Jerusalem, God, And The United Shursh

NO, THAT'S ME!" SPEAKING OF SEXUAL HARASSERS WHO
SHOULD RESIGN TOMORROW, DONALD TRUMP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TODAY, TODAY, TRUMP MADE A BIG
ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT THE MIDDLE EAST.
>> I HAVE DETERMINED THAT IT IS JERUSALEM AS THE CAPITAL OF
ISRAEL.
>> Stephen: YES, HE RECOGNIZED IT IN A SPEECH, BUT I'M STILL
PRETTY SURE HE COULDN'T RECOGNIZE IT ON A MAP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"WHICH ONE IS IT?
IS IT THE LITTLE ONE?" NOW, THIS DECLARATION COULD
INFLAME THE ENTIRE REGION.
JERUSALEM IS A HOLY CITY TO THREE WORLD RELIGIONS, AND
BOTH PALESTINIANS AND ISRAELIS CLAIM IT AS THEIR CAPITAL.
EVERY INCH IS DISPUTED.
THEY EVEN HAD TO DRAW A LINE DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE SIX-PIECE
McNUGGETS AT THE JERUSALEM McDONALD'S.
THEY'RE STILL FIGHTING OVER THE GAZA CHICKEN STRIP.
"GOD ORDAINED HONEY MUSTARD.
BARBECUE SAUCE IS A SHONDA."
PART OF THE CONFLICT IS OVER WHO CONTROLS THE SACRED SITES FOR
BOTH RELIGIONS AT THE TEMPLE MOUNT, WHICH, LIKE TRUMP, HAS A
GOLDEN DOME AND SPARKS HOLY WARS.
BUT TRUMP EXPLAINED WHY HE DID IT.
>> THIS IS NOTHING MORE OR LESS, THAN A RECOGNITION OF REALITY.
>> Stephen: WHY START NOW?
AND HE MANAGED-- HE MANAGED TO GET EVERY WORD IN THE SPEECH
RIGHT, EXCEPT THE LAST ONE.
>> GOD BLESS YOU.
GOD BLESS ISRAEL.
GOD BLESS THE PALESTINIANS, AND GOD BLESS THE UNITED STSHH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I COULD WATCH
THAT--( LAUGHTER )
I COULD-- CAN WE SEE IT AGAIN?
CAN WE SEE IT AGAIN?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JIM, PLEASE, THE PEOPLE.
>> GOD BLESS YOU.
GOD BLESS ISRAEL.
GOD BLESS THE PALESTINIANS, AND GOD BLESS THE UNITED STSHH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I AM REALLY
LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS JANUARY 30.
WE'RE LIVE WHEN TRUM ADDRESSES A JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS FOR
THE SHTSHH OF THE UNION.
"MY FELLOW AMERICANS THE STSSH OF OUR UNION IS CLEAR.
HUMINNA-HUMINNA-HUMINNA!
GET OFF!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FREPH-- FREPH.
THE CAPPER IT'S CAPPER OF CAPPERS, TRUMP THEN SIGNED THE
ORDER THAT WILL FURTHER DIVIDE MUSLIMS AND JEWS SURROUNDED BY
CHRISTMAS TREES.
♪ PEACE TALKS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE ♪
BECAUSE THE MOVE WAS OPPOSED BY FRANCE, THE U.K., GERMANY,
RUSSIA, CHINA, SAUDI ARABIA, TURKEY, SYRIA, AND THE POPE--
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS-- BUT DONALD TRUMP IS REALLY
BRINGING THE WORLD TOGETHER!
( LAUGHTER ) AND IN RESPONSE, PALESTINIANS
HAVE DECLARED THREE DAYS OF RAGE.
AFTER THAT, THEY'LL GO BACK TO THEIR NORMAL WEEKS OF SEETHING.
BUT DESPITE THE CRITICISM, TRUMP SAID HE WAS STILL COMMITTED TO
THE MIDEAST PEACE PROCESS.
>> ABOVE ALL, OUR GREATEST HOPE IS FOR PEACE.
PEACE IS NEVER BEYOND THE GRASP OF THOSE WILLING TO REACH IT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
WHEN YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT, THEY LET YOU GRAB IT BY THE PEACE-Y.
( LAUGHTER ) SO HE'S GIVEN HIS REASONS, BUT
WHY IS TRUMP REALLY DO THIS?
IN PART MAYBE TO FULFILL A CAMPAIGN PROMISE HE MADE TO
RIGHT-WING AND PRO-ISRAEL GROUPS, AND BIG DONORS LIKE
CASINO MAGNATE AND MAN LITERALLY SWEATING HIS FACE OFF, SHELDON
ADELSON.
BUT TRUMP COULD ALSO BE SHORING UP SUPPORT AMONG EVANGELICALS
BECAUSE MANY EVANGELICALS BELIEVE JEWS MUST RETURN TO THE
BIBLICAL LAND OF ISRAEL TO FACILITATE A SECOND COMING OF
CHRIST.
SO IS THIS TRULY?
WILL RECOGNIZING JERUSALEM AS THE CAPITAL OF ISRAEL HASTEN THE
RETURN OF JESUS?
>> NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: GOD!
IT'S THE LORD, EVERYONE!
GIVE IT UP!
>> HEY, EVERYBODY, WHAT'S UP?
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
>> Stephen: REALLY?
HAPPY HOLIDAYS?
>> YEAH, YOU GOT TO KEEP IT VAGUE.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO.
COULD BE BUDDHISTS OUT THERE.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY, MERRY NOTHINGNESS?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: GOD-- HE'S VERY
FORGIVING.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU GOING TO SEND JESUS BACK TO JERUSALEM?
>> ARE YOU CRAZY?!
I'M NOT GOING TO SEND MY SON INTO THAT TINDERBOX!
DIDN'T GO SO WELL LAST TIME.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WILL YOU BE GOING BACK TO THE HOLY CITY?
>> NO WAY.
I'M NOT EVEN SURE IT'S MY HOLY CITY ANYMORE.
I'M THINKING OF MOVING IT TO SOMEWHERE MORE LAID BACK, LIKE
AUSTIN.
IT'S MY FAVORITE CITY IN THE WHOLE UNITED SHSST.
>> Stephen: GOD, EVERYBODY!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
ED HELMS IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE HOTTEST HOLIDAY
GIFTS.
DON'T MISS IT.
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Jerusalem, God, And The United Shursh

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