The Don - The President Show

For as long as I can remember,
I've always pretended to act like a gangster.
♪ Let's spin a wheel ♪
♪ Let's see the slots ♪
♪ Let's bet it all... ♪
TRUMP: All these crybaby Democrats
in the fake news media
call me the mobster president, like it's an insult.
But I love it.
So there I was,
in the kitchen of an old-school Italian restaurant,
trying to find the secret passageway to some goodfellas
so I could learn how to be the greatest boss
the world has ever seen.
I think I've been this way before.
How the hell do I get out of here?
You go that way.
There we go.
♪ Baby, let's roll the dice. ♪
I'm Donald Trump. Nice to meet you.
Finally, I got a seat at the table.
First, you got Frank DiMatteo.
Son of an enforcer for the Gallo crime family,
Frankie was driving getaway cars before he could walk.
Then there was Alonso Esposito,
aka Boston Bob Luisi.
This guy ran rackets up and down the Eastern Seaboard.
Last but not least, Michael Franzese,
aka the Yuppie Don.
The FBI once called him the most powerful
and richest gangster in the world.
I couldn't wait to hear what these wiseguys had to say.
Mr. President, we here, we mangia together.
-Yeah. -You understand? We all eat.
-I'm not talking about food now. -Okay.
Hear what I'm trying to tell you.
Eat (bleep)?
No. (chuckles)
-Is that what we're saying? -We don't do that.
-We don't do that. -No?
-No. -No, no, no. -Wait, good. Neither do I.
-No. -Yeah.
-You want to be a good boss? -I want to be a good boss.
Everybody around you got to eat.
Democrats, Republicans-- everybody got to eat.
-I get it, I get it. -You got it, you got it.
Everybody needs to eat.
But isn't it better to hire a bunch of people,
then you don't pay them,
and then when they sue you, you negotiate down the rate?
-No, that's not what a good boss does. -Not... No.
-We don't do that. -We don't do that.
But that's, uh... that's what I've done for years.
-That's not a good boss then. Eh... -See, if you-you did that
-in our life, you won't last. -No?
-You'd be gone. -Gone?
I felt like a regular schnook.
Nevertheless, I persisted.
So what else do I need to work on?
I think you should be a little low-key
a little bit with your tweeting.
-Yeah. -I tweeted today that I'm meeting you guys.
-No. -Did you, really? No more tweets.
-I got to tweet. -No.
But I get so angry.
And then I get worked up and I go,
"I got to say this right now."
You can't let people know what you're thinking, ever.
Now, wait a minute, you're saying
-I can't even use emoticons? -No.
Not even the doody one with the eyes?
-Nothing. -Not even the doody one.
Nothing. Nothing.
-Capisce? -Capisce?
You know what this means, "capisce"?
I love a fresh capisce.
Capisce, mozzarella, a little bit of basil,
some tomato, and a focaccia roll?
-No. No capisce. No capisce. -(laughing) -I don't understand.
What did they think? I was funny? I was a clown?
Well, clowns are funny.
I knew I had earned their respect.
I'm worried. He's got too many leaks in the White House.
-Got leaks. -Got a lot of leaks. -This is big issue.
This is with Comey. You know about Comey, the FBI director?
What's this thing you talked to him about? The thing.
Well, the thing was, I said, "Listen,
you're gonna lay off, right?"
-I just said, "You're gonna lay off." -Mm-hmm.
-You know what I'm saying. -I know what you're saying.
He didn't get it at all.
I think you should've fired him right away.
-In the beginning. -Never trust the FBI.
-Never trust 'em. -Never trust...
-Yeah, that's the first rule. -I can't stand the FBI.
The FBI is a bunch of jerks.
-You can tell he was hanging out with us. -Yeah.
-His father had a lot of good friends. -Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Who were some of my father's friends?
-(chuckling) -We don't say. We don't say. -No?
You can't share that?
Daddy helps me out once again.
We have so much in common.
My paisans, my P'Zones.
So what else do I need? Is there anything else
that I need that I'm missing?
You're listening? Pay attention.
-See, everything we do, it's about famiglia. -Right.
-Everything. -I think it's important
to keep your family close. But what about Melania?
-What if I want a new wife? -No. No. -Mm. You can't.
You don't understand. We were never allowed to get divorced.
-That's a rule. -What? Are you kidding me?
-No divorcing. -Well, how did you, you know, have fun?
Well, you had your goomah on the side.
-Yeah, friends with benefits. -Goomah. That's how you say it.
-A goomah. A friend with benefits? -A goomah on the side.
Friend with benefits. That's what you got to get.
So, like my daughter?
-What'd he just say? -No. Shame on you.
-You think it's time to go? -Yeah, it's gonna take a lot
-of work. -I think it's time. I think it's time. I'm done.
Having paid their respects, they decided to leave.
But for those four and a half minutes, we were kings.
No, we think you were good. You're good.
-You can tell he was hanging out with us. -Yeah.
-You have the power now. -Shame on you.
You know what else is made in America? Me.
The Don... ald Trump.

The Don - The President Show - Comedy Central

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