Stephen Colbert Becomes Steven Seagal

>> Stephen: NOW -- OH, THERE'S BIG NEWS OUT OF THE
TWEET-O-SPHERE THIS WEEK BECAUSE, DID YOU HEAR?
"TWITTER JUST DOUBLED THE CHARACTER LIMIT FOR TWEETS TO
280."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THEY HAVE TO BECAUSE,
AS SHAKESPEARE SO FAMOUSLY SAID, "BREVITY IS THE SOUL OF WIT, BUT
I GOT ALL THESE EXTRA CHARACTERS TO FILL!
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
HASHTAG I'M REALLY CHRISTOPHER MARLOWE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
AND LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD, THIS IS ABOUT MONEY.
SEE, TWITTER'S BEEN AROUND FOR 11 YEARS, BUT THE COMPANY HAS
NEVER TURNED A PROFIT.
BUT NOW IT'S FIXED.
IF 140 CHARACTERS EARNED YOU ZERO DOLLARS, THEN 280
CHARACTERS WILL DOUBLE THAT!
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S JUST MATH.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: BUT HERE'S THE THING --
TWITTER IS DOING A SLOW ROLLOUT OF THIS NEW INCREASED CHARACTER
LIMIT WITH A SELECT GROUP OF USERS, AND DONALD TRUMP ISN'T IN
THE TEST GROUP.
( LAUGHTER ) OH!
OH, NO!
>> Jon: HE'S ON THERE ALL THE TIME!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT IS A HUGE
DISS!
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S OUR FOREIGN POLICY!
>> Jon: THAT'S THE WHOLE THING.
>> Stephen: THAT'S HIS WHOLE THING.
TRUMP AND TWITTER GO TOGETHER LIKE NAZIS AND TIKI TORCHES.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I THINK IT'S FOR THE BEST.
IF TRUMP HAD MORE THAN 140 CHARACTERS, HE COULD FIT HIS
MESSAGE INTO ONE TWEET, AND THEN I'D MISS THE "DOT, DOT, DOT;
DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT."
THOSE ARE THE ONLY PARTS THAT AREN'T LIES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
LIES.
LIES!
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: BUT THERE'S A LOT ON THE
PRESIDENT'S PLATE RIGHT NOW -- HIS NEW TAX PLAN, THE CRISIS IN
PUERTO RICO, THE THREAT OF NUCLEAR WAR WITH NORTH KOREA --
WHICH IS WHY HE'S STAYING FOCUSED ON FOOTBALL.
EVIDENTLY, EARLIER THIS WEEK, TRUMP CALLED DALLAS COWBOYS
OWNER, JERRY JONES, FOUR TIMES IN ONE DAY TO TALK ABOUT ANTHEM
STUFF.
"HEY, JERRY.
DON AGAIN.
SO WHAT DO YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT THE FLAG KNEELING?
OH, JOHN KELLY JUST WALKED IN.
UH, THAT'S RIGHT, PRESIDENT OF CHINA JACKIE CHAN.
THAT'S MY FINAL OFFER, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
ALOHA!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
I HAD TO READ HIM THE RIOT ACT.
( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP HAS CALLED ON THE OWNERS
TO FIRE PLAYERS THAT PROTEST, AND HE EXPLAINED WHY THAT MIGHT
BE HARDER THAN YOU THINK.
>> I HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS THAT ARE OWNERS.
THEY ARE IN A BOX.
I MEAN, I HAVE SPOKEN TO A COUPLE OF THEM.
THEY SAY, "WE ARE IN A SITUATION WHERE WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING."
I THINK THEY'RE AFRAID OF THEIR PLAYERS, YOU WANT TO KNOW THE
TRUTH.
>> STEPHEN: YES, N.F.L. OWNERS ARE AFRAID OF THEIR PLAYERS.
NEED PROOF?
LOOK AT THESE OWNERS.
HE'S TERRIFIED.
( LAUGHTER ) THE GUY NEXT TO HIM HAS GOT
GLOVES; HE'S GOING TO STRANGLE HIM.
AND LOOK, THIS GUY'S PRAYING FOR HIS LIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST ABOUT EVERYONE YOU CAN
THINK OF IS WEIGHING IN ON THE N.F.L. DEBATE, AND, YESTERDAY,
SOMEONE WHO YOU NEVER THINK OF DID AS WELL:
'90S ACTION STAR AND JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME'S WATERBED, STEVEN
SEAGAL.
( LAUGHTER ) SEAGAL SHOWED UP ON A BRITISH
MORNING TALK SHOW TO DISCUSS THE MATTER.
>> I BELIEVE THAT EVERYONE'S ENTITLED TO THEIR OWN OPINION,
BUT I DON'T AGREE THAT THEY SHOULD HOLD THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA OR THE WORLD HOSTAGE BY TAKING A VENUE WHERE PEOPLE ARE
TUNING IN TO WATCH A FOOTBALL GAME AND, YOU KNOW, IMPOSING
THEIR POLITICAL VIEWS.
I RESPECT THE AMERICAN FLAG, AND I MYSELF HAVE RISKED MY LIFE
COUNTLESS TIMES FOR THE AMERICAN FLAG.
>> STEPHEN: YES!
"RISKED HIS LIFE COUNTLESS TIMES FOR THE AMERICAN FLAG."
AND SURE, NONE OF THAT WAS REAL, BUT THEN AGAIN, NEITHER IS
HIS HAIR.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW, I THINK THERE'S MORE
STEVEN SEAGAL COULD HAVE SAID ON THIS ISSUE, AND I INTEND TO DO
IT, RIGHT NOW.
>> Jon: WHOO!
GET IT TOGETHER.
OH, SNAP!
OH, WOW!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THESE FOOTBALL PLAYERS HAVE THE
FANS "UNDER SIEGE."
THEY MAY THINK THEY'RE "ABOVE THE LAW," BUT THEY MAY SOON FIND
THEMSELVES "ON DEADLY GROUND."
THEY'LL FIND MOST AMERICANS ARE "OUT FOR JUSTICE," BECAUSE
THEY'RE FEELING "UNDER SIEGE 2," --
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NO!
BECAUSE THEY'RE FEELING "UNDER SIEGE 2,"
THE SEQUEL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IF THESE PROTESTORS DON'T
LIKE THIS COUNTRY, THEY CAN FEEL FREE TO CHALLENGE ME TO "MORTAL
KOMBAT."
WAIT, WAS I IN THAT?
FIND OUT IF I WAS IN THAT.
ONE THING'S FOR SURE, YOU MESS WITH STEVEN SEAGAL, YOU'RE NOT
ONLY GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL, YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO DVD.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
Trump's NFL Comments Have Everything To Do With Race 'How To Be A Russian Oligarch' With Billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov Amazing Experiments with Science Bob Pflugfelder Stephen Watched Trump's Ivanka Comments So You Don't Have To (Vomit) Andy Serkis Becomes Gollum To Read Trump's Tweets Celebrities! Tweet Your #PuberMe For Puerto Rico Relief Hey Kim Jong-Un: Making Fun Of Trump Is America's Thing Ashton Kutcher Examines President Trump's Tweeting Style So Here We Are: Donald Trump Is Officially The President Stephen Colbert Monologue 9/28/2017 - Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert Becomes Steven Seagal

Latest Posts