Do Not Read: How to Be a Drug Dealer, What If You Are a Horse in Human Form

-♪♪ Do not read ♪♪
♪♪ Do not read ♪♪
♪♪ Do not read these books, these books ♪♪
-Now, before we start, I just want you all to know
that every book that I'm about to show you is 100% real.
These are actual books. You can find them on Amazon
or check them out at your local library.
-Right. -They are real.
All right, let's see what's on my "Do Not Read" list.
The first one is a cookbook. -Oh, good.
-I love cookbooks, yeah. They're perfect for the holidays.
-Love to snug up -- -This is
"Microwave Cooking on a Diet."
[ Laughter ]
I guess that's the classic loose taco meat,
chocolate pudding diet. -Aw!
-Oh. [ Laughs ] -I didn't realize you could
microwave pudding. [ Laughter ]
But no, they've got some things in here.
There's like meat and potatoes right there.
Yeah, that's good. Actually, what is it? Tongue stew.
-[ Groans ] -Oh!
-Sweet and sour tongue. Well, I see why it's a diet book,
'cause you never want to eat anything in this book.
[ Laughter ] You'll lose weight.
It makes sense. [ Applause ]
You'll lose weight. -Can't taste it.
-The next one is a how-to book. -Oh, I love how-to books.
-Me, too. They're the best. This is always helpful.
This is "How To Be a Drug Dealer."
[ Laughter ]
By 673126.
[ Laughter ]
And below, it says, "Note: Author's pen name."
I love this author. -Yeah. 673 -- yeah.
-When I think of literary greats...
-Yeah. -I think of Hemingway,
I think Faulkner, and, of course, 673126.
[ Laughter and applause ] Just a classic.
"How To Be a Drug Dealer."
Next up is another how-to book here.
This is "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Teaching College."
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, my goodness. -Quick, I need a book.
-It's definitely not what you want to see
on your professor's bookshelf. -No.
[ Laughter ]
-If my professor had this on his bookshelf,
I'd drop out and...become a drug dealer.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, 673 --
[ Applause and whistles ] Mr. 126?
-"Idiot's Guide to Teaching College."
[ Laughter ] Oh, man.
-I gotta go teach real quick. -This next book is great.
This one is called
"88 Reasons Why the Rapture Will Be in 1988."
[ Laughter ]
Spoiler alert! -Yeah!
-Yeah, yeah, "Er, my Gerd." -"Er, my Gerd."
[ Applause ]
Oh, this is a great -- this is a romance novel.
-Oh, I love romance. -I love romance
and I love novels. -Love both.
-Together, this is great. It's a beautiful, beautiful story,
probably. It is called "How to Catch Crabs."
-Oh! -It is apparently...
[ Laughter ]
It is about a fisherman that falls in love.
-Yeah. Sure. -Yeah. Didn't you -- didn't you
didn't you write a book, "How to Catch Crabs"?
-Yes, I did. It was about my spring break to Cancún.
[ Laughter ] -That's right. Yeah, yeah.
-How to catch crabs? I snugged up with them.
[ Laughter ] -It's a tale of --
look at the back. "A tale of crabs, cricket bats,
and catching your heart's desire in Jazz Age Western Australia."
[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
That's a very specific niche audience.
-Yeah. When I think of Jazz Age...
-You have to love crabs, cricket, jazz.
And you have to live in Western Australia.
Very relatable book. I like it.
[ Applause ]
But don't read it.
We're down to our last one. -Aw.
-And I don't even know what category this falls in,
but this is totally real.
It is "What If You Are a Horse In Human Form?"
[ Laughter ]
So it's a guy who thinks that he's a horse
trapped in a human body. -Really?
-Yeah. -Hay.
-He says -- haaay. Yeah, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
"Over the years, I have communicated with and met
"several horses in human form. As far as I know,
I'm the only one who has ever revealed himself publicly."
[ Laughter ]
"I hope that this book will encourage others
to come out of the stall."
[ Laughter ]
-Stall. -I'm just glad that he had
the courage to use his real name --
Jason the Horse.
[ Applause ]
That's all I have for this edition
of my "Do Not Read" list. [ Cheers and applause ]
If you have a book that you think should be
on our next "Do Not Read" list, I would love to see it.
Send your titles to our blog at...
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Do Not Read: How to Be a Drug Dealer, What If You Are a Horse in Human Form

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