Trump Pardons Two Turkeys, Charlie Rose Fired for Sexual Harassment

-Here´s what people are talking about.
Today, the White House held its annual Turkey pardon,
and President Trump pardoned a Turkey named Drumstick.
[ Laughter ]
Which was nice till he told the turkey,
"Okay. Now you pardon me."
And he´s like, "No. Sorry. He didn´t mean that.
That´s not how it works."
[ Laughter and applause ]
But there were actually two turkeys,
and before the ceremony -- this is real --
the White House tweeted out a poll
asking people which turkey should be pardoned.
[ Laughter ]
Leave it to Trump to turn a fun annual tradition
into "Sophie´s Choice."
It´s like, "Only one can live, and it´ll be on your hands."
But Trump wound up pardoning both turkeys,
and they were each spotted in the White House briefing room.
[ Laughter ]
Even weirder, they were the only ones
who got to ask any questions.
And he goes, "Stop letting them talk!"
[ Laughs ]
"They´re talking turkeys. They´re very talented."
Before the ceremony, the White House actually
tweeted out profiles for each bird.
That was kind of cute. This is real.
Here´s a profile for Drumstick.
It says stuff like date of birth, height, wingspan.
[ Laughter ] Well, this is kind of weird.
After they met Trump, the turkeys actually
released a profile of him.
Take a look. First it says date of birth, June 14, 1946.
For height, it says 6´2",
and for height of tie, it says, 6´4".
[ Laughter ] -What?
-Next, for wingspan, it says 6 feet.
And for hand span, it says 3 inches.
Well, that´s different. [ Laughter and applause ]
For mating call, it says,
"Come on, Melania, I know you´re not really asleep."
[ Laughter and applause ] -What?!
That´s the mating call?!
-It´s what the --
It´s what the turkeys tweeted out!
What am I supposed to -- I didn´t write this.
-These turkeys are vicious. -I don´t know.
Finally, for bird call, it says, "Tweet tweet tweet."
That´s his -- That´s his bird call.
Interesting. [ Cheers and applause ]
Turkeys are unbelievable. -Wow.
He´s talking turkey.
-This made me laugh.
Today, MSNBC had a split screen to show Trump and the turkey,
but they caught Drumstick from kind of an awkward angle.
Take a look at this.
-Gobbler´s Rest -- beautiful place.
It´s custom built.
It´s an enclosure on the campus of Virginia Tech.
Tremendous school.
Mm. [ Laughter ]
People were like, "Get a load of this a-hole."
[ Laughter ]
"And that a-hole."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Big story here -- CBS just fired Charlie Rose
after allegations of sexual harassment.
Yep. They told him to clear out his desk,
put on some pants, and leave.
That´s what they said -- "Just do it. Just get out."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Meanwhile, LaVar Ball is refusing
to thank President Trump for getting his son
out of China after he was caught shoplifting.
He went on CNN to talk about it. Take a look.
-Are you gonna say "thank you" to me?
Are you gonna say "thank you" to me?
-At the end of this interview, I will thank you.
I guarantee you.
-No, are you gonna say "thank you" now?
Are you gonna thank me now? -You know why?
-Are you gonna thank me now? -Not yet.
You haven´t earned it yet. -Why you gonna thank me?
-Haven´t earned it yet.
-But, no, no, why you not gonna thank me?
-Haven´t earned it yet.
When you earn it, I´ll thank you.
-You like the word "thank you."
[ Laughter ]
-That went on for three more hours.
It was like, "What is happening right now?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
When LaVar couldn´t get Cuomo to thank him,
he tried to get him to thank someone else.
Watch this.
-Did you thank the doctor --
Did you thank the doctor for bringing you into this world?
-[ Laughing ]
-You better go back and find him, ´cause you lucky.
[ Laughter ]
-If there´s anyone who was talking
the minute they were born, it was probably LaVar Ball,
I would think. [ Laughter and applause ]
But after a pretty heated interview,
the two ended things on a lighter note.
Check this out.
-Why they call you Mo? -Cuomo.
Don´t be having no alias, man. -Cuomo. That´s why.
-Oh, that´s where the "Mo" came from?
Chris Mo?
-Cuomo, not Chris Mo, Cuomo. LaVar, get your head straight.
-Oh, Cuomo! Like Cuomo like Google.
Like the Google Chrome. [ Laughter ]
-All right, that´s it.
-That´s your hip-hop name in the hood, huh?
[ Laughter ]
-Chris Cuomo is like, "Am I having a stroke right now?
Like, what the hell is going on?"
There he is, the next President of the United States, everyone,
right there, LaVar Ball.
We have a great show tonight!
Give it up for The Roots, everybody!
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Trump Pardons Two Turkeys, Charlie Rose Fired for Sexual Harassment - Monologue

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