Trump Claims His Ohio Rally Broke All Records. Every. Single. One.

OH, YOU KNOW WHO COULD USE SOME ANTI-ANXIETY MEDICATION?
MEMBERS OF THE TRUMP'S CABINET.
BECAUSE HE WILL TURN ON YOU FASTER THAN AN INBRED DALMATIAN.
FOR DAYS NOW, OVER A WEEK, HE'S BEEN ATTACKING
ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS, WHO WAS THE FIRST SENATOR TO
ENDORSE HIM DURING THE CAMPAIGN.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: "KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE, AND
DON'T BE DONALD TRUMP'S FRIEND."
( APPLAUSE ) FRIENDSHIP?
FRIENDSHIP?
>> Jon: YEAH, FRIENDSHIP.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
THIS MORNING, TRUMP WENT AFTER JEFF SESSIONS AGAIN, TWEETING
MAN THAT IS-- THAT IS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
FORGET THE SWAMP-- DRAIN THAT TWEET.
AND GET THIS: TRUMP LAUNCHED THAT TWITTER ATTACK WHILE
SESSIONS WAS AT THE WHITE HOUSE, AND TRUMP
WAS TWEETING AT HIM FROM ANOTHER CORNER OF THE SAME BUILDING!
( LAUGHTER ) "MR. PRESIDENT, AS YOUR ATTORNEY
GENERAL, I WISH TO DISCUSS AN IMPORTANT MATTER-- AND I SEE YOU
HAVE RETREATED TO YOUR TWEETIN' CORNER.
I RESPECTFULLY AWAIT YOUR ABUSE.
WHERE IS THE SPANKING MACHINE?" ( LAUGHTER )
SO, THE WHITE HOUSE IS IN CHAOS, OKAY.
NOBODY TRUSTS ANYBODY THERE.
HIS HEALTHCARE PUSH IS FAILING.
HIS APPROVAL RATING IS PLUMMETING.
SO TO CHEER UP, HE THREW HIMSELF A RALLY IN OHIO LAST NIGHT.
THAT IS JUST SAD TO SEE A GROWN MAN WHO CAN'T GO A DAY WITHOUT
HEARING THE CHEERS OF AN ADORING CROWD.
AM I RIGHT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
>> Stephen: STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT IS,
OBVIOUSLY, A JOKE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ALSO A GREAT REPLACEMENT
FOR VIAGRA.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT MUST HAVE BEEN A GREAT
RALLY LAST NIGHT, BECAUSE TODAY TRUMP TWEETED:
"THE CROWD IN OHIO WAS AMAZING LAST NIGHT-- BROKE ALL RECORDS."
YES, IT WAS THE LARGEST CROWD EVER ASSEMBLED AT THE
6,000-PERSON CAPACITY COVELLI CENTRE.
SO, I ASSUME THEY BROKE THE RECORD FOR "MOST 6,000"?
BUT REMEMBER, HE SAID IT "BROKE ALL RECORDS."
I ASSUME HE HAD THE WORLD'S TALLEST, LONGEST FINGERNAILS
GUY, THE FAT MOTORCYCLE TWINS.
ALSO, SOMEHOW IT WAS THE HIGHEST GROSSING BOLLYWOOD FILM OF ALL
TIME.
TRUMP TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO ANSWER HIS CRITICS.
>> SOMETIMES THEY SAY HE DOESN'T ACT PRESIDENTIAL.
IN FACT, I SAID, "IT IS MUCH EASIER, BY THE WAY, TO ACT
PRESIDENTIAL THAN WHAT WE ARE DOING HERE TONIGHT, BELIEVE ME.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE WHAT WE ARE DOING HERE TONIGHT IS AN
ABSOLUTE EMBARRASSMENT TO THE OFFICE.
BELIEVE ME.
THIS IS NOT PRESIDENTIAL AT ALL.
( APPLAUSE ) AND, OF COURSE, AS TO BE
EXPECTED, DONALD TRUMP WAS VERY HUMBLE ABOUT HIS PLACE IN
HISTORY.
>> WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE LATE, GREAT ABRAHAM LINCOLN, I
CAN BE MORE PRESIDENTIAL THAN ANY PRESIDENT THAT HAS EVER HELD
THIS OFFICE.
>> Stephen: "MORE PRESIDENTIAL!"
NO.
>> Audience: BOO!
>> Stephen: MORE PRESIDENTIAL THAN WASHINGTON, WHO INVENTED
THE PRESIDENCY.
WHO WON THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.
AND FOR THE RECORD HE DID IT WITH BONE SPURS IN HIS MOUTH.

Trump Claims His Ohio Rally Broke All Records. Every. Single. One.

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