Pence Walks Out of a Football Game, BlackBerry Motion

-Let´s get to the news.
Vice President Mike Pence left the stadium
before yesterday´s game between the Indianapolis Colts
and San Francisco 49ers
after several players on the 49ers
kneeled in protest during the national anthem.
Wow. Dude, if you´re that easily offended,
do not look to your right.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You´ll be shocked.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Before walking into the football game yesterday,
Vice President Pence reportedly told his press pool
to wait outside of the stadium
in anticipation of a potential early departure.
Coincidentally, "early departure"
is the only form of birth control Mike Pence approves of.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Senator Bob Corker is continuing to escalate
his feud with President trump,
telling The New York Times
that Trump is on the path to World War III.
Said Trump, "I have bone spurs!
I can´t go to World War III! I have bone spurs in my foot.
Oh, you got to get me out of this.
It´s my right foot. No, my left.
It doesn´t matter. [ Laughter ]
I can´t go. My feet! It´s my feet!
They´re all wrong!"
[ Laughter ]
According to a new profile in The New York Times,
White House aide Stephen Miller was reportedly hostile
to Latino students in high school.
And they didn´t have to dig too deep to find out.
[ Laughter and applause ]
In an interview this morning,
Kellyanne Conway defended Vice President Pence
for walking out of an NFL game yesterday,
saying, "It takes a lot to get that man´s blood boiling."
"But boiling -- it takes all the flavor out," said Eric.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Don´t ruin your blood!"
[ Laughter ]
A couple in Maine won over $600
and 12 cases of beer this weekend
for winning the North American Wife Carrying Championship.
Said the man, "What´s wrong with you people?!
We need help!" [ Laughter ]
"My wife broke her leg! Stop giving us beer!"
[ Laughter ]
BlackBerry unveiled its new touchscreen smartphone yesterday
called The Motion.
It´s named after what people do when you try to give them one.
Ew. No. [ Laughter ]
I want an iPhone. No.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, today was Thanksgiving Day in Canada.
Of course -- Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Do you think that´s the end of the joke?
[ Laughter ]
Do you think it´s gonna be a big old positive?
That´s how these things work?
"And that´s all I have to say about that."
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughing ]
Cheer the setup. [ Laughter ]
And, finally, today -- It´s not that bad.
It really isn´t.
Afterwards, I´ll poll all the Canadians here
to see if they think it´s fair.
And, finally, today was Thanksgiving Day in Canada.
Of course, in Canada, every day is Thanksgiving Day.
"Thanks for the ticket, officer!"
"Hey, thanks for speeding."
[ Laughter ]
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Pence Walks Out of a Football Game, BlackBerry Motion - Monologue

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