Only Roy Moore Could Unite Stephen And Mitch McConnell

ALL AGES, WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
BY NOW, YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD OF ALABAMA SENATORIAL CANDIDATE,
FORMER JUDGE, AND HUMAN-CRACKER BARREL HYBRID, ROY MOORE.
LAST WEEK, ALLEGATIONS SURFACED THAT, WHEN MOORE WAS AN
ASSISTANT DISTRICT ATTORNEY IN THE 1970S, HE HAD SEXUAL CONTACT
WITH A 14-YEAR-OLD -- WHICH WOULD BE APPROPRIATE ONLY
IF HE WERE A 14-YEAR-OLD ASSISTANT DISTRICT ATTORNEY
( LAUGHTER ) KIND OF LIKE A DOUCHE-Y HOWSER.
( LAUGHTER ) I WATCHED THAT SHOW.
A HORROR SHOW.
( LAUGHTER ) MOORE WENT ON HANNITY RADIO TO
"STRONGLY" MAKE THINGS WORSE: >> DO YOU REMEMBER DATING GIRLS
THAT YOUNG AT THAT TIME?
>> NOT GENERALLY, NO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OOH...
>> STEPHEN: "NO, NOT GENERALLY.
BUT SPECIFICALLY, YOU BETCHA ( LAUGHTER )
BUT AGAIN, NOT GENERALLY.
MOST OF THE TIME I'M 'NOT' TOUCHING TEENAGERS.
FOR EXAMPLE, I'M NOT TOUCHING ONE RIGHT NOW.
OH, I AM?
THANK GOD THIS IS RADIO."
( LAUGHTER ) THEN MOORE CLARIFIED --
>> I DON'T REMEMBER EVER DATING ANY GIRL WITHOUT THE PERMISSION
OF HER MOTHER.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: WAIT A MINUTE.
HOW DID YOU JUST MAKE THIS CREEPIER?
PERMISSION FROM HER MOTHER?
SHE'S A 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL, NOT A FIELD TRIP.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'D THINK ALL THIS WOULD
IMMEDIATELY DISQUALIFY HIM AS A CANDIDATE.
BUT ACCORDING TO A RECENT POLL, ALABAMA EVANGELICALS ARE MORE
LIKELY TO SUPPORT ROY MOORE AFTER SEXUAL ASSAULT
ALLEGATIONS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) OH, I SEE -- SO "ALABAMA
EVANGELICAL" IS LIKE "LONG ISLAND ICED TEA."
IT ISN'T WHAT IT SAYS IT IS, AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: SO -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) SO THINGS ARE LOOKING PRETTY BAD
FOR ROY MOORE.
BUT THERE'S STILL A CHANCE HE COULD WEATHER THIS STORM, AS
LONG AS NOTHING ELSE-- AAAAND THIS AFTERNOON, A NEW ROY MOORE
ACCUSER CLAIMED HE VIOLENTLY ASSAULTED HER WHEN SHE WAS 16.
AND THIS LATEST ACCUSER HAS PROOF THAT MOORE KNEW EXACTLY
HOW OLD SHE WAS BECAUSE HE SIGNED HER YEARBOOK.
"TO A SWEETER MORE BEAUTIFUL GIRL I COULD NOT SAY MERRY
CHRISTMAS.
CHRISTMAS 1977.
LOVE, ROY MOORE-- ROY MOORE, D.A."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SO VERY DISTURBING.
BUT IT COULD STILL PLAY WELL WITH EVANGELICALS --
'CAUSE HE DIDN'T SAY, "HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
THAT'S A DEAL-BREAKER."
>> Jon: WHOA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
( PIANO RIFF ) BUT NOT EVERYBODY WANTS MOORE
ANYMORE.
WHICH IS WHY "SOME REPUBLICANS ARE FLOATING THE IDEA OF
DELAYING THE DECEMBER 12 SPECIAL ELECTION IN ORDER TO GET MOORE'S
NAME OFF THE BALLOT."
YOU CAN DO THAT?
YOU CAN JUST MOVE AN ELECTION WHERE YOU WANT?
IF THAT'S THE CASE, CAN WE MOVE THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
UP TO TONIGHT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, WE GOT TIME.
>> Jon: YOU READY?
>> Stephen: BETWEEN NOW AND MIDNIGHT.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND TODAY, SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL MADE AN
EVEN STRONGER STATEMENT -- >> I THINK HE SHOULD STEP ASIDE.
>> DO YOU BELIEVE THE ALLEGATIONS TO BE TRUE?
>> I BELIEVE THE WOMEN, YES.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: WHAT IS
THIS...STRANGE FEELING?
( LAUGHTER ) I -- AND I'M NOT SURE THIS IS
THE WORD -- I...
AGREE WITH MITCH McCONNELL?
IS THIS A DREAM?
SOMEBODY PINCH ME!
NOT ROY MOORE.
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Only Roy Moore Could Unite Stephen And Mitch McConnell

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