Jokes Seth Can't Tell: First Black Valedictorian, Gay Icon Babadook

♪♪♪♪
-These are two of our writers -- Amber and Jenny.
-I'm black! -And I'm gay!
-And we're both women. -And I'm not!
So here's how this works.
I'll read the setups for these jokes,
and Amber and Jenny will read the punch lines.
Here we go.
A Catholic man recently wrote a book called
"Why I Don't Call Myself Gay."
-Look for it in the closet of your local bookstore.
[ Laughter ]
-A black tourist in Amsterdam
was recently pushed down the stairs by her Airbnb host.
-It was the best experience
a black person has had with Airbnb.
-Have you had bad experiences on Airbnb?
-As soon as someone lets me stay with them, I'll let you know.
-Okay.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm fine. I have a house.
[ Laughter ]
-According to a recent study,
the average number of guests at a lesbian wedding is 87.
-It's 2 brides and 85 ex-girlfriends.
-Jenny, what's a lesbian wedding like?
-Well, it's just like a straight wedding,
except instead of rice you throw power tools.
-Oh, cool.
A Virginia teenager recently became
the first African-American boy
to be named valedictorian of his high school.
-But he'll still be tried as an adult.
[ Audience groans ]
-[ Laughs ]
[ Applause ]
-If it was up to them, you'd lose that house.
-[ Laughs ] I meant apartment.
[ Laughter ]
-I was gonna say...
I know what I pay you.
[ Laughter ]
A new study claims that millennials
are having a hard time saving money
because they're eating out too much.
-"No such thing," said lesbians.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-[ Laughs ]
Jenny's winning. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-A military officer born in Ghana
recently became Queen Elizabeth's
first close black adviser.
-Or as the queen calls him, "Uh, driver..."
[ Laughter ]
-According to a recent article, the newest gay icon
is the horror-movie character the Babadook.
-While the lesbian icon is still the birkenstock.
-Are birkenstocks really the ultimate lesbian icon?
-No, the ultimate lesbian icon is your haircut.
-Oh, hey.
The Maddow.
The city of Rochester, New York,
recently hired their first black female firefighter.
-And their Dalmatian will not stop barking at her!
Hey, Seth, you know how you can tell she's a black firefighter?
-How? -She carries an ask.
[ Man laughs loudly ]
[ Light laughter ]
-[ Laughs ]
-It's just you, brother! -I get it!
-You and me, baby!
-Did you find the one person? -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-You see, black people say "ax."
So then if they're carrying an ax, they would say "ask."
[ Light laughter ]
Still no?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-The Chinese government recently shut down
the country's most popular lesbian dating app.
-A lesbian dating app is like a regular dating app,
except you swipe like this.
-Ohh.
Wait. Did I get that right?
All right. Cool.
And how long do you have to do it?
-As long as she wants. -Okay, great. Yeah.
According to a recent article, the number of black students
at Harvard Law School dropped significantly last year.
-A black Harvard student is like a white Harvard student,
except when he says, "Do you know who my father is?"
he's really asking.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I'm sorry to correct you, but I think he's axing.
-[ Laughs ]
-Hey, Seth, why don't you tell one?
-Oh, I don't think I should, Jenny!
-You got to, bud!
-I don't think I'll get away with it!
-Oh, come on! Do it! -Okay, guys.
-What could go wrong?
-If you promise nothing will go wrong.
-I promise. -Yeah!
-The black-ensemble movie "Girls Trip"
had the largest opening of any live-action comedy
so far this year, beating the previous record
for largest opening, yo mama.
-How dare you?! -You told me I could say it!
-You should be ashamed of yourself!
-Lesbians and black women are liars!
♪♪♪♪
We'll be right back with more "Late Night," everybody.

Jokes Seth Can't Tell: First Black Valedictorian, Gay Icon Babadook

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