FDA: You Can't List 'Love' Isn't An Ingredient

SPEAKING OF GRANOLA...
IS WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW.
THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION JUST TOLD A MASSACHUSETTS BAKERY
THAT THEY CANNOT LIST "LOVE" AS AN INGREDIENT IN THEIR GRANOLA.
YES, THEY HAVE TO CALL IT BY ITS SCIENTIFIC NAME: RAT POOP.
( LAUGHTER ) ALLEGEDLY.
THE COMPANY DEFENDED LISTING LOVE ON THEIR PACKAGING,
EXPLAINING "THE INGREDIENT WAS A NOD TO THE PASSION BAKERS PUT
INTO THEIR PRODUCT."
AH, YES, THE PASSIONS THAT RUN HIGH IN THE GRANOLA FACTORY.
WHO AMONG US HASN'T STOLEN A KISS OR TWO BEHIND THE
INDUSTRIAL OAT THRESHER?
BUT THE F.D.A. DISAGREES, SAYING "A HUMAN EMOTION CANNOT BE AN
INGREDIENT IN BAKED GOODS."
YES, THEY'RE TECHNICALLY RIGHT.
THEY'RE TECHNICALLY RIGHT.
THE EMOTIONS OF THE FACTORY WORKERS DON'T ACTUALLY GO INSIDE
THE PRODUCTS.
IF THEY DID, OUR iPHONES WOULD NEVER STOP SCREAMING.
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL BE HONEST.
I LOVE THEM.
I LOVE THEM I'LL BE HONEST.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S IN GRANOLA, PERIOD.
THAT'S THE DEAL WE HAVE WITH GRANOLA.
IF WE ALL KEEP PRETENDING IT'S HEALTHY, WE GET TO EAT CHOCOLATE
CHIPS FOR BREAKFAST.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY INGREDIENT THAT SHOULD
BE LISTED ON A SALTED CARAMEL, DARK CHOCOLATE, HONEY WALNUT
GRANOLA BAR SHOULD BE DENIAL.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HERE'S THE THING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I COULD GO FOR SOME.
I COULD GO FOR SOME DENIAL RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
BUT HERE'S THE THING: IF THIS GRANOLA REALLY DOES CONTAIN
LOVE, THEN THE F.D.A. HAS GOT TO WARN PEOPLE, BECAUSE NOTHING HAS
DONE MORE DAMAGE TO ME THAN LOVE-- NOT FAT, NOT SALT.
ALCOHOL'S COME CLOSE!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT ALCOHOL IS USUALLY STEPPING
IN WHEN HIS OLD PAL, LOVE, CAN'T BE THERE.
SO, I SAY, LET CUSTOMERS KNOW EXACTLY WHAT EMOTIONS THEY'RE
BITING INTO.
LIKE TOTINO'S PIZZA ROLLS DOES: "NOW WITH 60% MORE SELF-HATRED."
THAT'S AFTER YOU EAT IT.
NOWSOME-- I COULD GO FOR SOME SELF-HATRED RIGHT NOW.
I COULD GO FOR A HOT TRAY OF SELF-HATRED.
THERE'S SOME DISAPPOINTING NEWS FROM THE ART WORLD.
PARIS' LOUVRE MUSEUM-- I TRUST I'M PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY.
IS WITHDRAWING A LARGE INSTALLATION FOR BEING TOO
SEXUALLY EXPLICIT.
NOW, LET ME SET THIS UP.
IT'S A BUILDING, AND IT'S INTENDED TO LOOK LIKE A COUPLE
COPULATING.
I'M SKEPTICAL FRANKLY.
HOW CAN A BUILDING REALLY LOOK LIKE A-- OHHHHKAY, I SEE IT.
THERE IT IS.
>> Jon: WHOA!
WHOA!
>> Stephen: IT COULD BE-- IT COULD JUST BE A GUY
KEEPING HIS DOG FROM ATTACKING THE NEIGHBOR.
"STAY HERE, BOY.
STAY!
STAY!
DOWN, DOWN, DOWN!
DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN!" ( APPLAUSE )
THE MUSEUM DECIDED TO PULL THE INSTALLATION AFTER ONLINE
CRITICISM, AND IN ADDITION, THERE WERE CONCERNS ABOUT THE
40-FOOT STATUE BEING SITUATED NEAR A CHILDREN'S PLAYGROUND.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THAT.
IMAGINE HAVING TO EXPLAIN THAT TO A CHILD: "WELL, SWEETIE, WHEN
A WOODSHED LOVES A MINI STORAGE UNIT VERY MUCH, SOMETIMES THEY
ENGAGE IN A SPECIAL HUG, RESULTING IN A TWO-BEDROOM
CONDOMINIUM."
MEANWHILE, BACK HERE STATESIDE, PEOPLE SAY THERE ARE NO MORE
HEROES.
BUT I'M HAPPY TO SAY, THOSE PEOPLE ARE WRONG, BECAUSE
YESTERDAY, POLICE IN WYOMING ARRESTED A DRUNK MAN WHO CLAIMS
HE TRAVELED FROM THE YEAR 2049 TO WARN OF AN ALIEN INVASION.
NOW, I KNOW THIS SOUNDS IMPLAUSIBLE, BUT THINK ABOUT IT.
IF YOU WENT BACK EVEN FIVE YEARS IN THE PAST, YOU'D SOUND LIKE A
CRAZY PERSON.
"THE 'APPRENTICE' GUY IS PRESIDENT, TACO BELL HAS A TACO
WHERE THE SHELL IS A FRIED EGG, AND iPHONES DON'T HAVE HEADPHONE
JACKS ANYMORE."
AND HE WASN'T HAPPY ABOUT BEING DETAINED.
HE IMMEDIATELY "DEMANDED TO SPEAK TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE
TOWN."
"I NEED TO SPEAK TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE TOWN, THE MAYOR
OF THE COUNTRY, AND THE EMPEROR OF ICE CREAM."
AND IT TURNS OUT THAT TIME TRAVEL IS TRICKIER THAN YOU
THINK, BECAUSE THE MAN CLAIMS "HE MEANT TO TRAVEL TO 2018."
LOOK, BUDDY, WE'RE ALL JUST TRYING TO GET TO 2018.
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FDA: You Can't List 'Love' Isn't An Ingredient

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