Trump Meets President of Virgin Islands, This Week in Words

-Here´s what people are talking about.
There´s still a lot of leaks coming out of the White House,
saying that Trump´s really coming unraveled.
I guess he´s been walking around repeating himself over and over.
[ Laughter ]
In response, Trump said, [ As Trump ] "That is
totally false... [ Light laughter ]
...and totally false.
[ Laughter ]
Not to mention, totally false."
[ Normal voice ] Did you guys hear this? Today, Trump said that
he met with the President of the U.S. Virgin Islands,
even though he is actually the President of the Virgin Islands.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Trump was like, [ As Trump ] "Well, that explains why
he was so smart and handsome, and has such huge hands."
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Normal voice ] Another big story is the executive order
Trump signed on health care, and he claims it will help
millions of people.
And people said,millions millions,
or crowd at your inauguration millions?
Oh, just making sure.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I read that Trump´s executive order on health care
will clear the way for cheaper policies that offer
fewer benefits.
Well, we looked into it a bit more and it turns out
these cheaper policies will only cover a couple of things.
Take a look. First, they cover headaches.
[ Laughter ]
They also cover nausea.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, they cover constipation.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Good to know. It´s good to know.
-That´s it? -It´s just good to know.
-Oh. -This whole thing could take
a while, in fact, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly
said our government is designed to be slow.
When someone asked if that can get annoying, Kelly said...
[ Laughter ]
"Yes.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I guess."
You guys, today is Friday the 13th.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I heard -- This is funny -- to celebrate,
tattoo parlors are offering $13 tattoos.
[ Light laughter ]
´Cause what could -- What could go wrong,
getting a cheap tattoo on the unluckiest day of the year?
Why would do you do that?
[ Applause ]
Well, listen to this, guys. There´s actually a trailer
that just came out for a pretty scary new sequel
to the horror movie "Friday the 13th."
Take a look at this.
-His victims never saw it coming.
-I do. There´s clearly some confu--
-One.
-President Trump put in the best cabinet.
-Two.
-Thank you. -Three.
Four. Five.
Six. Seven.
Eight. Nine.
Ten. Eleven.
Twelve. Thirteen.
The last thing they heard was his terrifying catchphrase.
-Hello. Hello.
[ Applause ]
-What? -What is that?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello.
[ Laughter ]
-What is that? -I don´t know what he´s doing.
Check this out, you guys. A company is selling
a $15,000 pool table shaped like a banana.
[ Light laughter ]
It´s a perfect way to tell your guests,
"I´m horrible with money."
[ Laughter ]
Banana.
This is nice. I read about a man in New Jersey
who found a winning lottery ticket in an old shirt,
and won $24 million.
[ Audience oohs ]
When asked what he plans to buy with it, he said,
"1,000 banana-shaped pool tables."
That´s bizarre, because we just said the joke
about the pool table.
Well, it´s the end of another crazy week,
and since there´s too much to talk about,
instead of giving you a full week in review,
we decided to put together a little montage that just focuses
on the key words used this week.
It´s something we call "This Week in Words."
Enjoy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-War of words. -Trump on the attack.
-More and more people are pushing back.
-♫ The fact we´re not afraid of Trump. ♫
♫ Walking on egg shells. I came to stomp. ♫
-Corker. -Backlash.
-Tempers. -Flare.
-And calling the White House an "adult day care."
-Discord. -Tension.
-Trump. -Deflects.
-And then there´s... -Tillerson.
Let´s talk about... -Rex
-And Trump. -And the Tillerson feud.
-The President -Thinks he has a
-Better IQ. -Called Trump a moron.
-Rocky from the start. -Nonsense.
He´s smart. -Infighting.
-Backbiting. -Problems
-To solve. -There´s a lot of psycho drama
When Donald Trump´s involved.
-Vanity fair." -Says Trump´s
-Losing his mind. -An executive order.
-He forgot to sign?
-Baseball playoffs.
-Yankees win!
-The Red Sox out. -The Astros in.
-"Stranger Things 2" trailer. -Can´t...
-Ignore. -"Star Wars" trailer.
-Porg.
-There you go. Porg!
We have a great show tonight!
Give it up for the Roots!
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Trump Meets President of Virgin Islands, This Week in Words - Monologue

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