Emoji News

THIS IS HOW IT WORKS.
I SHOW YOU A NEWS STORY WRITTEN ONLY IN EMOJI.
YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK IS NEWS STORY IS ABOUT.
WHO HERE KNOWS THEIR EMOJIS?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHO WANTS TO PLAY?
ANYBODY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU WANT THE PLAY?
YOU WANT TO PLAY?
COME OVER.
COME ON OVER.
HOW ARE YOU, SIR?
>> DOING GREAT.
>> James: NICE TO SEE YOU.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> SANJI.
>> James: WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
MONTERREY PARK CALIFORNIA.
>> James: I NOTICE YOU KEPT YOUR HAND ON ME FOR QUITE A LONG
TIME.
>> I SNUCK IT IN.
SORRY.
>> James: VERY FORWARD.
IT LINGERED FOR THAT WHOLE THING.
>> I WAS HOPING YOU DIDN'T NOTICE.
>> James: HOW COULD I NOT NOTICE?
( LAUGHTER ) YOUR HAND WAS INCHES ABOVE MY
ASS FOR A REALLY LONG TIME.
>> THAT WAS MY ONLY OPPORTUNITY.
>> James: SANJI!
COME ON.
HAVE ANOTHER GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SANJI, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A
LIVING?
>> I'M A CHEF.
>> James: WHAT DO YOU COOK?
AMERICAN FUSION.
>> James: YOU'VE GOT TO BE STILL!
( LAUGHTER ) DUDE!
DUDE!
WE JUST COVERED THAT!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> LET ME TAKE YOU TO DINNER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I'LL COOK YOU DINNER.
>> James: YOU WILL COOK ME DINNER?
>> I FEEL LIKE I OWE YOU NOW.
>> James: YOU WENT STRAIGHT FOR THE MAIN COURSE.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT WILL YOU COOK FOR ME?
>> UM -- >> James: THAT'S A GOOD START.
HOW DO I KNOW WHAT I WOULD COOK FOR YOU QUICKER THAN YOU WOULD
ME?
>> WHAT?
>> James: BEEF WELLINGTON.
WHAT WOULD YOU COOK FOR ME?
>> UM -- >> James: THE SHOW IS
LITERALLY ONLY AN HOUR.
I CAN'T STRESS THAT ENOUGH.
IS IT EASIER IF YOU'RE TOUCH MEG?
>> THAT'S BETTER.
>> James: GO FOR IT.
I WILL MAKE YOU PEKING DUCK.
( APPLAUSE ) >> James: TAKE A LOOK AT THESE
EMOJIS HERE.
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK IS HAPPENING IN THIS STORY?
WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT COULD MEAN?
>> ATTEMPTED -- >> James: I'M GENUINELY
SERIOUS, HE'S TICKLING MY BACK.
>> OKAY.
>> James: I'M NOT EVEN JOKING.
I WOULD SAY -- >> James: A POLICEMAN.
IT'S A POLICEMAN.
>> James: IT'S AN ANGRY FACE.
ANGRY MAN.
HAS A BROKEN ARM.
>> James: BROKEN ARM BECAUSE --
>> BECAUSE HIS CONDOM BROKE IN THE PURSE?
>> James: HIS CONDOM BROKE IN THE PURSE.
( LAUGHTER ) THANK GOD YOU CAN COOK.
ACCORDING TO POLICE IN ZIMBABWE, A WOMAN BROKE HER HUSBAND'S ARM
DURING AN ARGUMENT RESULTING FROM HIM FINDING A USED CONDOM
IN HER BAG.
YEAH.
THIS WOMAN'S BEEN REALLY HANDLING A LOT OF BONES.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
TAKE A SEAT.
WHO ELSE WOULD LIKE TO PLAY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> James: COME ON OUT.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
>> GOOD.
>> James: WHAT'S YOUR NAME.
BAILEY.
>> James: WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
I JUST MOVED TO LONG BEACH FROM DENVER.
>> James: WHY DID YOU MOVE?
FROM GRAD SCHOOL.
I'M A SINGER.
>> James: ARE YOU?
YEAH.
>> James: YOU'RE A PROPER SINGER?
>> A JAZZ SINGER.
>> James: WHAT SORT OF VIBES?
TALK ME THROUGH THE VIBES.
>> WHAT KIND OF VIBES?
JAZZ VIBES.
>> James: SMOKEY JAZZ?
GIVE US A TASTE.
♪ AT LAST MY LOVE HAS COME ALONG ♪
♪ MY LONELY DAYS ARE OVER ♪ ♪ AND LIFE IS LIKE A SONG
AGAIN ♪ >> James: WHAT ABOUT THAT,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
>> James: SANJI, JUST SO YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
YOU ASK A QUESTION OF SOMEONE WHO DOES IT FOR A JOB REALLY
WELL.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING ON HERE?
>> OH, MY.
WELL, I THINK SOMEONE GOT HANDCUFFED TO A HOSPITAL --
( LAUGHTER ) YOU NEVER KNOW THESE DAYS.
LISTEN, THERE WAS ANOTHER -- THEY GOT ARRESTED.
IT WENT TO THE HOSPITAL.
>> James: YES.
THE DOCTOR WAS, LIKE -- TURNED IT -- I DON'T KNOW, GAVE
HER A PONY TAIL?
( APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW.
>> James: YEAH, THIS WAS A STORY IN THE NEWS.
IT WAS IN THE NEWS.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S MAKING THE NEWS.
DOCTOR GIVES LADY PONY TAIL AFTER ARREST.
>> YOU NEVER KNOW.
>> James: WELL, I CAN TELL YOU YOU ARE COMPLETELY WRONG.
WHAT THIS IS, COPS IN CHINA ARRESTED A WOMAN WHO CHANGED HER
APPEARANCE USING PLASTIC SURGERY IN ORDER TO AVOID PAYING A
$3.7 MILLION DEBT.
NO WORD YET IF THE WOMAN WAS SURPRISED SHE GOT CAUGHT OR IF
THAT'S JUST HER NEW FACE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANKS FOR PLAYING.
ANYBODY ELSE WANT TO PLAY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WAIT, WAIT.
I'M COMING DOWN.
I'M GOING DOWN THERE.
OFF VERY IMPORTANT DECISION TO MAKE.
I'M GOING DOWN THE AISLE.
DO YOU WANT THE ASS OR THE CROTCH?
>> ASS.
>> James: ASS?
DEFINITELY, ALWAYS.
>> James: ALWAYS?
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, THEN!
DRINK IT IN, GUYS.
DRINK IT IN.
IT'S COMING DOWN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
THERE IT IS.
THERE IT IS.
THERE IT IS.
ALL RIGHT, STAND UP!
( APPLAUSE ) HOW ARE YOU, SIR?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
>> SIMON FROM AUSTRIA, EUROPE.
>> James: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> VACATION.
>> James: WHO ARE YOU VACATIONING WITH?
>> MY BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND RIGHT HERE.
>> James: STAND UP FOR US.
I'M SORRY.
THAT IS A GOOD LOOKING COUPLE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN FRENCH
KISSING?
>> OFFICIALLY OR UNOFFICIALLY?
>> James: I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
>> IT'S ABOUT -- >> James: WHEN DID YOU
UNOFFICIALLY FRENCH KISS.
>> IN JUNE 2013.
>> James: YOU THINK?
I KNOW FOR A FACT.
>> James: EVERY WOMAN WENT, AW!
AND EVERY MAN WENT, DUDE...
( LAUGHTER ) BACK IN AUSTRIA, DO YOU USE A
LOT OF EMOJIS.
>> YES, WE'VE STARTED USING THEM.
>> James: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE EMOJI?
>> I ALWAYS GO WITH THE GRANDPA.
DON'T ASK WHY, BUT I USUALLY GO WITH THE GRANDPA EMOJI.
>> James: WHY DID YOU GO WITH THE GRANDPA EMOJI?
>> WE HAVE A LITTLE AGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US THAT'S WHY
UH USE THE GRANDPA.
>> James: WHAT'S THE AGE DIFFERENCE?
>> 29.
>> James: HOW OLD ARE YOU?
25.
>> James: DUDE, DUDE!
THAT'S HARDLY AN AGE DIFFERENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE BOTH STILL IN YOUR 20s.
>> AGREED.
>> James: ALL RIGHT, NOW, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK THIS NEWS STORY COULD BE.
ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE EGGPLANT EMOJI?
>> YES, I AM.
>> James: YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS?
>> YES, I DO.
>> James: DOES GRANDPA EVER FIRE ONE OF THOSE OUT FROM TIME
TO TIME?
>> YES, YES, HE DOES.
>> James: SO TELL ME WHAT YOU RECKON AND YOU CAN CONFER, WHAT
DO YOU THINK IS GOING ON, GRAND-DAD?
>> I THINK THE GUY GOT DRUNK AT SOMEBODY ELSE'S FENCE, HE SHOWED
HIM HIS.
>> James: EGGPLANT.
HAD TO WALK BACK BUT STILL SHOWED THE EGGPLANT.
>> James: YOU THINK THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A MAN WHO SHOWED
ANOTHER MAN HIS PENIS.
>> YES.
>> James: IT IS NOT THAT.
WHAT THIS IS, WHILE DRUNKENLY TRYING TO HOP A METAL FENCE WITH
SPIKES A 27-YEAR-OLD MAN IN RUSSIA ENDED UP HANGING FROM THE
FENCE BY HIS PENIS.
EVENTUALLY THE MAN MANAGED TO FREE HIMSELF AND STAGGER TO A
LOCAL HOSPITAL LEAVING HIS PENIS AND PART OF HIS JEANS ATTACHED
ON THE FENCE'S RAILING.
I KNOW.
I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE LEAVE THEIR JUNK IN MY YARD.
THANK YOU FOR PLAYING.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA AND NIKOLAJ
COSER-WALDAU! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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