Puerto Rico, North Korea And The World's Most Powerful Toddler

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.
JON BATISTE AND BAN "STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JON, SPEAK OF THE BAND, CHANCE
THE RAPPER IS GOING TO BE HERE AND HE'S GOING TO DO A
NEVER-BEFORE RELEASED NEVER-HEARD ORIGINAL SONG WITH
DANIEL CAESAR OUT HERE, AND I HAVE A FEELING THIS AUDIENCE IS
REALLY GOING TO LOVE IT.
>> YEAH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: BEFORE WE START, I
JUST WANT TO GIVE OUR AUDIENCE AND OUR ELECTED OFFICIALS A
FRIENDLY AND PATRIOTIC REMINDER THAT EVERYONE IN PUERTO RICO IS
AN AMERICAN CITIZEN WHO NEEDS OUR HELP JUST AS MUCH AS THE
PEOPLE IN TEXAS AND FLORIDA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: 100% OF THAT ISLAND IS WITHOUT POWER RIGHT
NOW.
HOSPITALS ARE CLOSE TO COLLAPSING.
THEY SAY IT COULD TAKE 30 YEARS TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE.
COULD TAKE SIX MONTHS TO GET THE POWER BACK ON.
SO GO TO COLBERTLATESHOW.COM FOR INFORMATION ON WHERE YOU CAN
DONATE.
IN LIGHTER NEWS -- WE MAY BE HEADED TO THERMONUCLEAR WAR.
IN FACT, TODAY THEIR FOREIGN MINISTER CLAIMED THAT THE UNITED
STATES HAD FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES DECLARED WAR AND THAT
NORTH KOREA MIGHT START SHOOTING DOWN OUR PLANES.
HERE'S HOW WE GOT HERE.
ON NOVEMBER 8TH, DONALD TRUMP WAS ELECTED.
TWITTER, TWITTER, TWITTER, FOX AND FRIENDS.
SEE, THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN EXCHANGING INSULTS WITH NORTH
KOREAN DICTATOR AND MAN WHO, I ASSUME, HAD HIS BARBER EXECUTED,
KIM JONG UN.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, HE'S A TERRIBLE PERSON, KIM
JONG UN.
FIRST, TRUMP CALLED KIM "ROCKET MAN," SO THE NORTH KOREAN CALLED
OUR PRESIDENT A "DOTARD."
HERE'S THE THING -- SENIOR AIDES TO PRESIDENT TRUMP
REPEATEDLY WARNED HIM NOT TO DELIVER A PERSONAL ATTACK ON
NORTH KOREA'S LEADER.
YOU FOOLS!
YOU KNOW IF YOU TELL HIM TO DO SOMETHING, HE'S GOING TO DO THE
EXACT OPPOSITE.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL
TODDLER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THAT'S WHY THE NUCLEAR BUTTON
HAS A CHILD SAFETY CAP.
( LAUGHTER ) AIDES WARNED TRUMP THAT THE
C.I.A.'S PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE OF KIM SAYS HE "HAS A MASSIVE
EGO AND REACTS HARSHLY AND SOMETIMES LETHALLY TO INSULTS
AND PERCEIVED SLIGHTS."
APPARENTLY, THE C.I.A. KNOWS WHAT IT'S TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE
ON SATURDAY NORTH KOREA'S FOREIGN MINISTER TOLD THE U.N.
THAT TRUMP HAD MADE AN "IRREVERSIBLE MISTAKE, OF MAKING
OUR ROCKETS VISITING THE ENTIRE U.S. MAINLAND INEVITABLE."
OKAY, KINDA SCARY BUT, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, "INEVITABLE"
DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
ASK HILLARY CLINTON.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) WHAT?
YOU THINK I'M HAPPY ABOUT THAT?
( LAUGHTER ) SO, FACED WITH THE THREAT OF
NUCLEAR MISSILES AIMED AT THE U.S. MAINLAND BY A MADMAN,
DONALD TRUMP TOOK IMMEDIATE STEPS TO DEESCALATE.
JUST KIDDING, HE TWEETED: "JUST HEARD FOREIGN MINISTER OF
NORTH KOREA SPEAK AT U.N. IF HE ECHOES THOUGHTS OF LITTLE ROCKET
MAN, THEY WON'T BE AROUND MUCH LONGER!"
FOLKS, THAT IS A SERIOUS INSULT.
"LITTLE ROCKET MAN" IS WHAT TRUMP CALLS HISPEEPENIS.
WE HAVE A BIG NIGHT AHEAD OF US, "LITTLE ROCKET MAN"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: BACK WITH STERLING BROWN!
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Puerto Rico, North Korea And The World's Most Powerful Toddler

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