Meet Ahmed Armstrong: Coconut | Featuring Humza Productions

So, here we are at the cutting edge for techno-lology.
Has no limits.
Yes, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Stephen Hawkings,
you can eat your arse out.
How would I describe Ahmed Armstrong?
This is Jams. Jams, look!
James. Jams. Yes, my favourite white person, you are.
VOICEOVER: Yeah, yeah, he's nice.
No, no, no, no, he isn't.
Um... Creepy. He's very...
Is he going to be watching this?
HE CHUCKLES
Oooh! Yes, look, look!
Yes, we always joking about.
Yeah, well, he doesn't understand the concept of personal space.
So...that's a good part of it.
Jams, Jams. Good.
Oh, yeah, and this... this is my desk, my throne.
My...my cave. Whoo!
Saira! Oh, friendship.
He is like a Pakistani Noel Edmonds,
mixed with Satan.
High five. No!
British banter!
Ahmed is a...
Have you seen Halima's eyes, though?
They're green like cabbage.
And her lips...
They're like prawns, innit?
Peng, innit?
I've met some pricks in my time but Ahmed Armstrong is a bloody cactus.
He's a pain in the tits.
For some reason, viewers really like him, go figure.
He's outside, isn't he?
Saira, I can explain, please.
You see, it wasn't actually an assault, it was more like a kick.
To the throat.
It's just one fuck-up after another, isn't it?
No! And what is the point of keeping Bilal around
if you're not going to let him speak? Bilal is an idiot, OK?
You're meant to be educating him about Brexit Britain.
Now... I've got someone I want to show you.
Yo, what's happening, people?
It's your boy, Tommy Khan, bringing you all
the Tommy K's One-A-Day.
Now, today we're going to be looking out
for the world's number one dance move.
Justin Bieber made it, but we're going to be dropping it.
That's right, it's the dab.
Let me do my dab... Let me do my dab... Let me do my dab...
What the bloody shit is Tommy Khan? Tommy Khan is the future.
Well, what is dab?
It's just a popular dance, Ahmed, that the kids are doing.
What stupid kids would do such thick stupid moves like this? My kids!
No, but... Oh, OK, well, your kids are very nice people. Um...
Well, I'm just saying, you know, real men, British men,
we like to do the Morris dancing.
Let me show you, please... Sit down.
I'll show you tomorrow.
Tommy is really popular, you know. He's really talented.
You can see what he's able to do with just...
He looks like he doesn't have head on his dick.
I wouldn't know about that. What? Huh?
What?
Excuse me? He's very popular with the focus groups.
He's the next big thing.
You should see the way that he tackles current issues with
a modern approach. You need to watch him. No time.
I'm sorry, I am too busy with my Being British programme.
You know, we are still the number one most viewed on Pak Nation.
Even the oldest dog can learn a new trick, Ahmed.
Unless, of course, it's got rabies with matted shit in its fur.
In which case,
you would need to put it down.
Do you get what I'm saying, Ahmed?
You have a dog?
Shape up or shit out, all right?
I'm sick and tired of these embarrassments.
Here. Watch this.
Tommy K. Watch him and learn.
Now get out.
You just told me to sit down... Get out.
Europe, Europe, Europe.
Satan of times, and you can see it for what it really is.
Eur-rope, a rope that has been hanging the nation by its neck. Yes!
But I'm in a place that has registered
92.12% Brexit victory.
It has many names. Some people call this place Ground Zero,
others call it the Kingdom of Heaven.
But a lot of us and most of us know it as Dagenham.
We have indeed taken the shackles off our feet
and now we can dance,
because Anne, like I,
she decided to vote to leave Europe.
Very sensible.
Now, Anne, please, tell my viewers why, why did you vote to leave?
Um...
F... Foreigners... Foreigners. ..coming here taking our jobs?
Yes. I agree, absolutely.
What about the foreign contributes to society?
Like what?
Like, tea, bananas and Tom Jones.
Tom Jones isn't foreign, Bilal.
What about his Afro puff hair?
Do you think that Tom Jones is Jamaican?
Bilal, excuse me. Do you think that Tom Jones is Jamaican?
No. No, no.
You know the only English he knows is "no",
and he doesn't even pronounce it properly. What's wrong with you?
Oh, but my point is, Anne Cherry, well,
you are genuinely a true Brit and this fine nation salutes you.
Sorry, I don't feel very comfortable with that.
You don't feel comfortable... With this. with...
Oh.
I get it.
Bilal.
I think she wants you to leave.

Meet Ahmed Armstrong: Coconut | Featuring Humza Productions

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