Denis Leary Got Kicked Out of an Uber for Impersonating Kevin Bacon

-I want to say happy belated birthday, right?
-Yeah. -It was a big one this year.
-Yeah. -60?
-I turned 60.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Celebratory music plays ]
-You look great.
-Yeah, I look -- I guess I feel 40, you know?
-Yeah. -But I did --
I had -- I had my first senior moment.
The birthday went great. It was fantastic.
-That was all good. -Yeah, it was all good.
And I remember everything.
I´m doing great. [ Laughter ]
No, I really do. I´m telling you.
I remember every grudge.
I am telling you. [ Laughter ]
I remember every nun who hated me and told me
I wouldn´t become anything.
I remember every egg I threw at that convent
they lived in every Halloween.
-That is so Irish of you. -I don´t forget anything.
-Yeah, of course. -Yeah, I´m so Irish.
So -- [ Light laughter ]
So but, like, two weeks ago, I was sitting at home
and I´m watching the Bruins game --
Early season game -- and they have all these
new calls the refs are supposed to make now.
And they were calling the game really tight.
And within the first couple minutes, the Bruins get
a couple penalties and a couple of power-play goals get scored.
And I´m pissed. You know what I mean?
I´m sitting there like, "I can´t believe these refs.
They suck." So, I got to call my brother
´cause I know he´s watching the game.
He´s probably pissed, right?
But of course, I can´t remember my brother´s phone number
because we´re all such slaves to technology, rights?
So I´m like, now I gotta find my phone.
And I can´t find my phone.
So I´m like, "Where the hell did I put the phone?
Hmm!"
And now something else happens in the game and I´m like,
"I can´t believe these refs. They suck."
-Yeah. -So I start walking around
the apartment looking for the phone.
I forget that I´m looking for the phone,
I start making a sandwich, right?
[ Laughter ]
So, it gets better.
So, I´m making the sandwich and I´m thinking,
"Oh, man, this is going to be such a great sandwich."
And then the refs make another call!
And I´m like, "Oh, yeah, my phone, I got to find my phone."
So I grab the land line, and I´m going to call my phone.
And I dial it up.
And I go like this, and a fight breaks out
and I´m like, "Oh, my God. This is gonna be a great fight."
My phone rings, I pull it out of my pocket
and I go, "Can´t talk right now. Gotta call you back."
[ Laughter ]
-You called yourself.
That is so sad.
Oh, my gosh.
That is --
-Thank God I didn´t call myself back.
[ Laughter ]
-You called yourself. -Oh, my God.
And I was by myself, so I just laughed my ass off.
I was like, "Dude, I´m losing it."
-I love the book, "Why We Don´t Suck."
Now, I got to say, you´re a pretty famous guy.
-Yeah, I´ve been famous for 25 years now.
This is my -- What is that?
[ Cheers and applause ]
25 years. 1992 to now.
-Is that right? -I know.
-But, you write in this book about how you get mistaken
for other celebrities.
-Yes. -All the time.
-Because we have a -- a President who was a celebrity
before he got elected.
I think it was -- I thought it was important
to talk about fame.
So I wanted to finally put down on paper
a chart for people
so that they understand what happens to me.
Now listen, let me tell you something.
I´ve been saying this for 25 years, okay?
And I still remember the first day I was famous.
I was in an airport.
Yeah, I was famous from these MTV spots
and "No Cure for Cancer," and they all, like, blew up.
And I was walking in an airport,
and I could see people were walking by me and smiling
and nodding at me.
And I could see a couple people approaching with a camera
and some stuff to sign.
And I was like, "Oh, my God, I´m finally famous."
I´m all pumped up like, "This is so awesome, man."
And a guy walks up and he goes, "Hey, man, will you sign this?
And can we take a picture?" And I´m like, "Yeah."
Take a picture.
And I sign, you know, "All the best,"
and "Denis Leary."
And he looks at me and he goes, "What the hell´s that?"
So, I have pretty messy handwriting.
I thought he meant -- Like, I said, "Well,
that´s my name, Denis Leary."
He goes, "I thought you were Willem Dafoe."
[ Laughter ]
And he throws the picture -- the thing into the trash
and walks away. -No!
And I was like, "Hey, what the hell is this?"
-Yeah. -And from that moment on,
I have spent the bulk of my life
being recognized as various other people.
Mostly Dafoe, okay?
But here´s the list.
I put it down in the book. Here it is.
It´s in order of how I get recognized.
Willem Dafoe. Kevin Bacon.
[ Laughter ]
Bryan Adams. Bryan Adams.
-Oh, Bryan Adams. -Bryan Adams, okay?
Okay? Jon Bon Jovi.
-Really?
-Jane Lynch.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Ellen DeGeneres.
[ Laughter ]
-Really? -And Christopher Walken.
-There you go. That´s not bad.
No, but I´ll tell you something.
The great thing about it is, people love me
wherever they see me.
On the street, in the airport, people just love me
because they think I´m somebody else.
You know what I mean? -All those people
have great fans. -I know.
It´s amazing. It´s amazing.
-Do you ever answer as the person?
-I do. You know, I got to the point
where sometimes it´s just so difficult to explain who I am
when they think I´m somebody else.
And the worst one I ever did was this summer,
it was like 190 degrees in New York.
I was leaving the office, going home to the apartment.
It was only going to take me, like, you know, 15 minutes.
And I called an Uber driver, and I get in the car.
And maybe a block and he goes, "Hey, you."
And I go, "Yeah."
And he goes, "Footloose!"
[ Laughter ]
So, look, I don´t want to get into an argument.
I don´t want to make him Google Diego or "The Ref."
I´m like, "Yeah, yeah." I´m just going to roll with it.
And he goes, "Hey, my wife´s favorite movie,
´Footloose!´ We love you.
We love you. You do your own dance."
I go, "Yeah, I did all my own dancing.
Yeah, the whole time."
Another red light, he goes, "My wife on the phone.
My wife on the phone." So I get on the phone.
"I love you. I love you, Kevin Bacon.
But I love Kyra so much. Kyra -- Kyra, your wife.
She´s such a great actress.
Kyra this, Kyra that. Kyra, Kyra, Kyra."
And as fake Bacon, I´m starting to get jealous...
[ Laughter ]
...that my fake Mrs. Bacon
is all she wants to talk to me about.
She goes, "Oh, she win Golden Globe."
I go, "Well, you know, I won a Golden Globe too.
[ Laughter ]
I did a movie called ´Taking Chance´ about a soldier
bringing another soldier home.
I was pretty good in it." -You defended Kevin Bacon.
-Yeah, exactly. Which is a big mistake
because I could see -- I could tell the tone
in her voice. She´s like, "Okay,
give me back to my husband."
So I gave the phone back, I was like,
"I think that might come back to haunt me."
Right? And he´s talking to her really low for a couple minutes.
And now we´re riding along. I´m still Kevin Bacon
waiting for some more questions.
We get to a red light.
And he´s Googling, and he holds up the phone.
And it´s a picture of Kevin Bacon.
And he goes, "What the heck?"
[ Laughter ]
And I go, "No, no, no. Let me explain."
He goes, "Get out!
Get out of my Uber!" -He threw you out of the Uber?
-Yeah, I had to walk home.
-I got kicked out.
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Denis Leary Got Kicked Out of an Uber for Impersonating Kevin Bacon

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