One Week Older, Mueller's Holiday Gift Guide

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW, EVERYBODY.
SO, THERE YOU HAVE IT.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
WE'VE FINISHED ANOTHER WEEK OF 2017, WHICH I THINK MAKES IT A
MILLION?
ANYWAY, LET'S TAKE A FOND LOOK BACK AT THE BEST OF THIS WEEK'S
"LATE SHOW."
WELL, IT FEELS LIKE CHRISTMAS IS HERE, COURTESY OF ROBERT MUELLER
COMING DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH A SACK FULL OF SUBPOENAS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MR. PRESIDENT, I GOT YOU AN
EARLY CHRISTMAS GIFT, TOO.
I JUST HOPE THEY'RE NOT TOO BIG ON YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> FLYNN COULD AVOID JAIL TIME
BY PARTICIPATING IN COVERT LAW ENFORCEMENT ACTIVITIES, SUCH AS
WEARING A WIRE.
"MICHAEL FLYNN, A VERY GOOD GUY, GREAT LISTENER.
SOMETIMES--( LAUGHTER )
SOMETIMES HE ASKS ME TO SAY THINGS TWO OR THREE TIMES
DIRECTLY INTO HIS CORSAGE.
VERY NICE.
SO THOUGHT."
>> THERE'S SO MUCH SEXUAL HARASSMENT HAPPENING OVER THE
PAST COUPLE OF CENTURIES( LAUGHTER )
JUST ALL THESE BRAND-NEW ALLEGATIONS FROM THE BEGINNING
OF TIME.
I THINK IT'S ACTUALLY IN THE BIBLE.
THEY WERE LIKE, "AND ON THE THIRD DAY, GOD WAS LIKE 'HEY,
SUGAR (BLEEP)!
'."
>> KIRSTEN JILLEN BRAND IS CALLING ON SENATOR AL FRANKEN TO
RESIGN.
>> UP TO EIGHT.
>> NINE OR 10.
>> 28,.
>> 30.
>> Stephen: I DO HAVE 31, 32, 33-- SOLD TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE
GENTLEMAN FROM ALABAMA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> WE DON'T WANT TO HAVE A
LIBERAL DEMOCRAT IN ALABAMA, BELIEVE ME.
WE WANT STRONG BORDERS.
WE WANT STOPPING CRIME.
>> Stephen: "YES, WE WANT STOPPING CRIME.
WE JUST NOT WANT STOPPING SEXUAL ASSAULT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MOORE-- THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
>> >> I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO SAY
THAT'S NOT ME ON THE BUS.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU DON'T GET TO SAY THAT.
BECAUSE I WAS THERE.
AND THE LAST 14 MONTHS OF MY LIFE I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH
IT, AND YOU DEALT WITH IT FOR 14 MINUTES AND WENT ON TO BE THE
PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
DON'T GIVE AWAY THE ENDING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> IT IS TIME TO OFFICIALLY
RECOGNIZE JERUSALEM AS THE CAPITAL OF ISRAEL.
>> Stephen: YES.
HE RECOGNIZED IT IN A SPEECH, BUT I'M STILL PRETTY SURE HE
COULDN'T TROIZ ON A MAP( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"WHICH ONE IS IT?
IS IT THE LITTLE ONE?" >> I THINK THAT WE'RE IN A
SITUATION WHERE YOU HAVE A PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
WHO JUST DOESN'T BELIEVE IN THE FIRST AMENDMENT.
HE DOESN'T BELIEVE-- HE HAS LIKE A PEANUT ALLERGY TO FACTS AND
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.
SO, LITERALLY, IF YOU JUST SAY THINGS THAT ARE TRUE, HE GETS
MAD.
>> Stephen: CNN SHOULD HAVE A LABEL BEFORE EVERY SHOW THAT
SAYS, "PROCESSED IN A FACTORY THAT ALSO PROCESSES
INFORMATION."
>> I ADORED "LADY BIRD.
"T" HAS EVERYTHING US ARTISTIC TYPES LOVE-- SMOKING, DRINKING,
AND AN ACTRESS WITH AN UNPRONOUNCABLE NAME.
>> I REMEMBER A FEW YEARS AGO I WAS IN THE AIRPORT AND BEING
PICKED UP BY SOMEONE AND THEY HAVE YOUR NAMES ON THE BOARD AND
I WAS SCANNING THROUGH AND I THOUGHT I CAN'T FIND MY NAME
ANYWHERE.
IT'S AS YOU MISSPELLED AND I WAS LOOKING FOR THIS MASSIVE TYPO.
AND I LOOKED THROUGH, AND I SCANNED AGAIN, AND I SAW A BOARD
THAT JUST SAID, "SHELLY RONAN."
AND I SAID, "THAT'S ME.
SHELLY IT IS."
>> I MISS GOING INTO A ROOM AND BEGGING THEM TO HIRE ME.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
YOU MISS AUDITIONS.
BECAUSE I WAS A YOUNG ACTOR AT ONE POINT, AND AUDITIONS ARE
TERRIBLE.
>> I LOVE THEM!
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> YES!
>> Stephen: ABOUT LET ME GIVE YOU A TASTE.
YOU DON'T GET THESE ANYMORE?
>> I HAVEN'T BEEN ONE TO A WHILE, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: GREAT, THANKS, IS IT SUSAN.
>> IT'S SARAH.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS GREAT, THAT WAS WONDERFUL.
>> I'D LIKE TO GO AGAIN.
>> Stephen: I THINK WE GOT IT.
>> I'D LIKE TO GO AGAIN.
>> Stephen: YOU MADE SOME REALLY, SO SUPER SPECIFIC
CHOICES.
>> I'M NOT LEAVING.
>> Stephen: REALLY, GREAT?
HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
SECURITY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK, EVERYBODY.
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One Week Older, Mueller's Holiday Gift Guide

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