Arby's Limited-Edition Milkshake, Woman Marries Herself

-Let´s get to the news.
White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders
today said there isn´t anything to clarify
about President Trump´s position
on NFL players kneeling during the national anthem
because the issue is "pretty black-and-white."
And then she winked so hard, her podium fell over.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price
apologized this afternoon
for flying on taxpayer-funded private jets,
though there was probably a more cost-efficient way to apologize.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Democrats are reportedly hopeful that controversial judge
Roy Moore´s republican primary victory in Alabama
may boost their chances
for a competitive Senate race in the state.
In a related story, Wile E. Coyote says
he really feels like he has a shot this time.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Police discovered over 3,000 pounds of marijuana
in a car in Colorado...
after the owner admitted,
"It´s just a little. I can throw it out."
[ Laughter ]
And to be fair, it is only one day´s worth for him.
[ Cheers and applause ]
"This is my Tuesday weed."
Donald Trump Jr. reportedly
went moose hunting in Canada recently.
And by the looks of his hair, he found some.
[ Laughter ]
New York´s MTA announced yesterday
that they will install digital screens in subway cars
to display ads...
which could backfire.
[ Laughter ]
Fast-food chain Arby´s is serving
a limited-edition cookie butter milkshake.
And any customers who order it will also be limited edition.
"Cause of death -- cookie butter milkshake."
A woman in Italy recently married herself
at a ceremony that included a three-layer wedding cake,
bridesmaids, and 70 guests.
Did I say guests? I meant cats.
70 cats.
[ Applause ]
A new study found
that the sound of a cork popping from a wine bottle
makes people think their wine tastes better
than wine poured from a screw cap.
The test was conducted over and over and over again
by one woman.
[ Laughter ]
"It tastes better."
And finally, a museum dedicated
to fashion designer Yves Saint Laurent
opened today in Paris,
and a pretty good knockoff will open tomorrow in Chinatown.
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Arby's Limited-Edition Milkshake, Woman Marries Herself - Monologue

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