Weekend Update on a Cheating Scrabble Player

>>> THANKSGIVING IS NEXT WEEK, AND HERE WITH HIS UNIQUE TAKE ON
THE HOLIDAY IS VETERAN STAND-UP COMIC BRUCE CHANDLING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> OH, HEY.
NOW WHERE'S THE FOOD, DUDE? >> WELL, BRUCE, AS YOU KNOW,
THANKSGIVING ISN'T UNTIL NEXT THURSDAY.
>> NO, I KNOW. I'M JUST HUNGRY.
>> THANKS SO MUCH. BUT YOU GOTTA LOVE THANKSGIVING,
RIGHT? I LOVE THE STORY OF
THANKSGIVING. PILGRIMS COME TO AMERICA.
THEY ARE ON THIS BIG BOAT. BUT IT'S NOT AN EASY JOURNEY,
RIGHT? THEY GOTTA DEAL WITH THE COLD
WEATHER, CRAMPED QUARTERS, PEOPLE GETTING SICK, AND WORST
OF ALL, BAD SATELLITE RECEPTION WHEN THEY ARE TRYING THE WATCH
THE BIG GAME. >> I'M SORRY, YOU THINK THAT
PILGRIMS HAD TV, BUT WITH BAD RECEPTION?
>> EXACTLY. THE STAR OF THE SHOW IS THE BIG
MEAL, RIGHT? OF COURSE I AM A CORN ON COBB
GUY. YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?
>> YEAH. >> SEEN THIS?
I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THE STUFF. BUT THE INDIANS, THEY DON'T CALL
IT CORN. THEY CALL IT MAIZE.
AS IN, MAIZE I HAVE A SECOND HELPING?
>> OH, BRUCE. I DON'T LIKE THAT ONE AT ALL,
>> WHAT'S THE MATTER, MICHAEL, TOO CORNY?
>> PLEASE STOP. >> JUST 45 MINUTES LEFT.
THANKS FOR HELPING OUT A FELLOW COMIC.
IT MEANS A LOT TO ME. >> I THINK WE ARE PRETTY
DIFFERENT, ACTUALLY. OF COURSE, THE DAY AFTER
THANKSGIVING, THEY GOT BLACK FRIDAY.
SEEN THIS ONE? IT'S WHERE YOU GOT ALL THE DEALS
AT THE MINI MALL. >> MINI MALL?
>> PERSONALLY, I THINK THEY SHOULD CHANGE THE NAME FROM
BLACK FRIDAY TO BLACK AND BLUE FRIDAY.
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU ARE GOING TO LOOK IF YOU GET BETWEEN ME
AND THE HOTTEST NEW TOY. >> YOU ARE NOT ACTUALLY FIGHTING
PEOPLE FOR TOYS, ARE YOU? >> DON'T WORRY, MICHAEL.
I AIN'T. I MEAN, EVEN IF I GOT THE TOY, I
WOULDN'T HAVE ANYONE SPECIAL TO GIVE IT TO.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE A LITTLE BRUCE, YOU KNOW?
BUT I CAN'T. BECAUSE MY BODY DON'T WORK THAT
WAY. >> ALL RIGHT.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, BRUCE. >> PROBABLY FOR THE BEST.
I WOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.
I CAN'T GET A JOB. DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO WRITE
CURSIVE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T THINK YOU NEED TO KNOW CURSIVE TO GET A JOB.
>> THE PROBLEM IS, I DON'T KNOW NON-CURSIVE EITHER.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> BRUCE, YOU SHOULD REALLY TAKE
SOME CLASSES, MAN. WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER AND
CELEBRATE THANKSGIVING WITH ME AND MY FAMILY.
HOW ABOUT THAT? >> HMM.
I GUESS. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY?
WHERE'S THE FOOD, DUDE? >> THAT WAS THE WORST ONE YET.
BRUCE CHANDLING, EVERYBODY. >> HEY, STILL GOT 42 MINUTES
LEFT! >> NO, YOU'RE DONE.
YOU'RE DONE. >> I THINK HE'S GETTING BETTER.
>>> THE ASSOCIATION OF BRITISH SCRABBLE PLAYERS HAS BANNED A
STAR PLAYER FOR THREE YEARS AFTER HE WAS CAUGHT CHEATING.
IN RESPONSE THE PLAYER HAS RELEASED THIS STATEMENT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> A MAN IN ARIZONA IS CLAIMING
THAT HE CAN RELIEVE SINUS PRESSURE IN HIS NOSE BY
MASTURBATING. HE FIRST MADE THE CLAIM WHILE
POLICE WERE REMOVING HIM FROM THE BUS.
>>> THE MAKERS OF POKEMON GO ARE NOW DEVELOPING A SIMILAR GAME
BASED ON THE WORLD OF HARRY POTTER.
THE GAME WILL BE CALLED "HARRY POTTER AND THE KIDS WHO
WANDERED INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC." [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> WELL, 47 MILLION PEOPLE WILL TRAVEL THIS YEAR TO GET HOME FOR
THANKSGIVING. HERE WITH HIS THOUGHTS ON GOING
HOME FOR THE HOLIDAY IS PETE DAVIDSON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HELLO, COLIN.
HOW ARE YOU? >> I'M GOOD.
NOW PETE, SO YOU AND I ARE BOTH FROM STATEN ISLAND.
DO YOU PLAN ON GOING HOME FOR THANKSGIVING?
>> NO. I DON'T.
IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE MY FAMILY.
I DO. BUT AT THIS POINT THANKSGIVING
DINNER IS JUST A BUNCH OF PEOPLE ASKING ME WHAT KATE McKINNON IS
LIKE. AND I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW.
SHE NEVER TALKS TO ME. PLUS, I FEEL LIKE MY HOMETOWN
DOESN'T REALLY LIKE ME EITHER. >> WHY WOULDN'T THEY LIKE YOU?
PEOPLE THERE ARE SO NICE. >> OF COURSE YOU SAY THAT.
YOU'RE LIKE THE MOST POPULAR PERSON FROM THERE.
THIS IS HOW THEY WRITE ABOUT COLIN IN OUR HOMETOWN NEWSPAPER,
THE "STATEN ISLAND ADVANCE." "COLIN JOST TEES UP.
IT'S ABOUT THREE WEEKS 'TIL ELECTION, BUT YOU COULD NEVER
TELL BY COLIN JOST'S SWING." HERE'S HOW THEY WRITE ABOUT ME.
THIS IS A REVIEW OF A WEEKEND UPDATE APPEARANCE I DID.
"THE BEST PART ABOUT THIS ONE WAS HIS INTERACTION WITH
COLIN JOST." SERIOUSLY,
IT'S CRAZY. AND LOOK AT THE PICTURES THEY
USE OF YOU. RIGHT?
AND NOW LOOK AT THE PICTURES THEY USE OF ME.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WHY DO YOU THINK THEY DON'T
LIKE YOU? >> I HAVE NO IDEA.
I MEAN, IF I HAD TO GUESS, IT'S MAYBE SOMETHING I SAID IN AN
INTERVIEW ONCE, THAT I WISHED THAT WHEN
HURRICANE SANDY HIT STATEN ISLAND THAT IT HAD
"FINISHED THE JOB." >> I REMEMBER THAT ONE.
>> MAYBE I DID CROSS THE LINE. BUT WHEN A REPORTER FROM STATEN
ISLAND WROTE ABOUT IT IN THE POST, HERE'S WHAT HE SAID, KEEP
TALKING LIKE THAT, AND YOU WILL BE SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES.
THAT'S A DEATH THREAT. IN A NEWSPAPER.
WHO DOES THAT? WHAT ARE YOU, THE ZODIAC?
THEN HE SAID THIS -- "TRY TAKING A CUE FROM YOUR
FELLOW 'SNL' CAST MEMBER, COLIN&JOST.
HE'S ALSO WAY BETTER LOOKING THAN YOU."
>> I CAN SEE HOW WHAT YOU SAID MIGHT MAKE YOU UNPOPULAR.
>> IT WAS JUST A JOKE. BUT LIKE A SERIOUS JOKE.
YOU KNOW? YOU KNOW LIKE WHEN YOU ARE
JOKING BUT YOU MEAN IT? I DON'T EVEN FEEL THAT WAY
ANYMORE. I WOULD BE JUST AS HAPPY IF
THERE WAS NO HURRICANE AND STATEN ISLAND JUST FELL INTO THE
SEA. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> TAKE IT EASY. >> NO, NO.
SERIOUSLY -- NO. IF STATEN ISLAND IS SO
DESIRABLE, THEN WHY IS IT FREE TO GET THERE?
DON'T GET ME WRONG. DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I KNOW STATEN ISLAND ISN'T ALL HEROIN AND RACIST COPS.
IT ALSO HAS METH AND RACIST FIREFIGHTERS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WHAT YOU ARE DESCRIBING IS
NOT THE STATEN ISLAND I KNOW, PETE.
>> THAT'S BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU, BECAUSE YOU REPRESENT WHAT THEY
COULD BE. A KID WHO GOT OUT, WENT TO
HARVARD, AND IS NOW ACCORDING TO PEOPLE MAGAZINE, THE WORLD'S
SEXIEST JOKE WRITER. AND THE REASON STATEN ISLAND
HATES ME IS BECAUSE I REPRESENT WHAT THEY ARE.
YOU KNOW, A MENTALLY ILL COMMUNITY COLLEGE DROPOUT WHO
GOT A "GAME OF THRONES" TATTOO BEFORE WATCHING THE SHOW.
[ LAUGHTER ] DIRE WOLVES LOOK DOPE.
I DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
CONGRATS ON THAT SEXIEST GUY. >> YEAH, YEAH.
>> RELAX. OKAY.
LET'S BE HONEST. THE SEXIEST JOKE WRITER IS A
REALLY SPECIFIC CATEGORY. IT'S LIKE BEING THE WORLD'S
SMARTEST HORSE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> SO THEN YOU ARE NOT GOING HOME FOR THANKSGIVING?
>> OH, NO. I AM.
>> PETE DAVIDSON, EVERYONE. >> WHAT DID I SAY?
>> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE", I'M COLIN JOST.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE. GOODNIGHT!
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Weekend Update on a Cheating Scrabble Player - SNL

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