Thank You Notes: Vladimir Putin on Vacation, Lobsters

-I knew it was Friday
'cause that's usually when I catch up on some personal stuff.
I check my inbox. I return some e-mails.
-Sure. -And, of course...
[ Light laughter ]
-Anything in your inbox?
-Then I also -- I just -- Yeah.
Just cleared my inbox. -You cleared it?
-And then I write out my thank you notes.
I usually write them out on Friday.
-Really?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Can I write out my thank you notes now?
Is that cool? Can I write them out?
[ Chuckles ]
James, can I get some thank you note writing music, please?
[ Somber piano music plays ] -Oh.
-Ah! There he is. Look at that.
-There he is. -He's a stud, yeah.
Thank you, James. I appreciate it.
Thank you.
♪♪♪♪
Thank you, pictures of Vladimir Putin on vacation...
[ Laughter ]
...for being the political version
of trying to make your ex jealous on Instagram.
He's like [Russian accent] "Yeah, look at me.
Look at -- Look at what you're missing out on.
Look at me! Look at how cool I am!
Look my glasses!"
[ Normal voice ] He turned into Schwarzenegger
for a second, but...
[ Light laughter ]
♪♪♪♪
Thank you, new post-White House photos of Sean Spicer...
[ Laughter ]
...for looking like the after footage
from a Prozac commercial.
It's like, "Oh, he looks happy."
He's so happy. -Yeah.
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ]
♪♪♪♪
-Thank you, "Sharknado 5: Global Swarming,"
for giving celebrities something to do
when "Dancing with the Stars" says no.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Huh? Yeah, I'll do it!"
♪♪♪♪
-Thank you, "The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature"...
[ Laughter ]
...for hitting both theaters and the news this week.
Oh, there you go. -Hey!
Ho!
Hey!
-♪♪ Hip-hop, hooray ♪♪
♪♪ Oh ♪♪
[ Light laughter ]
♪♪ Hip-hop, hooray ♪♪
[ Chuckles ]
♪♪♪♪
-Thank you, being looped in on a long e-mail chain,
for making me feel like a detective
trying to solve what the hell this e-mail's actually about.
You're like, "What the heck?
Oh, okay."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪♪
Thank you, Disney,
for pulling your movies from Netflix
and launching your own streaming service instead,
which explains why "Frozen" is now called "Disney & Chill."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Ho! Come on.
♪♪♪♪
Nice.
Topical.
-♪♪ I give props to hip-hop ♪♪
[ Light laughter ]
♪♪♪♪
-Thank you, White House staffer
who called Trump a two-minute man,
because he only has the patience to read half a page.
Or as guys everywhere put it,
"Yes, that is why I am also called
a two-minute man, as well."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Doink!
-Read a half a page.
-[ Laughs ]
♪♪♪♪
-Thank you, the White House,
for fixing the air conditioning in the West Wing.
Then one guy was like,
"It was definitely a lot cooler when I was there."
-Oh! Ho!
[ Blues music plays ]
[ Applause ]
[ Music ends ]
-Wow! [ Imitates glass shattering ]
That was a seven-string bass.
[ Light laughter ]
-[ Chuckles ] This one's good.
I mean, it's not written yet, but when I think of it...
[ Laughter ]
I'm thinking about something I'm about to write down.
-Oh, okay. What are you going to write?
Who are you going to thank now?
[ Somber piano music plays ]
-Thank you, lobsters,
for always looking like you're flashing gang signs.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah!
-There you have it! Those are my thank you notes!

Thank You Notes: Vladimir Putin on Vacation, Lobsters

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