Robert Mueller Brings in a Grand Jury, Tom Brady Turns 40

-Let's get to the news.
According to the "Wall Street Journal,"
Special Counsel Robert Mueller has empanelled a grand jury
for the Russia investigation which will make it easier
for him to subpoena records, get sworn witness testimony,
and issue indictments.
Said one guy, "Great, what else do you need?
Printer paper, calculator?
Help me help you."
[ Laughter ]
[ Scattered applause ]
-According to the "Associated Press,"
President Trump will take a 17-day vacation
starting tomorrow at his golf club in New Jersey.
17 days in New Jersey doesn't sound like a vacation.
[ Laughter ]
It sounds like an episode of "I Survived."
[ Laughter ]
That's more days than Chris Christie
has spent in New Jersey.
[ Cheers and applause ]
For real...
[ Applause ]
For real, I'm pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey,
you become an honorary member of the E Street Band.
[ Laughter ]
Mr. President, I seriously think you need some vacation tips,
and I know just the guy.
That's how you do it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
According to the "Hollywood Reporter,"
President Trump was being considered for the role
of President in the 2015 TV movie, "Sharknado 3,"
and was upset when the job was given to someone else,
and then even more upset when he found out who got it.
[ Light laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ As Trump ] "But I won the popular vote
in "Sharknado" world.
[ Laughter ]
It's very important. In "Sharknado" world,
popular is even more impressive."
[ Light laughter ]
According to "Politico," former Press Secretary Sean Spicer,
who tendered his resignation last month,
gave his family a tour of the White House
earlier this week.
He even showed them all his favorite hiding spots.
[ Laughter ]
And this is where --
This is where Daddy would go when he was hiding
from the press.
[ Applause ]
When Daddy didn't want to have to answer for a liar,
he'd come over and hide here.
[ Light laughter ]
According to the "New York Times,"
President Trump is considering appointing a new
national security adviser,
just as soon as it gets a security clearance.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ As Trump] "I swear, if he tells me
to ask again later one more time, he's out.
[ Laughter ]
I'm going to Scaramucci that ball."
[ Laughter ]
New York City's Health Department today
officially opened five public lactation pods for nursing moms.
Coincidentally, lactation pods is what Mike Pence
calls breasts.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Police in Louisiana arrested a driver after they discovered
two pounds of marijuana hidden in Honey Nut Cheerios
and Captain Crunch cereal boxes in his car.
Wow, since I was a kid,
cereal box prizes have gotten way cooler.
[ Light laughter ]
[ Applause ]
New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady,
turned 40 today.
He tried to blow out his candles, but as usual,
didn't use enough air.
[ Groans and applause ]
You know, from two years ago.
[ Laughter ]
He's got a great life.
[ Light laughter ]
And finally, a spa-themed amusement park has opened
in Japan, which includes a hot tub merry-go-round.
"Oh, I can't wait to get in there,"
said bacteria.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight.

Robert Mueller Brings in a Grand Jury, Tom Brady Turns 40 - Monologue

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