I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
HOUSE OF YOUR WEEKEND?
WAS IT OKAY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HERE'S MINE: OKAY, I WATCHED
THE NEWS AND THEN, TO CHEER UP, I
WATCHED KEN BURNS' "VIETNAM."
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: SLIGHTLY LESS DIVISIVE TIME IN OUR NATION'S
HISTORY.
BECAUSE EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP AND THE
N.F.L.
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME RACIAL TENSION?
( CHEERING ) FOR THE LAST YEAR, SOME PLAYERS
HAVE BEEN KNEELING DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM TO PROTEST
INSTITUTIONAL RACISM.
IT STARTED WITH THEN-49'ERS QUARTERBACK COLIN KAEPERNICK.
IT WAS A CONTROVERSIAL PROTEST.
AFTER ALL, THE SINGING OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS A SACRED
TIME WHEN RED-BLOODED AMERICANS STAND UP, AND RUN TO THE
BATHROOM BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN THE LINE IS SHORTEST.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
MAYBE GET SOME PRETZEL KNOTS OR SOMETHING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
WELL, ON FRIDAY, TRUMP ADDRESSED THE FOOTBALL CONTROVERSY.
>> WOULDN'T YOU LOVE TO SEE ONE OF THESE N.F.L. OWNERS, WHEN
SOMEBODY DISRESPECTS OUR FLAG, TO SAY GET THAT SON OF A BITCH
OFF THE FIELD RIGHT NOW, OUT, HE'S FIRED?
FIRED!
>> STEPHEN: WOW.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) "SON OF A BITCH."
THAT WAS UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS.
THERE SHOULD BE A FLAG ON THAT PLAY.
I'M GOING TO SAY A CONFEDERATE FLAG.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THE BLOWBACK WAS IMMEDIATE.
COLIN KAEPERNICK'S MOM, WHO, AFTER SEEING THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES CALL HER CHILD A SON OF A BITCH, TWEETED,
"GUESS THAT MAKES ME ONE PROUD BITCH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOW!
YEAH!
YEAH!
MOMS!
MOMS!
COLIN'S MOM IS THE COOLEST MOM IN SPORTS!
AFTER THAT, SHE TOOK THE WHOLE TEAM TO DAIRY QUEEN AND MADE IT
RAIN ORANGE SLICES!
WHOO!
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
PLUS, 28 NFL TEAMS RELEASED STATEMENTS SUPPORTING THE
PLAYERS, AND YESTERDAY THE PROTESTS WENT FROM FEWER THAN 10
PLAYERS, TOTAL, TO IN EXCESS OF 250.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 250.
GREAT NEWS FOR ANYONE IN A FANTASY RACIAL JUSTICE LEAGUE.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE WERE ALL KINDS OF
DEMONSTRATIONS: PLAYERS STANDING IN SOLIDARITY WITH THEIR
TEAMMATES, SITTING, KNEELING AND LOCKING ARMS WITH OLD-TIMEY
CARNIVAL BARKERS.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP ACTUALLY APPROVED OF THAT
LAST ONE, TWEETING, "GREAT SOLIDARITY FOR OUR NATIONAL
ANTHEM AND FOR OUR COUNTRY.
STANDING WITH LOCKED ARMS IS GOOD, KNEELING IS NOT
ACCEPTABLE.
BAD RATINGS!" ( LAUGHTER )
FIRST OF ALL, LOCKING ARMS DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE ON YOUR
SITE AND, SECOND, RATINGS AREN'T THE ONLY END KARAT OF
IMPORTANCE.
I HEAR NOBODY TUNED IN FOR THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THEIR AD CAMPAIGN WAS
ONE GUY ON A HORSE.
>> Jon: YOU.
>> Stephen: NOT GOOD MARKETING.
>> Jon: TERRIBLE MARKETING.
>> Stephen: AND TODAY, DONALD TRUMP WAS STILL TWEETING.
"THE ISSUE OF KNEELING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE.
WRONG.
KNEELING DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH
RACE.
JUST LIKE YOUR PRESIDENCY.
LIFE LIFE ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HEY!
MAE!
>> Stephen: THOSE PLAYERS ARE PROTESTING RACIAL INJUST.
THEY'RE NOT PROTESTING THE AMERICAN FLAG.
SAYING THAT KNEELING IS A PROTEST AGAINST THE FLAG IS LIKE
SAYING GANDHI'S HUNGER STRIKES WERE A PROTEST AGAINST MIDDAY
SNACKS.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU DO REALIZE THAT CIVIL RIGHTS
ACTIVISTS WEREN'T SITTING IN AT THE LUNCH COUNTERS FOR BETTER
GRILLED CHEESE.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP CONTINUED: "IT IS ABOUT
RESPECT FOR OUR COUNTRY, FLAG AND NATIONAL ANTHEM.
N.F.L. MUST RESPECT THIS!" YES, THERE ARE RULES WHEN IT
COMES TO THE FLAG.
THERE ARE ACTUALLY WRITTEN RULES.
FOR INSTANCE, DON'T USE IT TO SELL MERCHANDISE, LIKE THIS
TRUMP PENCE T-SHIRT, ONLY $35.
ALSO, DON'T HUG IT.
THAT'S JUST WEIRD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: AND IT DIDN'T LOOK CONSENSUAL, FRANKLY.
ASK.
YOU'VE GOT TO ASK THE FLAG.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
NEVER STOPPED 'EM IN THE PAST.
YESTERDAY MORNING, THE SUNDAY'S SHOWS WERE BLITZED BY TRUMP'S
DEFENDERS LIKE TREASURY SECRETARY STEVE MNUCHIN.
>> IT'S NOT ABOUT RACE, IT'S NOT ABOUT FREE SPEECH.
THEY CAN DO FREE SPEECH ON THEIR OWN TIME.
( STEPHEN MIMICKING ) >> Stephen: I ACTUALLY FIND IT
UPSETTING HOW EASY IT IS FOR ME TO DO AN IMPRESSION OF HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT GOOD.
GOT TO MOISTURIZE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU CAN DO FREE SPEECH ON YOUR
OWN TIME, OKAY?
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THE CONSTITUTION'S NOT AN ALL-THE-TIME THING!
YOU'VE GOT TO READ THE FINE PRINT ON THE BILL OF RIGHTS.
"SOME RESTRICTIONS MAY APPLY."
"AVAILABLE ONLY AT PARTICIPATING LONG JOHN SILVER'S."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) TRUMP ALSO COMPLAINED THAT THE
FOOTBALL ISN'T VIOLENT ENOUGH.
>> TODAY, IF YOU HIT TOO HARD, IF THEY HIT TOO HARD, 15 YARDS,
THROW HIM OUT OF THE GAME.
THEY HAVE THAT LAST WEEK.
I WATCHED FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES AND TWO GUYS JUST
REALLY BEAUTIFUL TACKLE.
BOOM.
15 YARDS.
THEY ARE RUINING THE GAME!
RIGHT?
THEY'RE ARE RUINING THE GAME.
>> STEPHEN: THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BRAIN DAMAGE.
LOOK HOW FAR I GOT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: HELLO, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: HE TRUMPED ON.
>> AND YOU KNOW WHAT, THE N.F.L.
RATINGS ARE DOWN, MASSIVELY.
MASSIVELY.
THE N.F.L. RATINGS ARE DOWN MASSIVELY.
NOW, THE NUMBER ONE REASON HAPPENS TO BE THAT THEY LIKE
WATCHING WHAT'S HAPPENING ON-- YOU KNOW, WITH YOURS TRULY.
>> Stephen: DID YOU CATCH THAT?
HE'S SAYING THAT FOOTBALL RATINGS ARE DOWN BECAUSE FANS
WOULD RATHER WATCH DONALD TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
THAT'S LIKE AN INVERTED TOM BRADY, TRUMP IS TRYING TO
INFLATE HIS OWN BALLS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, HO-HO!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: OF COURSE, THERE
IS ONE SPORT TRUMP STILL LOVES --
"SO PROUD OF NASCAR AND ITS SUPPORTERS AND FANS.
THEY WON'T PUT UP WITH DISRESPECTING OUR COUNTRY OR
OUR FLAG.
THEY SAID IT LOUD AND CLEAR!
WHAT HE'S REFERRING TO IS SOME NASCAR OWNERS THREATENED TO FIRE
ANY DRIVERS WHO KNEEL DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.
I DON'T KNOW WHY NASCAR IS RESPONDING DIFFERENTLY THAN THE
N.F.L.
MAYBE BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE AFRICAN AMERICAN DRIVER IN
NASCAR.
AND I'M SURPRISED HE CAN GET AROUND THE TRACK WITHOUT BEING
PULLED OVER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
WOW!
HE'S TRYING TO GET AROUND!
WHOO!
PULL OVER, SON.
I'M SO SORRY.
>> Stephen: REASONS AND REGISTRATION, PLEASE.
SIR, DO YOU KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING?
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR TAIL
LIGHTS?
THEY'RE JUST DECALS FOR MONSTER ENERGY.
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