Dennis Rodman Offers to Help with North Korea, Super Mario's New Job

-Well, here's what everybody's talking about, you guys.
Some good news out of Washington, you guys.
Today, President Trump announced a new plan
to fund the government for the next three months.
That's right -- Trump's going to pay his taxes.
-Ohh! Hey-oh! -Yeah, it's a good idea.
It's a good idea. I think it's going to work.
[ Chuckles ] It's so crazy. Did you see this today?
Dennis Rodman offered to straighten things out
between Trump and Kim Jong-un.
[ Laughter ]
People were like, "I can't believe I'm saying this,
but let's give it a shot.
I mean, I think -- How weird can it get?
I mean, let's just do it."
[ Applause ]
Meanwhile, Disney's CEO, Bob Iger,
spoke out against Trump's decision
to end the DACA immigration program,
calling it cruel and misguided.
And so to get back at Disney,
Trump deported all the singing dolls
from It's a Small World.
They're just -- They're gone. You just take a boat --
You just ride a boat through the whole thing.
Actually, I read that some White House officials
don't think Trump understands what ending DACA really means.
In response, Trump said, "I know,
but why don't you tell me so I know that you know?
[ Laughter ]
What does it mean?"
[ Applause ]
Oh, and former press secretary Sean Spicer
will give his first paid speech this month
here in New York City.
They're saying you should get tickets now
because there's only all of them left, so...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Well, people are still excited about the news
that Prince William and Kate Middleton
are expecting their third child, and for more --
[ Cheers and applause ]
For more royal-baby news, we now go to our annoying
British correspondent, Nigel Duffy.
Thank you for being here, Nigel.
-[ British accent ] Yeah!
Very good! Yes!
Yes, thank you, Jimmy.
My delicate bones are quivering with delight
to talk about my very favorite thing, the royal family!
[ Laughter ]
-Nigel, what can you tell us about the third royal baby?
-Mm-hmm, yes, everyone is speculating
over whether the third royal baby will be a boy or a girl!
Some believe it will be a boy,
while others think it will be a girl!
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, those are the only two options there, so...
-Yes, very good!
[ Laughter ]
-Okay, what else can you tell us, Nigel?
-Mm-hmm, very good, yes, everyone is speculating
that if it is a boy, it will grow up to be a man!
But if it is a girl, it will grow up to be a woman!
-Yes. That's right. That is -- That's called growing.
-Indeed!
[ Laughter ]
-[ Laughs ]
What else, Nigel? Anything?
-Mm-hmm, there we are. Yes, attaboy, yes.
Everyone is speculating over how big
the baby will be when it is born!
Some believe it will be 18 inches,
while others believe it will be 19 inches!
And yet some believe it will be 20 inches!
While others believe it will be 18 or even 19 inches --
-All right, Nigel, please! We get it. We get it.
Thank you, Nigel. Very good. -Mm-hmm, yes, very good.
Attaboy, yes, very good, yes, there we are.
Mm-hmm, yes, here we go, yes, attaboy, yes,
there we are, yes, very good, yes, mm-hmm.
[ Laughter ]
-Nigel, why are you doing that?
-I'm sorry, Jimmy. This is how I breathe!
-There you go. Annoying British correspondent
Nigel Duffy, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Ahh. -You guys, check this out.
I saw that Starbucks has started selling a new sushi burrito.
[ Audience groans ]
When asked how much it costs, Starbucks said,
"Don't worry; you'll pay for it later."
[ Applause ]
It comes with a key to the bathroom.
This is very interesting here.
According to Nintendo's newest official profile for Mario,
he isn't actually a plumber anymore.
Yeah, I was just playing some "Super Mario" the other day,
and I think I noticed that he got a new job.
Take a look at this.
♪♪
Yeah, he's an Uber driver.
[ Tires screech ]
[ Applause ]
This is kind of funny.
A man in California got stuck inside his apartment
after a UPS driver wedged a package under his doorknob.
[ Laughter ]
Luckily, he was set free when a FedEx driver
threw a package at the door and knocked it loose.
[ Applause ]
That's right -- a guy got stuck in his apartment
after a UPS guy stuck a package against his door.
I guess none of his neighbors came to help him
when they heard him shouting, "Help! My package is stuck!"
We have a great show tonight. Give it up for The Roots!
Tig Notaro Tries Her Comedic Party Bits on Sarah Paulson and Jimmy Sarah Paulson Gets in a Dig on Jimmy While Explaining American Horror Story Wheel of Impressions with Sarah Paulson Jimmy Gives an Update on His Finger Injury How I Wrote That Song: Luis Fonsi "Despacito" GE Fallonventions: Rake Hands 5000, TiC (Tongue-Interface-Communication), Jumper's Helper 70 People Ages 5-75 Answer: What Was the Happiest Day of Your Life? | Glamour Henry Kissinger - Resolving the North Korea crisis, the U S — Charlie Rose 10 Celebs Who Gave Up Fame To Work Normal Jobs How Many Americans Know Where North Korea Is?

Dennis Rodman Offers to Help with North Korea, Super Mario's New Job - Monologue

Latest Posts