Big Furry Hat: Thanksgiving Edition

AS A LATE-NIGHT HOST, IT'S NO SECRET I WIELD TREMENDOUS POWER,
AS MUCH AS HISTORY HEY MOST RUTHLESS TIRANTS.
GENGHIS KHAN, KIM JONG-UN, AND CHER.
WE ALL HAVE TWO THINGS IN COMMON: WE LOOK AMAZING FOR 71,
AND WE ALL HAVE A BIG FURRY HAT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NOW THAT THIS HAT IS UPON MINE HEAD, ANY AND ALL
PROCLAMATIONS I MAKE ARE NOW AND FOREVER LAW.
LET US BEGIN.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS THANKSGIVING, ANY GROWNUP
WHO SAYS WE SHOULD INVESTIGATE URANIUM ONE HAS TO SIT AT THE
KIDS' TABLE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE FIRST KID WHO REMEMBERS
PILGRIMS WERE IMMIGRANTS GETS TO SIT AT THE ADULT TABLE.
( APPLAUSE ) HENCEFORTH, IF YOU FORGOT TO
PURCHASE CRUTOUNS FOR THE TURKEY STUFFING, IT IS ACCEPTABLE TO
SUBSTITUTE XANAX.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU!
I TAKE YOUR CLAPPING!
FROM THIS DAY ON, ALL ELEVATORS SHALL COME INSTALLED WITH A TRAP
DOOR IN CASE SOMEONE DECIDES TO ANSWER THEIR CELL PHONE.
( LAUGHTER ) HEED MY WORDS: KEVIN, I CAN'T
MAKE YOUR HOLIDAY PARTY NEXT SATURDAY.
THIS WAS THE EASIEST WAY TO TELL YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) LET IT BE WRITTEN-- MARVEL SHALL
INTRODUCE A NEW SUPERHERO WHOSE POWER IS APPEARING AT THE
BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE TO RECAP ALL THE OTHER MARVEL MOVIES I
NEED TO HAVE SEEN TO UNDERSTAND THIS MOVIE.
HE SHALL BE CALLED "RECAP-TAIN AMERICA."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WEDDINGS SHALL NO LONGER HIRE BANDS.
I WANT TO HEAR BEYONCE DOING "SINGLE LADIES," NOT A
MIDDLE-AGED MAN NAMED DEREK WHO SELLS ALUMINUM SIDING DURING THE
WEEK.
( LAUGHTER ) I HEREBY DECREE THE APPLE STORE
WILL STOP CALLING ITS PEOPLE GENIUSES.
THERE IS NO NOBEL PRIZE IN SYNCING MY CALENDARS.
( LAUGHTER ) HENCEFORTH: WOLF BLITZER SHALL
STOP SAYING "I'M WOLF BLITZER.
YOU'RE IN THE SITUATION ROOM."
NO, WOLF, YOU'RE IN THE SITUATION ROOM.
I'M IN MY UNDERWEAR.
THE HAT HAS SPOKEN.
Ivanka Trump's Thanksgiving Centerpiece: A Giant Clam Thanksgiving And Trump's (Lack Of) Giving John Leguizamo Teaches 'Latin History For Morons' a Giant Owl Attacks Jimmy Fallon and Jeff Musial - Screams like a litlle girl Gayle King Reacts To Charlie Rose's Firing Top 10 Things You'll Never Buy Again After Knowing How They're Made Barack Obama Best Moments The Super Smartphone You've Never Heard Of... Starbucks Introduces A 'Not Gay' Cup Ellen Degeneres || Funniest Moments

Big Furry Hat: Thanksgiving Edition

Latest Posts