Thanksgiving And Trump's (Lack Of) Giving

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
TOMORROW IS THANKSGIVING!
AND I'M SO EXCITED TO REUNITE WITH ALL MY LOVED ONES: PUMPKIN
PIE, STUFFING, SWEATPANTS.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S TIME FOR FAMILY.
BUT EVEN IN THE BEST OF YEARS, POLITICAL DIFFERENCES CAN MAKE
THINGS TENSE.
AND THIS IS NOT THE BEST OF YEARS.
SO, IF YOU'RE CONCERNED ABOUT CONFLICTS OVER THE DINNER TABLE,
WATCH HOW MUCH YOU HAVE TO DRINK.
( LAUGHTER ) I RECOMMEND EITHER NO DRINKS OR
ALL OF THE DRINKS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S REALLY-- KARATE YES OR KARATE NO.
IT'S REALLY THAT TWO-AND-A-HALF- DRINK MIDDLE GROUND WHERE UNCLE
FRED STARTS ASKING, "WELL, WHY DON'T WE HAVE A WHITE HISTORY
MONTH?"( LAUGHTER )
TO CELEBRATE-- SEE YOU TOMORROW, UNCLE FRED.
TO CELEBRATE THANKSGIVING, PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS RETURNED TO
MAR-A-LAGO, SO I KNOW WHAT THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF IS THANKFUL
FOR THIS YEAR.
MAR-A-LAGO MEMBERS ARE, APPARENTLY, LOOKING FORWARD TO
IMAGINE A PLUMP, OVERCOOKED TURKEY WAITING IN
LINE FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER.
WHILE TRUMP IS DOWN THERE, HE MAY HAVE SOME PAPERS TO SIGN
BECAUSE WE HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT DONALD TRUMP IS SHUTTING
DOWN HIS CHARITABLE FOUNDATION.
SO SAD.
THEY HAD ALMOST REACHED THEIR GOAL OF HELPING ANYONE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE TRUMP FOUNDATION IS NOT
GOING AWAY COMPLETELY, BECAUSE THE NEW YORK ATTORNEY GENERAL IS
INVESTIGATING THE FOUNDATION, AND IT CANNOT LEGALLY DISSOLVE
UNTIL THE INVESTIGATION IS COMPLETE, SAME WAY THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION CAN NOT BE DISSOLVED UNTIL MUELLER'S
INVESTIGATION IS COMPLETE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND RECENT FILINGS SHED LIGHT ON A SKETCHY INCIDENT INVOLVING THE
TRUMP FOUNDATION.
SEE, BACK IN 2010, TRUMP'S GOLF CLUB IN WESTCHESTER, NEW YORK,
HELD A CHARITY TOURNAMENT WITH A $1 MILLION PRIZE FOR A HOLE IN
ONE ON THE 13th HOLE.
A MAN NAMED MARTIN GREENBERG ACED THE HOLE.
THEN, AFTER A CELEBRATION, HE WAS TOLD HE COULDN'T CLAIM THE
PRIZE BECAUSE THE RULES SAID THE HOLE HAD TO BE A CERTAIN LENGTH,
AND TRUMP'S CLUB HAD MADE IT TOO SHORT.
WOW.
I FEEL TERRIBLE FOR THE GUY.
CAN YOU IMAGINE ACTUALLY WINNING, THEN FINDING OUT YOU
LOST ON A TECHNICALITY?
HILLARY CLINTON CAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SHE DOESN'T PLAY GOLF, RIGHT?
SHE DOESN'T PLAY GOLF?
THAT'S NOT THE ONLY CONTROVERSY TRUMP IS DEALING WITH RIGHT NOW.
THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF CONFUSION EVER SINCE HIS ADMINISTRATION
ANNOUNCED THAT IT WOULD LIFT THE BAN ON ELEPHANT TROPHIES BEING
IMPORTED FROM AFRICA, THEN SUDDENLY THAT YOU REVERSED
COURSE ON THAT.
THE BAN WAS PUT IN PLACE BY THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION, AND AS WE
KNOW, UNDOING ALL OF OBAMA'S ACHIEVEMENTS IS DONALD TRUMP'S
ONLY ACHIEVEMENT.
I THINK HE PAVED OVER MICHELLE'S VEGETABLE GARDEN AND PUT UP AN
ARBY'S.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP'S CONFUSION MIGHT BE
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT HIS ADMINISTRATION'S
DECISION TO LIFT THE TROPHY BAN UNTIL LEARNING IT FROM THE NEWS
MEDIA.
SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: TRUMP'S LEARNING ABOUT HIS OWN
DECISIONS FROM WATCHING TV?
IN THAT CASE, MR. PRESIDENT, GUESS WHAT?
YOU RESIGNED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVERYBODY LOVES YOU NOW.
YOU LOST WEIGHT!
CHILDREN ARE NAMED AFTER YOU.
BUT THEN TRUMP PUMPED THE BRAKES ON LIFTING THE BAN AFTER A HUGE
PUBLIC OUTCRY BECAUSE AS ONE ENVIRONMENTALIST PUT IT,
"THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT ELEPHANTS THAT JUST CROSSES
PARTY LINES.
THEY GET TO PEOPLE."
YES, EVERYBODY LOVES ELEPHANTS.
THEY'RE LIKE THE PANDAS OF THE ANIMAL WORLD.
( LAUGHTER ) BY NOW-- NOW, I DON'T THINK I'M
GIVING AWAY ANY SECRETS HERE TO SAY I'M NOT THE BIGGEST TRUMP
FAN IN THE WORLD.
BUT THERE ARE PLENTY OF PEOPLE WHO WILL BACK THE PRESIDENT, NO
MATTER WHAT HE DOES, LIKE THIS TRUMP SUPPORTER.
>> IF JESUS CHRIST GETS DOWN OFF THE CROSS AND TOLD ME TRUMP IS
WITH RUSSIA, I WOULD TELL HIM, "HOLD ON A SECOND.
I NEED TO CHECK WITH THE PRESIDENT IF IT'S TRUE."
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL,"FIRST OF ALL, JESUS IS
NEVER GOING TO GET DOWN OFF THE CROSS TO SAY THAT, BECAUSE HE'S
NOT ON THE CROSS.
SPOILER ALERT: EASTER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAVEN'T GOT TO THAT PART-- DON'T WANT TO GIVE AWAY THE END OF THE
STORY.
BUT IF HE DID, I'M SURE THE PRESIDENT WOULD TWEET,
"JESUS 'CRUST'-- FLAKE-Y-- WAS LYING AS USUAL.
FAKE MESSIAH, TURNING WATER INTO 'WHINE.'
#WHATWOULDMEDO?" I THINK HE WOULD SAY THAT.
I'VE GOT NO PROOF.
I'VE GOT NO PROOF.
NOW, BEFORE THE THANKSGIVING BREAK, THERE WAS ONE FINAL DAILY
BRIEFING FROM WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY AND MOM WHO LEAVES THE
THANKSGIVING PAGEANT AFTER HER KID IS DONE SINGING, SARAH
HUCKABEE SANDERS.
AND IN KEEPING WITH THE SPIRIT OF THANKSGIVING, SHE MADE
EVERYONE IN THE ROOM EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE.
>> I WANT TO SHARE A FEW THINGS THAT I'M THANKFUL FOR, AND I
THINK IT WOULD BE NICE FOR YOU GUYS TO DO SO, AS WELL, BEFORE
ASKING YOUR QUESTIONS.
IF YOU WANT TO ASK A QUESTION, I THINK IT'S ONLY FAIR, SINCE I'VE
SHARED WHAT I'M THANKFUL FOR, THAT YOU START OFF WITH WHAT
YOU'RE THANKFUL FOR.
>> Stephen: OOH, I'M THANKFUL FOR ROBERT MUELLER!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS-- WHAT IS-- THIS IS A LITTLE HEAVY-HANDED.
WHAT'S NEXT?
IS JEFF SESSIONS GOING TO TESTIFY BEFORE CONGRESS DRESSED
AS AN ELF?
( LAUGHTER ) "WHAT'S THE TRUE MEANING OF
CHRISTMAS?
I DO NOT RECALL."
John Leguizamo Teaches 'Latin History For Morons' Ivanka Trump's Thanksgiving Centerpiece: A Giant Clam Big Furry Hat: Thanksgiving Edition Gayle King Reacts To Charlie Rose's Firing Charlie Rose And 'The Crusty Paw' LaVar Ball Didn't 'Give Thanks' To Trump Trump Even Made Pardoning Turkeys About Obama Gayle King Shares Some Of 'Oprah's Favorite Things' Daveed Diggs Doesn't Always Cry At Movies, Just His Own Happy Thanksgiving From Tony Robbins

Thanksgiving And Trump's (Lack Of) Giving

Latest Posts