Puerto Rico Deals With Another Storm: A Presidential Twitter Tantrum

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AS COMMANDER IN CHIEF, PRESIDENT
TRUMP HAS NEARLY UNLIMITED POWER TO WAGE WAR AT HIS FINGERTIPS,
AND THAT'S JUST TWITTER.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS WEEKEND, HE LAUNCHED AN
ASYMMETRICAL TWEET ASSAULT AGAINST THE MAYOR OF SAN JUAN
PUERTO RICO, CARMEN YULIN CRUZ.
HERE'S HOW IT STARTED: IN RESPONSE ABOUT THE
ADMINISTRATION'S RELIEF EFFORTS, ON THURSDAY, ACTING SECRETARY OF
HOMELAND SECURITY, AND LIBRARIAN ON THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE,
ELAINE DUKE SAID THIS: >> I AM VERY SATISFIED.
I KNOW IT'S A HARD STORM TO RECOVER FROM, BUT THE AMOUNT OF
PROGRESS THAT'S BEEN MADE, AND I REALLY WOULD APPRECIATE ANY
SUPPORT THAT WE GET.
I KNOW IT IS REALLY A GOOD NEWS STORY IN TERMS OF OUR ABILITY TO
REACH PEOPLE AND THE LIMITED NUMBER OF DEATHS THAT HAVE TAKEN
PLACE IN SUCH A DEVASTATING HURRICANE.
>> STEPHEN: YOU KNOW YOU WORK FOR THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
WHEN ONE OF THE WORST DISASTERS IN HISTORY SEEMS LIKE A GOOD
NEWS STORY TO YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO BE
POSITIVE HERE, BUT THE GLASS IS NOT REALLY HALF-FULL.
OR IF IT IS, THAT'S NOT WATER.
DON'T DRINK IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
WHAT SAY YOU, MAYOR CRUZ?
>> DAMN IT, THIS IS NOT A GOOD NEWS STORY.
THIS IS A "PEOPLE ARE DYING" STORY.
THIS IS A "LIFE OR DEATH" STORY.
THIS IS "THERE'S A TRUCKLOAD OF STUFF THAT CANNOT BE TAKEN TO
PEOPLE" STORY.
THIS IS A STORY OF A DEVASTATION THAT CONTINUES TO WORSEN.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, THAT'S A LEADER STANDING UP FOR THE NEEDS
OF HER CONSTITUENTS WITH A STATEMENT THAT DOESN'T MENTION
DONALD TRUMP, SO I'M HAPPY TO SAY HE TOOK THE HIGH ROAD AND
LET IT GO.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M JUST KIDDING.
HE TOOK IT VERY PERSONALLY: "THE MAYOR OF SAN JUAN, WHO WAS
VERY COMPLIMENTARY ONLY A FEW DAYS AGO, HAS NOW BEEN TOLD BY
THE DEMOCRATS THAT YOU MUST BE NASTY TO TRUMP."
OKAY, KEEP IN MIND, 95% OF THE PEOPLE THERE REMAIN WITHOUT
POWER AND ONLY 11% OF PUERTO RICO HAS CELL SERVICE.
SO, TO DELIVER THEIR MESSAGE TO SAN JUAN'S MAYOR, THE DEMOCRATS
MUST HAVE USED SKYWRITING.
( LAUGHTER ) VERY CREATIVE.
VERY CREATIVE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FREE DOROTHY!
( PIANO RIFF ) AND THAT FIRST TWEET WAS JUST
THE TIP OF THE DOUCHE-BERG.
BECAUSE HE SENT OUT 20 TWEETS ABOUT PUERTO RICO THIS WEEKEND.
HE CONTINUED: "DOT, DOT, DOT SUCH POOR
LEADERSHIP ABILITY BY THE MAYOR OF SAN JUAN, AND OTHERS IN
PUERTO RICO, WHO ARE NOT ABLE TO GET THEIR WORKERS TO HELP.
THEY DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT" "DOT, DOT, DOT WANT EVERYTHING
TO BE DONE FOR THEM WHEN IT SHOULD BE A COMMUNITY EFFORT."
YES, TRUMP IS BLAMING THE VICTIM.
"I LIKE ISLANDS THAT WEREN'T HIT BY A HURRICANE."
( LAUGHTER ) "OKAY?
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE.
YES ."
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE'S SAYING -- OE'S COMPLAINING THEY WANT EVERYTHING DONE FOR
THEM.
KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS A MAN WHO LITERALLY HAS A BUTTON ON HIS
DESK THAT HE PUSHES AND A BUTLER BRINGS HIM A COKE!
( PIANO RIFF ) TRUMP ALSO TOOK THIS SHOT AT
PUERTO RICO ON FRIDAY.
>> ULTIMATELY, THE GOVERNMENT OF PUERTO RICO WILL HAVE TO WORK
WITH US TO DETERMINE HOW THIS MASSIVE REBUILDING EFFORT, WHICH
WILL END UP BEING THE BIGGEST EVER, WILL BE FUNDED AND
ORGANIZED, AND WHAT WE WILL DO WITH THE TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF
EXISTING DEBT ALREADY ON THE ISLAND.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT?
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YOUR NEIGHBOR IS DROWNING AND
INSTEAD OF THROWING HIM A LIFE JACKET, YOU'RE SAYING, "IN A
SECOND.
FIRST, LET'S TALK ABOUT THOSE HEDGE CLIPPERS YOU BORROWED."
( LAUGHTER ) YOU COULD ALSO LOSE A FEW
POUNDS.
TRUMP REITERATED AGAIN ON FRIDAY WHY BRINGING RELIEF TO PUERTO
RICO IS SUCH A HARD JOB.
>> THIS IS AN ISLAND.
SURROUNDED BY WATER.
BIG WATER, OCEAN WATER.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE, I GUESS.
( APPLAUSE ) THIS IS OUR PRESIDENT?
HE SOUNDS LIKE A FOURTH GRADER WHO'S NOT PREPARED FOR HIS BOOK
REPORT.
( LAUGHTER ) "I GOTTA SAY, TREASURE ISLAND IS
AN ISLAND SURROUND BID WATER, BIG WATER, OCEAN WATER AND ALSO
TREASURE ISLAND HAS TREASURE.
IT HAS BIG TREASURE, SHINY TREASURE.
I'M GOING TO GUESS THE TREASURE'S WET, WITH THE WATER
AND ALL.
OKAY.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE CHARACTERS.
LONG JOHN SILVER IS THERE AND HE BROUGHT THE BATTER FRIED COD AND
WE DID THE TREASURE MAP ON THE BACK OF THE PLACE MAP AND FOUND
THE TREASURE IN THE BACK OF THE CAVE WHERE WE SAVED BECKY FROM
INJUN JOE.
HOW MUCH MORE TIME DO I HAVE?" ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) "IT'S A VERY GOOD BOOK.
I LIKE THE BOOK.
I DIDN'T FINISH READING IT.
I SAVED SOME OF IT FOR LATER BECAUSE I LOVE READING SO MUCH."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT DESPITE HOW CHALLENGING THIS
IS, TRUMP HAS THE COURAGE TO SAY WHAT NO ONE IS THINKING:
"WE HAVE DONE A GREAT JOB WITH THE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE SITUATION
IN PUERTO RICO.
OUTSIDE OF THE FAKE NEWS OR POLITICALLY MOTIVATED INGRATES."
YEAH, PUERTO RICO, SHOW SOME GRATITUDE WHILE YOU'RE WADING
THROUGH SEWAGE.
"PUERTO RICO GOVERNOR RICARDO ROSSELLO JUST STATED: 'THE
ADMINISTRATION AND THE PRESIDENT, EVERY TIME WE'VE
SPOKEN, THEY'VE DELIVERED.'" SEE, HE'S DOING A GREAT JOB.
IT'S LIKE IF NERO HAD TWEETED 2,000 YEARS AGO:
"ROME BURNING.
DEVASTATION.
GETTING A LOT OF COMPLIMENTS ON MY FIDDLING.
#MRGA!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
#MRGA!" ( PIANO RIFF )
OH, ONE THING I FORGET TO MENTION, HE DID ALL THIS
TWEETING FROM HIS GOLF COURSE.
AND, ON SUNDAY, HE DID SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS AND UNEXPECTED FOR
HURRICANE VICTIMS: >> ON BEHALF OF ALL OF THE
PEOPLE OF TEXAS, AND ALL OF THE PEOPLE OF-- IF YOU LOOK TODAY
AND SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING, HOW HORRIBLE IT IS BUT WE HAVE IT
UNDER REALLY GREAT CONTROL-- PUERTO RICO AND THE PEOPLE OF
FLORIDA WHO HAVE REALLY SUFFERED OVER THIS LAST SHORT PERIOD OF
TIME WITH THE HURRICANES, I WANT TO JUST REMEMBER THEM.
AND WE'RE GOING TO DEDICATE THIS TROPHY TO ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE
THAT WENT THROUGH SO MUCH THAT WE LOVE-- A PART OF OUR GREAT
STATE, REALLY PART OF OUR GREAT NATION.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: YES, YES.
THAT'S HOW I EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE, TOO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S LETTING THEM SPLIT A GOLF TROPHY.
IT'S LIKE JESUS SAID, "FOR I WAS HUNGRY AND YOU GAVE ME A GOLF
TROPHY?
WHAT THE HELL?
I CAN'T EAT THIS!" ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) AM I GETTING THAT RIGHT?
BUT WE AT THE "LATE SHOW" ALSO HAVE AN AWARD TO HAND OUT.
TO DONALD TRUMP, WE'D LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS TROPHY FOR
THE WORLD'S EMPTIEST GESTURE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THIS IS IT.
WE WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS.
YES, OF COURSE.
OF COURSE, DONALD TRUMP COULDN'T BE HERE TONIGHT TO ACCEPT THE
AWARD, THE INGRATE.
( LAUGHTER ) PUT THAT SOMEPLACE SECURE,
PLEASE.
BUT IT WASN'T JUST A GOLF TROPHY, TRUMP ALSO HAD A MESSAGE
FOR THE ISLAND: "TO THE PEOPLE OF PUERTO RICO:
DO NOT BELIEVE THE #FAKENEWS!
#PRSTRONG.
FLAG EMOJI."
YES, FAKE NEWS.
JUST TAKE A LOOK AT HOW PARTISAN THE NEWS COVERAGE HAS BEEN DOWN
IN PUERTO RICO: OH, WAIT, THERE IS NO NEWS DOWN
THERE BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY ELECTRICITY, YOU NUT LID!
>> Jon: OH!
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: YEAH, NUT LID!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU POP TOP NUT LID!
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU!
YOU SEE, TRUMP CAN'T FUNCTION IF HE HEARS ANY CRITICISM.
IT JUST SHUTS HIM DOWN.
AND SINCE HE IS OUR PRESIDENT, LIKE IT OR NOT, I'VE INSTRUCTED
OUR IN-HOUSE NEWS TEAM "REAL NEWS TONIGHT" TO DO A REPORT ON
TRUMP'S HURRICANE RESPONSE THAT I THINK HE'S GOING TO LIKE.
>> WELCOME TO REALNESS TONIGHT.
I'M JILL NEWS LADY, I'M JIM ANCHORTON.
>> BREAKING NEWS FROM PUERTO RICO.
PUERTO RICO IS A GOOD NEWS STORY.
BUENO.
>> MUI BUENO, JILL.
PUERTO RICO IS SO SATISFIED WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP'S DISASTER
RELIEF THEY AREN'T SENDING OUT ANY NEGATIVE PHONE CALLS TEXTS.
>> THAT MAY BECAUSE THEY'RE POLITICAL INGRATES WHO WANT
EVERYTHING DONE WITH HIM.
>> UNLIKE THE PEOPLE FROM THE VIRGIN ISLANDS WHO ARE HARD
WORKERS.
>> AND VIRGINS.
PUERTO RICO IS SURROUND BID BIG WATER.
>> FULL OF JELLYFISH AN WET SNAKES.
EXPERTS ARE NOW SAYING THE HURRICANE WOULD HAVE BEEN AN IFN
BEGGAR DISASTER HAD PRESIDENT TRUMP NOT KNOCKED IT
OFF COURSE WITH HIS STRONG MASSIVE HANDS
( SPEAKING SPANISH ) >> ANOTHER SMART TRUMP THING IS
THAT TODAY TRUMP HELPED HURRICANE MARIA VICTIMS BY AIR
DROPPING EMERGENCY GOLF TROPHIES ALL OVER THE ISLAND.
>> CONGRATULATIONS, PUERTO RICO, YOU EARNED IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
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Puerto Rico Deals With Another Storm: A Presidential Twitter Tantrum

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