Big Furry Hat, Totes Amazeballs Edition

NOW, JOHN, I'M STILL INCREDIBLY EXCITED ABOUT OUR GUEST ON
MONDAY.
YOU GUYS KNOW WHO WE HAVE MONDAY, WE HAVE ANTHONY
SCARAMUCCI MONDAY ON THE SHOW.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT,
THEY'RE EITHER SAYING THE MOOCH OR REALLY MISPRONOUNCING BRUCE.
I'M EXCITED THAT HE'S GOING TO BRING ME A PRESIDENT.
HE TWEETED THIS, ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI, TALKING ABOUT MONEY,
I AM BRINGING STEPHEN COLBERT A PROFESSIONALLY MONOGRAMMED
FRONT-STABBING KNIFE.
>> Jon: HEY!
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: GOOD LUCK GETTING THAT THROUGH SECURITY, MY
FRIEND.
I DO HAVE A LOT OF SECURITY BECAUSE I'M A VERY IMPORTANT
PERSON.
>> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: I SPENT A LOT OF YEARS WORKING FOR A NETWORK
CALLED IMPORTANT CENTRAL.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AS A LATE NIGHT HOST, I PEELED TREMENDOUS POWER,
JON.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: AS MUCH AS HISTORY'S MOST
RUTHLESS TYRANTS, GENGHIS KHAN, KIM JONG UN AND CAMILLA PARKER
BOWLES.
( LAUGHTER ) WE ALL HAVE TWO THINGS IN
COMMON, NONE OF US WILL EVER BE QUEEN OF ENG WHRAND, AND WE ALL
HAVE A BIG FURRY HAT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( DRUM CADENCE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW THAT THIS HAT IS UPON MY
HEAD, ALL PROCLAMATIONS I MAKE ARE NOW AND FOREVER LAW.
LET US BEGIN.
( DRUM BEAT ) ( LAUGHTER )
HENCEFORTH, RESTAURANT BATHROOMS MUST REMOVE ALL MIRRORS.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE AFTER EATING A BLOOMING
ONION.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: FROM THIS MOMENT,
NO WORLD LEADER IS ALLOWED TO USE THE PHRASE "FIRE
AND FURY" UNLESS THEY'RE ALSO IN A HEAVY METAL BAND.
( CHEERING ) FROM NOW ON, FAT-FREE PEANUT
BUTTER MUST BE CALLED WHAT IT ACTUALLY IS: A BROWN WASTE OF
TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HEED MY EDICT: THEATERS CAN ONLY SHOW A MAXIMUM OF FIVE TRAILERS
BEFORE THE MOVIE STARTS, AND ONLY THREE OF THEM CAN HAVE
SPIDER-MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FROM NOW ON, ANY GUY WHO MAN-SPREADS OR MAN-SPLAINS MAY
BE WOMAN-SLAUGHTERED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AS OF NOW, IF SOMEONE BORROWS
YOUR PHONE CHARGER, APPLE MUST AUTOMATICALLY SEND YOU A NEW
ONE-- BECAUSE YOU'RE NEVER GETTING THAT THING BACK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ANYONE WHO SAYS "TOTES AMAZEBALLS" WILL BE "BRUTES
EXECUTED."
( APPLAUSE ) HEREINAFTER: TO MAKE "GAME OF
THRONES" SEEM SLIGHTLY MORE REALISTIC, THERE MUST BE AT
LEAST ONE SHOT OF THE DRAGONS POOPING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOUR VACATION IS
NOW LIKE FIGHT CLUB.
REMEMBER THE FIRST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB: DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT
YOUR VACATION.
( APPLAUSE ) FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, IF DONALD
TRUMP'S APPROVAL RATING DROPS BELOW THE ROTTEN TOMATOES SCORE
OF THE 1996 MOVIE "KAZAAM," THEN SHAQUILLE O'NEAL BECOMES
PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE HAT HAS SPOKEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MILLIE
BOBBY BROWN.

Big Furry Hat, Totes Amazeballs Edition

Latest Posts