Mitch McConnell's Neck, Scaramucci's Book Deal

-Let´s get to the news.
President Trump delivered a statement
at the White House today about his 12-day trip to Asia,
a trip during which
he apparently wasn´t given any water.
[ Laughter ]
Look at him.
He looks like a 5-year-old coming to the sidelines
during a soccer practice.
"Did you see me, Mom?
I ran over there, and then I ran over there,
and then I scored a goal. Okay, I´ve got to go back."
[ Laughter ]
Former White House communications director
Anthony Scaramucci is reportedly in talks with publishers
about a book chronicling his tenure in the White House.
A book? [ Laughter ]
You were there for 10 days.
At best, you could release a fortune cookie.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
North Korean state media today called President Trump a coward
for canceling his visit to the demilitarized zone
during his trip to Asia.
Listen, President Trump is a lot of things,
but a coward is just one of those things.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Republicans...
Republicans are reportedly hoping that President Trump
will pressure Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore
to drop out of the race,
and Roy Moore still might not drop out,
but at least he´ll know
what it´s like to be pressured by an older man.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore tweeted today,
"We believe in God, the Constitution,
the sanctity of life, and the sanctity of marriage."
Sounds great, until you realize
those are all stores in an Alabama mall.
[ Laughter ]
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell
announced yesterday that the Senate tax bill
will include language to repeal Obamacare´s individual mandate.
Come on, Mitch. How can you destroy healthcare
when your neck is six months´ pregnant?
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I feel it kickin´.
I-I hope it´s a boy."
[ Laughter ]
Australia voted to legalize gay marriage yesterday,
which is great news --
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.
It´s great news, but also a lot of pressure on Karl.
[ Laughter ]
We haven´t gotten that graphic right all day.
[ Laughter ]
Singer Blake Shelton has been named People Magazine´s
Sexiest Man Alive for 2017,
and even he looks a little confused by that.
[ Laughter ]
"Heck, are y´all sure about this one?"
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, a man has developed a new app
called MakeApp that takes photos of people wearing makeup,
then filters them to show what they look like without it.
For example, here´s the Kardashians
before using the app, and here´s them after.
[ Laughter ]
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Mitch McConnell's Neck, Scaramucci's Book Deal - Monologue

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