Trump's Long Handshake with Macron, World Emoji Day

-Let's talk about what people are talking about,
what's going on in the news right now.
Over the weekend, it came out
that President Trump's approval rating is at 36%.
[ Audience groans ]
But Trump defended the number, saying that it was "almost 40."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Come on! -He did.
"Almost 40."
36%.
Then he said, "And if you read 36 upside down,
it looks like 93, which is almost 100.
So I'm doing amazing.
Almost 100. In Upside Down World."
But did you see that last week, Trump's son Don Jr.
tweeted screenshots of e-mails from the Russian lawyer
who offered sensitive info to his dad's campaign?
When he heard that his son
tweeted about an ongoing investigation,
Trump was like, "The student has become the master."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-That's it.
-"Wax on. Wax off."
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ]
In the meantime, the president has hired a new lawyer.
Did you see this guy? -Yeah.
-[ Laughs ] It's unbelievable.
He's hired a new lawyer. His name is Ty Cobb.
[ Laughter ]
It's his real name.
Dude, Quest, I swear, man. -Come on!
-His real name -- His name is Ty Cobb.
To oversee the White House response
to the Russia investigation.
Show a picture. This is real. That is the lawyer.
[ Laughter ]
Because nothing says "My client's innocent"
like a lawyer who looks like he's wearing a disguise.
What is going --
[ Cheers and applause ]
"He's innocent!"
I don't know if he's giving Trump legal advice
or talking to him about "diabeetus."
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughs ]
"Come over to this side of the porch."
Trump just had his first trip to France,
and at the end of his visit -- Did you see this?
He shook hands with French President Emmanuel Macron
for a really long time.
Did you see? It's pretty strange.
We didn't do anything to this. Watch this video.
Here he goes.
"How you doing? Nice to see you.
Pleasure to meet you. Yeah. How you doing?
All right. Good. Yeah." Tap, tap, tap.
There you go. Pull. A little yank, a little yank.
Yeah, that's good. And he's still holding.
He's like -- This is real.
And then the French First Lady --
He gets her involved, and they're grabbing.
Now it's the circle of life.
Now -- And then you again. You get tapped.
That's it. 30 seconds. 30-second handshake.
That looked like a lame sitcom where two characters
accidentally glue their hands together.
You know? It's like, "Ugh, ugh! What are you going to do? Heh!"
[ Applause ]
You guys, last night was the season premiere
of "Game of Thrones."
[ Cheers and applause ]
No spoilers. No spoilers.
But I saw that HBO's streaming site crashed during the episode.
[ Audience oohs ]
That's how crazy this show has gotten.
They're killing off websites now.
-Really?
Everything -- -They don't care.
-You don't know who's going to survive.
-Winter is here.
-I saw that today is World Emoji Day.
Did you guys know that? Yeah, of course.
So in honor of that...
[ Laughter ]
...we did some research and found out
what was the inspiration behind some popular emojis.
-Really? -Yeah, for example,
this emoji was inspired by Angela Merkel
when she was listening to Donald Trump.
-Wow. Wow.
[ Applause ]
-This emoji was inspired
by Ben Carson at an important meeting.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, this emoji was inspired by Donald Trump
when he's asked about Russia.
[ Laughter and applause ]
More trouble for United Airlines.
-Oh. -Yeah.
The rapper ScHoolboy Q says
that they actually flew his dog to the wrong city.
Yeah. Then I guess on the flight back,
the dog had a fight over a seat with Ann Coulter.
-Really?!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's right.
-Ah. -Yeah.
-"This bitch gets my seat?"
[ Laughter ]
It's a dog.
[ Laughter ]
It's a dog.
Get this. On Friday, a group of 40 turtles
caused delays on the runway at JFK Airport.
On the bright side, the turtles were moving so slow,
they got hired to work at LaGuardia.
"That's amazing.
They're that slow. They're that slow.
It's amazing. -Hey-yo!
-They're that slow!"
This isn't good, guys.
Millions of Sabrett's hot dogs --
I love Sabrett's hot dogs.
Millions of Sabrett's hot dogs
that are sold here on the street in New York City
are being recalled because they contain small pieces of bone.
[ Laughter ]
While the foreman at the factory was like,
"Hey, has anyone seen Jeff?
[ Cheers and applause ]
When you see him, tell him he's fired!"
-[ Laughs ]
"He hasn't been here since the machine clogged up!"
-[ Laughs ]
"Oh, Jeff's wedding ring.
He must have dropped it in the hot-dog mixture!"
-"He's eloping with a different lady!"
-"I'll go bring it to his house.
I'll take the same shortcut home that Jeff takes."
Whoa-ah!
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ]
-"Where's Gary?!"
-"When you see Jerry, tell him he's fired!
Hey, Jerry's hat. He must have dropped it in the hot dogs.
I'll take the same shortcut that Jerry takes!"
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ]
It's just -- Okay. I don't know.
[ Laughter ]
Guys, millions of hot dogs have been recalled
after small pieces of bone were been found in them.
Street vendors are doing their best to keep sales going.
Just check out some of the new signs that they've been using
I saw today on the streets of New York.
-You saw them? -I walked around.
I brought my camera. I took photos.
-Of all the times? -All the vendors.
-All over the city? -Yeah.
-Well, how nice of you.
-I have one of those nice Kodak Brownie cameras.
-Oh, my gosh!
-Yeah. It's a beautiful old camera.
I got to get it developed. -132-millimeter film.
-[ Laughs ] I walked around today,
and they're trying to keep business going.
-God bless them.
-So let's take a look at some of the signs they have.
This first one says, "Relax. These hot dogs were made
years before the bone problem started."
Don't worry about it. -Yeah.
-Years ago. -Yeah.
-This next one says, "So what? You got bones inside you, too."
-Yeah.
What's your problem?
[ Applause ]
I like this one.
This one says, "You want a boneless hot dog?
What are you, the queen of friggin' England?"
"What are you?" -No!
"The queen of friggin' England."
Here's the last one here.
It says, "This cart is the original
famous bone-filled hot dog cart."
That's the one to be at. That's the one.
[ Applause ]
Oh, this really made me laugh, guys.
Last week, a man in Texas got himself trapped inside an ATM.
Did you hear about this? This is insane.
This is a movie. This is fantastic.
This is finally my one-man show. I get to do this.
Trapped in an ATM machine.
And he was slipping people notes through the receipt slot
that said "Help."
People taking money out were like,
"I knew my balance was low, but what?
What do you mean, 'help'?
Oh, man. I'm in trouble, man."
[ Applause ]
That's right. The guy got stuck in an ATM.
The man said that he was excited to finally eat
then got himself trapped in a vending machine.
He's like, "Press B12!"
Guys, we have a great show tonight.
It's really fun! The Roots right there!

Trump's Long Handshake with Macron, World Emoji Day - Monologue

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