One Week Older, The Fall of Scaramucci

WELCOME BACK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WHAT AN AMAZING WEEK.
WHAT AN INCREDIBLE, UNBELIEVABLE WEEK WE'VE HAD HERE.
HIRINGS, FIRINGS.
WE'RE STILL SORTING THROUGH WHAT HISTORIANS WILL CALL THE
AFTER-MOOCH.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT AS CRAZY AS IT'S BEEN, AS
CRAZY AS IT'S BEEN, I BELIEVE ONE DAY WE'LL LOOK BACK AT THIS
WEEK AND LAUGH.
SO LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.
THIS IS THE BEST OF THIS WEEK'S "THE LATE SHOW."
>> ROBERT MUELLER HAS EMPANELLED A GRAND JURY IN HIS
INVESTIGATION OF RUSSIA AND THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN.
AND I'M GOING TO SAY SOMETHING RIGHT NOW-- NOBODY HAS EVER SAID
BEFORE, "GOD, I WISH I HAD JURY DUTY!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M AVAILABLE!
I'M AVAILABLE!
>> AS A CANDIDATE, I CAMPAIGNED ON CREATING A MERIT-BASED
IMMIGRATION SYSTEM THAT PROTECTS U.S. WORKERS AND TAXPAYERS, AND
THAT IS WHY WE ARE HERE TODAY, MERIT-BASED.
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, WHEREVER YOU TODAY, IT'S NOT
BASED ON MERIT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> FLAFT SIX MONTHS, I THINK
WE'RE ALL GETTING AN EDUCATION ABOUT THE PRESIDENCY.
I DON'T KNOW THAT I'VE EVER HEARD POPULAR DISCOURSE PEOPLE
DISCUSSING ETHICS THIS MUCH.
AND I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE HOW ETHICS WAS NECESSARILY SUPPOSED
TO WORK AT THAT LEVEL OF GOVERNMENT.
AND HE'S PUTTING ALL THIS STUFF ON THE FOREFRONT.
>> Stephen: WELL, NOBODY REALLY TALKS ABOUT OXYGEN UNTIL
SOMEBODY HAS THEIR HANDS AROUND YOUR THROAT.
>> A PRANKSTER TRICKED WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS INTO REPLYING TO
HIS EMAILS.
HE MUST HAVE USED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DONALD, YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES.
IT'S LIKE BEING A PARENT.
YOU HAVE TO LOVE ALL THE STATES EQUALLY.
EVEN IF ONE OF THEM IS ERIC.
( LAUGHTER ) RIGHT BACKSTAGE, RIGHT BEFORE
THE SHOW STARTED, WE CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
WE HAVE NEVER MET BEFORE.
THIS IS IT TONIGHT.
>> I KNOW.
>> Stephen: AND I'VE BEEN A FAN OF YOURS FOREVER.
>> I HAVE BEEN A FAN OF YOURS SINCE 1994 WHEN YOU WERE STEFAN
COLBERT.
>> I COULD NOT BOOK A COMMERCIAL TO SAVE MY LIFE.
>> Stephen: IF YOU CAN'T BOOK A COMMERCIAL HOW WILL YOU EVER
WORK?
>> EXACTLY.
THAT'S A STEPPING STONE.
I CAN'T GET A CORN POPS COMMERCIAL.
I WANTED THAT CORN POPS COMMERCIAL YOU.
>> Stephen: COULDN'T GET THE CORN POPS COMMERCIAL.
>> OH, MAN.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS THE COPY?
DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SAY?
>> GOTTA HAVE MY POPS.
>> THE MOOCH IS OUT.
>> ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI, GONE AFTER JUST A WEEK AND CHANGE ON
THE JOB.
THE MOOCH IS TOAST.
>> Stephen: YES, THE MOOCH IS TOAST.
THE FRONT-STABBER HAS BEEN BACKSTABBED.
HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO FIRE EVERYBODY, AND I GOTTA ADMIT, HE
DELIVERED.
( APPLAUSE ) THAT IS THOROUGH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT IS-- THAT IS THOROUGH.
AFTER BEING FIRED, SCARAMUCCI ATE AT TRUMP'S HOTEL.
WOW!
OUCH!
I CAN'T BELIEVE BE THE MOOCH HAD TO EAT TRUMP'S CRAP TWICE IN ONE
DAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I KNOW THAT YOU'RE-- YOUR
SISTERS, MARY KATE AND ASHLEY, HAVE A FAMOUS BRAND.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND YOU SAID YOU'RE READY TO SELL OUT.
>> YES, THOSE WERE MY EXACT WORDS.
I WAS LIKE, "I'M SELLING OUT, GUYS.
I'LL SELL ANYTHING AND ON THE MARKET."
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE HEARD ABOUT FIT TEAS RIGHT.
YOU DRINK TEA AND YOU'RE FIT.
WE HAVE NEW, IT'S A FIT MALT LIQUOR.
>> WAIT, THAT'S THE BEST -- >> Stephen: YES.
THIS IS 40 OUNCES OF FITNESS.
IT'S A FIT MALT LIQUOR, CALLED F-IT.
>> THIS NOTION THAT THEY HAVE TO LEARN ENGLISH BEFORE THEY GET TO
THE UNITED STATES?
ARE WE JUST GOING TO BRING IN PEOPLE FROM GREAT BRITAIN AND
AUSTRALIA.
>> THIS IS AN AMAZING MOMENT THAT YOU THINK ONLY PEOPLE FROM
GREAT BRITAIN AND AUSTRALIA SPEAK ENGLISH.
IT'S SO INSULTING TO PEOPLE SPEAK ENGLISH FROM ALL OVER THE
WORLD.
THIS SHOWS YOUR COSMOPOLITAN BIAS.
>> IN THIS WEEK'S "COSMOPOLITAN BIAS" 60 WAYS TO DRIVE JIM
ACOSTA WILD.
DRIVE HIM WILD.

One Week Older, The Fall of Scaramucci

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