The Opening Monologue Of 'Russia Week'

WELL, FOLKS, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS -- IT'S RUSSIA WEEK, AND I JUST WANT TO GET OUT AHEAD OF
THE STORY HERE.
I RECENTLY MET WITH A LOT OF RUSSIANS.
I CAN'T REMEMBER WHY.
MAYBE BECAUSE I WAS IN RUSSIA.
OH, SOME OF THEM WORKED FOR THE GOVERNMENT.
THIS WEEK, WE'LL BE SHOWING YOU ONE RUSSIAN FIELD PIECE.
SORRY.
I MEANT TO SAY TWO RUSSIAN -- MY LAWYERS ARE TELLING ME FIVE
RUSSIAN FIELD PIECES.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D FIND OUT.
THE WHOLE WEEK WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET BUT SOMEONE LEAKED
IT TO CBS'S MARKETING DEPARTMENT.
I DIDN'T.
ANYWAY, RUSSIA'S COMING UP LATER IN THE SHOW.
MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE UNITED STATES, RUSSIA.
FOLKS, THINGS ARE NOT LOOKING GOOD FOR PRESIDENT SON AND STORE
BRAND BILLY BALDWIN, DONALD TRUMP, JR.
BECAUSE OF A MEETING HE TOOK LAST YEAR WITH RUSSIAN LAWYER
NATALIA VESELNITSKAYA.
AND NOW WE'VE LEARNED THAT THERE WAS ANOTHER RUSSIAN AT THAT
MEETING, RUSSIAN LOBBYIST RINAT AKHMYETSHIN.
FUNNY DETAIL -- HE'S REPORTEDLY A FORMER SOVIET
COUNTERINTELLIGENCE OFFICER.
OF COURSE, WHEN IT COMES TO DON, JR., THERE'S NOT MUCH
INTELLIGENCE TO COUNTER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
NOW, AKHMYETSHIN "DENIES ANY CURRENT TIES TO RUSSIAN SPY
AGENCIES."
IT MUST BE TRUE.
REMEMBER THE FIRST RULE OF SPY CLUB -- TELL EVERYONE YOU'RE
IN SPY CLUB.
( LAUGHTER ) POINT IS, THERE'S ANOTHER LIE
BECAUSE, LAST WEEK, DON, JR. DIDN'T MENTION THIS RUSSIAN GUY.
NO, HE SAID THIS -- >> THIS IS EVERYTHING.
THIS IS EVERYTHING.
>> Stephen: THIS IS EVERYTHING.
MUST HAVE SLIPPED HIS MIND.
WITH ALL THAT HAIR GEL, THINGS JUST SLIDE OUT.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
SO THERE WAS A FIFTH PERSON WE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT.
THEN WE FOUND OUT THERE WAS A SIXTH PERSON.
SIX!
THAT'S MORE PEOPLE THAN ARE CURRENTLY WORKING AT THE E.P.A.!
( LAUGHTER ) WHO WAS THE SIXTH PERSON?
WE DON'T KNOW.
I'M GUESSING THE GUY WHO HAD TO KEEP BRINGING CHAIRS INTO THE
CONFERENCE ROOM.
NOW, NO ONE'S SAYING THERE WERE SEVEN PEOPLE IN THE MEETING
BECAUSE, TURNS OUT, THERE WERE AT LEAST EIGHT PEOPLE IN THE
ROOM.
EIGHT!
AND THAT'S NOT EVEN COUNTING THE OTHER RUSSIANS THAT ARE NESTED
INSIDE OF THEM!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DON, JR.'S DEFENSE THIS ENTIRE TIME HAS BEEN THAT HE WANTED TO
COLLUDE WITH RUSSIA BUT GOT NOTHING.
THEREFORE, INNOCENT?
BUT YOU KNOW WHO DOESN'T REMEMBER IT THAT WAY?
( LAUGHTER ) RINAT AKHMYETSHIN.
♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE CLAIMS THAT NATALIA, THE RUSSIAN LAWYER, GAVE DON "A
PLASTIC FOLDER WITH PRINTED-OUT DOCUMENTS THAT DETAILED WHAT SHE
BELIEVED WAS THE FLOW OF ILLICIT FUNDS TO THE DEMOCRATS."
OKAY, THEY NEVER MET WITH RUSSIANS, BUT TURNS OUT THEY
DID.
BUT ALL THEY TALKED ABOUT WAS ADOPTION, BUT IT TURNS OUT THEY
TALKED ABOUT COLLUDING, BUT THE ONE RUSSIAN DIDN'T GIVE THEM ANY
DOCUMENTS, BUT IT TURNS SHE DID AND IT WASN'T ONE RUSSIAN, IT
WAS FIVE.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME A TRUMP HAS LIED ABOUT HAVING A SMALLER
CROWD SIZE.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, DONALD TRUMP HAS
ADDED ANOTHER LAWYER TO HIS TEAM, FORMER FEDERAL PROSECUTOR
AND MAN HIRING THE THREE STOOGES TO MOVE A PIANO, TY COBB.
YES, THAT'S REALLY HIS NAME.
SO WHO IS TRUMP'S NEW LAWYER AND MODEL TRAIN MAGAZINE'S 2010 BAD
BOY OF THE YEAR, TY COBB?
WELL, ACCORDING TO THE BIO ON HIS FIRM'S WEBSITE, TY COBB GETS
RESULTS THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY, WHICH, PRESUMABLY, IS ALSO HOW
HE GETS HIS MUSTACHE WAX AND HOMEMADE ROOT BEER.
BUT HE'S NO SLOUCH.
BY "HE" I MEAN SALTWATER TAFFY MASCOT, TY COBB.
HE'S WON HUGE LEGAL CASES INCLUDING WHEN HE SUCCESSFULLY
DEFENDED A BEEF PROCESSOR AGAINST CHARGES OF LYING TO
INVESTIGATORS.
THAT WAS VERY GENEROUS OF COBB TO HELP OUT A RIVAL CATTLE
BARON.
BUT JUST BECAUSE HE'S RUTHLESS IN THE COURT ROOM DOESN'T MEAN
THAT THERE ISN'T A SOFT SIDE TO TRUMP LAWYER AND LOLLIPOP GUILD
STRIKE BREAKER, TY COBB.
FOR EXAMPLE, HE WAS DESCRIBED BY CNN LEGAL ANALYST MICHAEL ZELDIN
AS "A GENUINELY NICE MAN."
OF COURSE, IT'S NOT SURPRISING THAT YOU'D GET A NICE VIBE FROM
TRUMP LAWYER AND REJECTED WESTWORLD SALOON KEEPER, TY
COBB.
TODAY, HIS NEW CLIENT, DONALD TRUMP, UNVEILED "MADE IN
AMERICA" WEEK.
POSSIBLY TO DISTRACT FROM THE FACT THAT HIS CAMPAIGN WAS MADE
IN RUSSIA.
ONE OF THE PRODUCTS MADE IN AMERICA THAT HE HIGHLIGHTED WAS
A BIG SHINY FIRE TRUCK!
AND THE PRESIDENT, OF COURSE, COULD NOT RESIST GETTING IN.
( LAUGHTER ) WHERE'S THE FIRE?
WE HAVEN'T FOUND THE FIRE, YET, MR. PRESIDENT, BUT THERE'S MORE
SMOKE EVERY DAY.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

The Opening Monologue Of 'Russia Week'

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