R.I.P. The Internet

WELCOME, WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, EVERYBODY.
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU KNOW, DONALD TRUMP -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SAY HELLO TO JEAN-BAPTISTE RIGHT THERE AND THE WHOLE BAND.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Stephen: THAT OUTFIT IS
AMAZING.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE WRAPPED FOR CHRISTMAS YOURSELF RIGHT
THERE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I LIKE THE TURTLENECK, IT IS VERY PAUL
NEWMAN.
>> I HAVE GOT TO DO IT AND STAY CLASSY.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS HAPPENING?
OH, DONALD TRUMP, DONALD TRUMP AS WE KNOW OUR PRESIDENT LIKES
TO STAY BUSY LOOKING.
AND TODAY HE HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE WHERE HE BRAGGED
ABOUT ALL OF THE REGULATIONS HE IS CUTTING AND CELEBRATED WITH A
TWEET.
IN 1960, THERE WERE APPROXIMATELY 20,000 PAGES IN
THE CODE OF FEDERAL REGULATIONS.
TODAY THERE ARE OVER 185,000 PAGES.
TODAY, WE CUT THE RED TAPE.
IT IS TIME TO SET FREE OUR DREAMS!
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT "FREE OUR DREAMS" BUT
ABOUT A YEAR AGO, I DID SEND MY DREAMS TO LIVE ON A FARM
UPSTATE.
THEY ARE HAPPIER THERE.
AND HE ATTACHED A VIDEO OF HIMSELF IN THE ROOSEVELT ROOM
CELEBRATING BY CUTTING THROUGH A GIANT RED RIBBON.
CAN WE SEE THAT FROM ANOTHER ANGLE?
SO ON THE LEFT THERE, THE BOTTOM LEFT YOU HAVE GOT 1960'S
REGULATIONS AND THE RIBBON IS A GRAPH SHOWING THEM RISING TOWARD
TODAY, BUT IT'S ALSO REPRESENTING GOVERNMENT RED
TAPE, AND AN ACTUAL CEREMONIAL RED RIBBON THAT HE IS CUTTING TO
OFFICIALLY OPEN THE IDEA OF IT ENDING ITSELF.
APPARENTLY, HE IS ELIMINATING THE DEPARTMENT OF VISUAL
METAPHORS AS WELL.
SPEAKING OF ENDING REGULATIONS, DOES ANYBODY HERE USE THE
INTERNET?
ANYBODY?
YEAH, OKAY.
IF YOU DON'T, IT'S GREAT.
YOU SHOULD GOOGLE IT.
IT IS FANTASTIC.
BUT IT'S A SAD DAY FOR US WEB KATERRS, THE UNINTER-NAUTS,
BECAUSE EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON THE FCC VOTED TO REPEAL NET
NEUTRALITY.
>> WHAT THAT REALLY MEANS REPEALING REGULATIONS THAT
PREVENTED YOUR INTERNET PROVIDER FROM BLOCKING CERTAIN WEBSITES
OR SLOWING DOWN YOUR DATA.
NOW THEY CAN.
AND THAT'S WRONG.
BECAUSE THE ONLY THING THAT SHOULD SLOW YOUR INTERNET SPEED
IS THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ALSO SITTING AT STARBUCKS WORKING ON
THEIR SCREEN PLAYS.
YES.
THANK YOU.
UNTIL THIS AFTERNOON, THE RULES PROHIBITED BROADBAND PROVIDERS
FROM STRIKING SPECIAL DEALS THAT WOULD GIVE SOME WEBSITES OR APPS
PRIORITY OVER OTHERS.
SO NOW A BIG PLAYER LIKE GOOGLE COULD MAKE THEIR SITE LOAD
FASTER THAN A SMALLER ONE LIKE ETSY WHICH IS BAD NEWS FOR MY
ETSY SHOP, STEVE'S SLEEVES.
SOME PEOPLE SELL SHIRTS WITH THE SLEEVES CUT OFF.
STEVE EASELS SLEEVES WITH THE SHIRTS CUT OFF.
STEVE'S SLEEVES, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO NOT BARE ARMS.
NOW, STEVE'S SLEEVES FANS, RIGHT THERE.
STEVE'S SLEEVES.
BY KILLING NET NEUTRALITIES, INTERNET PROVIDERS CAN BASICALLY
DO WHATEVER THEY WANT, AS LONG AS THEY DISCLOSE TO THEIR USERS
WHAT EXACTLY THEY DO TO WEB TRAFFIC.
SO GET READY FOR MORE FINE PRINT FROM YOUR INTERNET PROVIDER.
AT LEAST YOU WILL HAVE SOMETHING TO READ WHILE YOU WAIT FOR
WEBSITES TO LOAD.
BUT DON'T WORRY, FOLKS, BIG COMPANIES LIKE VERIZON AND
COMCAST, WHO HAVE SPENT MILLIONS OF DOLLARS LOBBYING TO BE ABLE
TO BLOCK, SLOW DOWN OR PRIORITIZE ANY WEB TRAFFIC ARE
ASSURING THEIR CUSTOMERS THAT THEY DO NOT INTEND TO BLOCK,
SLOW DOWN OR PRIORITIZE ANY WEB TRAFFIC.
ALSO, THE SHARK LOBBY SAYS, THEY DON'T INTEND TO EAT PEOPLE, EVEN
THOUGH THEY HAVE SPENT MILLIONS LOBBYING TO VIRTUAL THEIR MOUTHS
RECLASSIFIED AS SLEEPING BAGS.
THIS IS WHAT IS CO, IT LOOKS COZY IN THERE.
THIS IS A REAL HOT BUTTON ISSUE, AS EVIDENCED BY THE FACT THAT
THE FCC RECEIVED 22 MILLION PUBLIC COMMENTS, BUT AN
INVESTIGATION HAS REVEALED AS MANY AS 2 MILLION OF THOSE
COMMENTS WERE FAKE AND HALF A -- HALF A MILLION ORIGINATED FROM
RUSSIAN E-MAIL ADDRESSES.
COME ON, RUSSIA, CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE AMERICA ALONE?
GO RIG THE WINNER OF NORWAY'S GOT TALENT OR SOMETHING.
BUT THE FCC WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE KILLING NET NEUTRALITY IS A GOOD
IDEA, SO THEY SENT OUT FCC CHAIRMAN AND BIG AND TALL TOOTH
MODEL, AJIT PAI.
AND PAI PUT OUT A VIDEO CALLED SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN STILL DO ON
THE INTERNET AFTER NET NEUTRALITY TO SHOW ALL THE COOL
MILLENNIALS OUT THERE THAT DEREGULATION IS SUPER LIT.
HERE ARE JUST A FEW OF THE THINGS YOU WILL STILL BE ABLE TO
DO ON THE INTERNET AFTER THESE OBAMA ERA REGULATIONS ARE
REPEALED.
YOU CAN STILL GRAM YOUR FOOD.
YOU CAN STILL SHOP FOR ALL OF YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS ONLINE.
YEAH.
GOT A BULK DEAL ON FIDGET SPINNERS.
YOU CAN STILL DRIVE YOUR FAVORITE MESSAGES RIGHT INTO THE
GROUND.
AND, YOU KNOW, AS A WEALTHY MIDDLE-AGED MAN WHO BENEFITS
WHEN GIANT MEDIA CORPORATIONS GET THEIR WAY, I JUST WANT TO
ADD, -- REPEALING NET NEUTRALITY IS TOTALLY WOKE, MY CHICKEN
NUGGET TEENS.
SZECHUAN SAUCE, AVOCADO SELFIE.
I THINK WHAT I SAID MEANS SOMETHING.
OF COURSE --
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R.I.P. The Internet

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