One Week Older, June 30

WELCOME BACK!
SAY HI TO JON BASTEEFT AND STAY HUMAN RIGHT OVER THERE.
I GOTEA TELL YOU, I DON'T NEED THE FOURTH OF JULY.
THESE GUYS GIVE US FIREWORKS EVERY NIGHT.
>> Jon: YOU GOTTA BURN IT DOWN.
>> Stephen: THERE SHOULD BE "NO SMOKING" SIGN OVER THERE
BECAUSE YOU GUYS ARE SMOKE EVERY NIGHT.
JON, DO YOU HAVE ANY HEROES?
>> Jon: OH, YEAH I HAVE PLENTY OF HEROES, MUSICAL HEROES,
PEOPLE DOING SELFLESS WORK FOR NOT ENOUGH PAY AND NOT BEING
APPLAUDED FOR IT.
>> Stephen: SACRIFICE, PEOPLE WHO DO MORE THAN THEY'RE ASKED.
>> Jon: YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW THEIR NAMES.
>> Stephen: I HAVE THE SAME KIND OF HEROES.
I'LL TELL YOU WHO MY VIEWERS ARE, THE LOYAL VIEWERS OF THIS
SHOW.
YOU, YOU'RE MY HERO.
YOU'RE MY EVERYTHING.
BECAUSE NIGHT IN, NIGHT OUT, YOU STAY UP LATE, OR WATCH ME ON
YOUR COMPUTER THE NEXT DAY.
I DON'T CARE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU WATCH ME DO COMEDY AND
INTERVIEW MY GUESTS OVER HERE, TALK TO JON.
THEN, WHAT YOU DO IS YOU WRITE DOWN MY SPONSORS SO YOU REMEMBER
TO BUY THEIR PRODUCTS IN THE MORNING.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S AN HONOR SYSTEM, OBVIOUSLY,
IT'S AN HONOR SYSTEM.
IF YOU DON'T WATCH THE COMMERCIALS, TECHNICALLY YOU'RE
STEALING.
BUT HERE'S THE DEAL.
I KNOW YOU NEVER MISS A SHOW, BUT WE DO 200 OF THESE A YEAR.
YOU WANT TO WATCH ALL OF THEM, BUT EVEN THE MOST LOYAL,
STALWART VIEWERS MIGHT GET SICK AND MISS AN OCCASIONAL EPISODE.
TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO PRESENT FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME,
PROUDLY, THE VERY BEST MOMENTS OF THIS WEEK'S SHOWS.
ENJOY.
>> THAT SIMPLY IS NOT FACTUAL IF YOU HAVE MORE THAN $ITE00
BILLION IN CUTS.
>> WE DON'T SEE THEM IN CUTS.
IT'S SLOWING THE RATE OF GROWTH IN THE FUTURE AND GETTING
MEDICAID BACK TO WHERE IT WAS.
OBAMACARE EXPANDED THE POOL OF MEDICAID RECIPIENTS BEYOND ITS
ORIGINAL INTENTIONS.
>> Stephen: YES, THEY'RE NOT CUTS.
IT'S JUST RETURNING MEDICAID TO ITS ORIGINAL INTENTION.
IT'S LIKE AN ARSONIST SAYING, "I DIDN'T BURN THE HOUSE DOWN.
I JUST TOOK THE GROUND BACK TO PREHOUSE LEVELS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OKAY, THIS IS... SEE HOW THAT'S BETTER?
YESTERDAY, SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND MAN TRYING TO KEEP A
BIRD FROM ESCAPING HIS MOUTH, MITCH McCONNELL, ANNOUNCED
THAT VOTING ON THE BILL WOULD BE DELAYED UNTIL AFTER THE FOURTH
OF JULY.
IT'S A SMART MOVE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO STRIP PEOPLE OF HEALTH CARE UNTIL AFTER THE
HOLIDAY THAT MIXES BOOZE AND EXPLOSIVES.
( LAUGHTER ) >> THIS WILL BE GREET IF WE GET
IT DONE.
AND IF WE DON'T GET IT DONE, IT'S JUST GOING TO BE SOMETHING
THAT WE'RE NOT GOING TO LIKE AND THAT'S OKAY, AND I UNDERSTAND
THAT VERY WELL.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING.
AFTER ALL, IT WAS ALWAYS ON HIS HAT:
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) VERY TALL HAT.
TRUMP HAS A "TIME" MAGAZINE HANGING ON THE WALLS OF MANY OF
HIS GOLF CLUBS WITH THE HEADLINE, "DONALD TRUMP, THE
'APPRENTICE' IS A TELEVISION SMASH.
BUT IT TURNS OUT, IT'S A FAKE.
COME ON, MR. PRESIDENT.
YOU CAN DO BENEFICIARY THAT.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAK FAKE A MAGAZINE COVER, PUT YOURSELF ON
THE COVER OF "O."
I WANT TO HEAR YOUR RUSSIAN ACCENT.
>> WE'RE DONE WITH ACCENTS.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> ( IN RUSSIAN ACCENT )
WE ARE DONE IF YOU WISH TO BE DONE.
>> THAT WAS VERY GOOD!
I LIKED THAT VERY MUCH.
OKAY.
>> YOU DID THAT VERY WELL.
>> Stephen: YOU COME TO MOSCOW WITH ME.
>> OKAY, LET'S GO.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT GOING BACK.
( LAUGHTER ) SPICER BANNED CAMERAS FROM LAST
WEEK'S BRIEFINGS, AND THEN BANNED THEM AGAIN TODAY.
EVIDENTLY, WHILE I WAS IN RUSSIA, WE TURNED INTO RUSSIA.
I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THIS IS GOING TO GO ON, BUT WITH CAMERAS
BANNED FROM THE BRIEFING, CNN SENT A COURTROOM SKETCH ARTIST
TO COVER SPICER'S BRIEFINGS.
YEAH, YEAH.
SOMETHING TELLS ME IT WON'T BE THE LAST MEMBER OF THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION WE SEE IN A COURTROOM SKETCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALSO--
FIRST OF ALL, SOMEONE BLEEDING BADLY AT YOUR DOOR AND YOU SAY
NO?
IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR HEALTH CARE PLAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WHOA!
>> Stephen: A SUPER CONDUCTOR DETESTS MAGNETIC FIELDS.
AND THIS IS A CIRCULAR MAGNET.
GIVE THIS A LITTLE SPIN.
A LITTLE GENTLE SPIN.
>> Stephen: IS THAT HOW FIDGET SPINNERS WERE INVENTED?
MR. TRUMP, WE KNOW YOU THINK "THE WASHINGTON POST" IS FAKE
NEWS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP TELLING US.
I MEAN, OBAMA DIDN'T WAKE UP EVERY MORNING AND TWEET.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN EXTRA BONUS FOOTAGE FROM MY INTERVIEW WITH
MICHAEL KEATON.
STICK AROUND.

One Week Older, June 30

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