Stephen Colbert's 'Go Fund Yourself'

WE ALL KNOW THAT SILICON VALLEY IS WHERE THE WORLD'S MOST
BRILLIANT MINDS COME TOGETHER TO HELP HUMANITY REACH ITS
HIGHEST POTENTIAL, WHICH IS SHOPPING ON THE TOILET.
( LAUGHTER ) CHRISTMAS IS COMING.
AND INNOVATION DON'T COME CHEAP.
IN THE SECOND QUARTER OF 2017, VENTURE CAPITALISTS INVESTED IN
TECH COMPANIES TO THE TUNE OF $1.65 BILLION.
NOW, SURE, PUERTO RICO DOESN'T HAVE WATER OR POWER, BUT SOON
THEY MIGHT HAVE BLUETOOTH WAFFLE IRONS!
THERE ARE JUST SO MANY GREAT TECH-PORTUNITIES RIGHT NOW, AND
I WANT IN-- WHICH LEADS US TO OUR NEW SEGMENT, "GO FUND
YOURSELF."
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE WORK IN OPEN-CONCEPT OFFICES, BUT
PRIVACY CAN BE AN ISSUE, SO INVESTORS ARE BANKING ON A NEW
PRODUCT CALLED HUSH-ME, A PERSONAL ACOUSTIC DEVICE THAT
PROTECTS SPEECH PRIVACY IN OPEN-SPACE ENVIRONMENTS.
GREAT-- EXCEPT THAT IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING A SERIAL KILLER
MAKES HIS VICTIMS WEAR.
"IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN, OR ELSE IT WEARS THE HUSH-ME
PERSONAL ACOUSTIC DEVICE."
I'D HUSH ME.
( LAUGHTER ) HUSH-ME MUFFLES YOUR VOICE, PLUS
IT HAS SPEAKERS THAT PLAY NOISE TO COVER UP YOUR CALL, NOISES
LIKE OCEAN, MONKEY, DARTH VADER, AND MINION.
SO, YOU CAN GO FROM BEING THE GUY WHO TAKES PHONE CALLS AT THE
OFFICE AND IS KIND OF ANNOYING, TO THE GUY WHO PLAYS
MINION SOUNDS AT THE OFFICE AND WHOSE BODY HAS STILL NOT BEEN
FOUND.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A GREAT INVENTION.
I'M GIVING IT FOR CHRISTMAS TO AT LEAST ONE PERSON.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A GOOD LOOK.
THAT'S A GOOD LOOK.
>> Jon: I WONDER WHO?
>> Stephen: BUT SILICON VALLEY REALLY LOVES A COMPANY THAT CAN
DISRUPT.
NETFLIX DISRUPTED THE WAY YOU WATCH MOVIES, UBER DISRUPTED THE
WAY YOU GET RIDES, TINDER DISTRUPTED THE WAY YOU DATE--
UNLESS YOU WERE ALREADY HOOKING UP WITH POLYAMOROUS D.J.'S NAMED
"DAKOTA."
AND THE NEXT GAME-CHANGING TECH DISRUPTER IS THE PAUSE POD, A
PRIVATE POP-UP RELAXATION SPACE FOR AT HOME, ON THE GO,
EVEN AT WORK.
POP-UP RELAXATION?
LET'S LOOK AT THE LATEST CUTTING EDGE DEVELOPMENTS IN...
IT'S A TENT!
IT'S A TENT.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A TENT.
TECH DUDES-- TECH-- TECH DUDES, STOP INVENTING
THINGS THAT ARE ALREADY THINGS!
THERE ARE SO MANY NONTHINGS THAT STILL NEED TO BE INVENTED.
HOW ABOUT SOME PANTS THAT AUTOMATICALLY TRANSFER MY WALLET
TO THE NEXT PANTS I'M WEARING?
I WOULD OFFER YOU MONEY TO DEVELOP THAT, BUT I LEFT MY
WALLET IN MY OTHER PANTS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS TENT RAN A CROWDFUNDING
CAMPAIGN THAT RAISED $146,000.
NOW, I KNOW YOU CAN GET A TENT ON AMAZON FOR, LIKE, TWENTY
BUCKS, BUT PAUSE POD NEEDED THE EXTRA $146,000 TO DEVELOP
THE LEG-SLEEVE.
OH, YOU GOTTA HAVE THE LEG-SLEEVE.
OTHERWISE, THIS THING WOULD BE STUPID.
CHECK OUT SOME OF THE PROMO MATERIAL.
YOU JUST SET UP YOUR PAUSE POD, AND TAKE A NAP IN YOUR OFFICE!
WAIT, WAIT-- WHERE IS THIS OFFICE WHERE YOU CAN JUST SET UP
A NAP TENT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR?
ARE THEY HIRING?
( LAUGHTER ) PAUSE POD IS ALSO GREAT FOR
MAKING CHILDREN IN THE PARK PAUSE YOUR RIDDLES, TAKING A
LOAD OFF WHILE ANOTHER MAN RAISES YOUR CHILD, OR EATING
YOUR SHAMEFUL WORK BANANA.
( LAUGHTER ) NO MATTER HOW YOU USE IT-- WE
DIDN'T MAKE THAT UP.
HOWEVER YOU USE IT, POD PAUSE MAKES A STATEMENT, SPECIFICALLY,
"IS RICK OKAY?
HE JUST TOOK HIS BANANA INTO HIS LITTLE TENT, AGAIN.
THERE'S NOTHING SHARP IN THERE, IS THERE?"
THE INVENTORS CAUGHT A LOT OF HEAT FOR THE PAUSE POD-- YOU
KNOW, BEING A TENT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT INSTEAD OF ISSUING AN
APOLOGY, THEY GAVE AN INTERVIEW IN WHICH THEY SAID, "WE NEVER
CLAIMED IT'S NOT A TENT," ADDING, "...SUCKEERRRRRRRS!"
ZZZIIIPPPPPP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELL, DADDY'S GOT TO GET HIS BEAK WET, TOO, SO I'M DISRUPTING
THE INTRA-OFFICE PRIVACY GAME WITH MY OWN INVENTION.
IT'S CALLED CUBLY.
CUBLY IS THE ULTIMATE OFFICE HACK.
IT BRINGS A BRAND NEW USER INTERFACE TO THE
STATE-OF-THE-ART WEARABLE TECH.
( LAUGHTER ) DISRUPTED YET?
PLUS-- PLUS, CHECK IT OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BANANA HOLE!
DOES BANANA STAIN?
( LAUGHTER ) I'M ASKING FOR A HALF A MILLION
DOLLARS IN SEED FUNDING, WHICH WILL GO TOWARDS MATERIALS,
STAFF, AND OUR BRAND NEW 4,000-SQUARE-FOOT OFFICE SPACE
IN PALO ALTO.
WE HAVE A CHEF THERE WHO MAKES CREPES IN A SWEAT LODGE.
AND, REMEMBER, I NEVER SAID IT'S NOT A CARDBOARD BOX.
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Stephen Colbert's 'Go Fund Yourself'

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