Trump's 250th Day in Office, Man Tries Smuggling Gold in His Rectum

-Let´s get to the news.
Today was President Trump´s 250th day in office.
Or as he put it, [ As Trump ] "Longer than any
President in history.
[ Laughter ]
We set a new record today."
[ Normal voice ] Senate Republicans announced
today they will not hold a vote on the Graham-Cassidy Bill
to repeal and replace Obamacare,
after they were unable to secure enough support.
But Republicans plan to come back with a new plan,
where they just slash the tires on all the ambulances.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Going to give it one more try.
We think this is the plan.
President Trump said today that getting relief efforts
to Puerto Rico after the devastation caused
by Hurricane Maria is tough because it´s an island.
And then, proving he just learned it, yelled,
[ As Trump ] "But Rhode Island isn´t!
[ Laughter ]
Makes you think."
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Normal voice ] After President Trump
called for pro athletes to be fired if they didn´t stand
for the national anthem, Nike released a statement
yesterday in support of athletes and their right
to freedom of expression.
Then they introduced a new line of $400 kneeling shoes.
[ Laughter ]
President Trump has tweeted over twice as much about
the NFL in the last 24 hours
as he has about the hurricane relief crisis in Puerto Rico.
It got so bad, he started to cover both in the same tweet.
[ Laughter ]
According to Politico, House Democrats are launching
a probe of White House Senior Adviser, Jared Kushner,
after he used a private e-mail account for work purposes.
Let´s take a quick look at Hillary Clinton´s reaction
to his news.
[ Crumbling sounds ]
[ Laughter ]
She´ll be fine.
[ Cheers and applause ]
During a campaign event last night in Alabama,
Senate hopeful, Roy Moore,
appeared on stage in a cowboy hat and vest
and brandished a pistol.
Look at the size of that gun!
Is he compensating for a huge penis?
[ Laughter ]
A new poll has found that 84% of likely voters
in New Jersey want their Senator, Robert Menendez,
to step down if found guilty on charges of bribery.
But he´s willing to step down right now
if they make it worth his while.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Four hikers were rescued from England´s highest mountain
this weekend after they smoked too much marijuana
to travel back themselves.
[ Laughter ]
Even crazier, this is England´s highest mountain.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ English accent ] "It´s a bit -- it´s a bit steep.
[ Applause ]
It´s a bit too steep, and somewhat cold.
[ Laughter ]
Call the police."
A Sri Lanka man has been arrested for trying to smuggle
$29,000 worth of gold and jewelry inside his rectum.
His lawyer says he´ll walk, but his doctor is not so sure.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Bravo!
To gold in your rectum!
[ Cheers and applause ]
May you all have it!
Spacex CEO Elon Musk this Friday will unveil updates to his plans
to colonize Mars.
"But when do we leave," asked one woman.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally, a clerk at an Ohio gas station
was recently hit in the face with a Slushie
after telling a customer he could not use his food stamps
to buy gas, which is not true.
[ Laughter ]
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Trump's 250th Day in Office, Man Tries Smuggling Gold in His Rectum - Monologue

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