbed Wire."
[ Applause ]
Check this out. Crystal Pepsi
is coming back to stores this August.
That's right.
We have an O.J. hearing and Crystal Pepsi.
At this point, I'm expecting
to see a Furby doing The Macarena.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Did you see this last night?
I saw Chris Christie caught a foul ball at the Mets game.
I guess he did it by sitting all by himself in a section
that he closed off to everyone but him.
He's like...
[ Cheers and applause ]
..."I got it! I got it!"
Oh, this made me laugh.
In the U.K., a man on a scooter
tried to scam some insurance money by getting hit by a car.
And I think his acting could use a little work.
Check this out.
Here he is. Watch him.
-What the --
-What? Hey-oh!
[ Laughter ]
Ungh!
[ Laughs ]
And the Academy Award doesn't go to...
Get this, you guys.
An 86-year-old woman was arrested this week
for shoplifting at a Walmart
while still wearing an ankle monitor from a prior arrest.
Instead of taking her to jail,
police crowned her Queen of Walmart.
[ Applause ]
When asked how she got into begin with, the store said,
"If we had to kick out every Walmart shopper
with an ankle monitor, it'd never end."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, I saw that "Despacito" just hit the record
for the most-streamed song ever.
It also set the record for the most popular song
that people sing one word to and mumble the rest.
[ Cheers and applause ]
This is crazy. You see this?
A guy was driving in Russia, and he comes across a motorcycle
with a very interesting passenger in the sidecar.
Did you see this? -Yeah.
-Take a look at this.
-[ Speaking Russian ]
-That's real. Look at that.
-[ Speaking Russian ]
-The crazy thing is that video
was actually taken by another bear.
-Really? -They're trained...
[ Applause ]
And finally, I saw that two new "Harry Potter" books
are coming out to mark
the 20th anniversary of the first book.
Two new ones.
The two new books are a two-part series called
"You'll Buy Anything That Says 'Harry Potter.'"
We have a great show tonight.
Give it up for The Roots right there!

Don Jr. Wants Trump's Presidency to End, Donald Trump's Weather Report - Monologue

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