Roy Moore Unveils New Campaign Slogans

-The big story here -- the International
Olympic Committee just announced that it has banned Russia
from competing in the 2018 Winter Olympics
because of doping violations.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
Or as Putin put it, "Hello, Donald.
Is time to return favor."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Yes, let's get going."
That's right -- Russia was banned from the Olympics.
But Russia doesn't mind.
They said they'll just invade some other teams.
They don't care. [ Laughter and applause ]
It's very interesting.
Athletes from Russia can still participate,
but they won't get credit for winning any medals.
Yeah, Olympic events that don't matter,
or as most people call it, curling.
Hey! [ Laughter ]
-Hey! -Hey!
-What? -Wait a second.
-Curling? -I like curling.
I love curling. -You love it?
-I think that might be my sport. [ Laughter ]
It's where you throw the -- you throw the --
There's a name for it. -Stone.
-Stone? Is that right?
-I think so.
I think they call it a curling stone.
-I don't know how they came up with that name, but...
[ Laughter ]
Throw the stone down, and then --
-Dudes in front of it brush it.
-They brush it, and, uh, yeah.
-Everybody wins. -It's a great thing.
[ Laughter ] I'm in, I'm in.
U.S.A., baby! -Yeah.
-Let's go! Let's take it! [ Cheers and applause ]
-Curling! -Curling, this is the year!
-This is the year, baby. -Let's go U.S.A.!
Let's focus!
Curling is what we want to take the gold this year.
Guys, some news out of Washington --
Robert Mueller issued a subpoena to Deutsche Bank
for documents on its relationship
with President Trump.
Trump couldn't believe it.
He said, "I thought it was pronounced Douche Bank."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"It was funny. That's why I joined."
[ Laughter ]
"I've been a proud card-carrying Douche since 1987."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Deutsche!
-Deutsche!
-But today at the White House, Trump was talking about
the House and Senate coming together on the tax bill,
and he used a very interesting word to describe it.
Listen to this.
-We had a choice. We could've gone directly
for a vote, and we decided that
let's put it into the conference and let's come out
with something where everything is perfecto.
[ Laughter ]
-Looks like that Rosetta Stone is finally paying off.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Perfecto!
"We should all go to the biblioteca to read about it."
[ Laughter ]
Oh, here's another big story.
Trump is now fully endorsing
Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore
even though there are allegations
that he harassed underage girls.
'Course, a lot of people are up in arms,
and joining us now to talk about it
is the candidate himself, Roy Moore.
Thank you for joining us, Roy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey.
Thank you for letting me do this via satellite there, Jimmy.
I'm not allowed anywhere near the Rockefeller Christmas tree.
-Oh, all right, okay.
Tell us, please, what do you have to say
about President Trump endorsing you,
in light of all the allegations?
-Well, I'm shocked.
These are some serious and disturbing allegations
against Donald Trump, and, frankly,
I do not want to be associated with this fella at all.
-No, wait, wait. I'm sorry, wait.
You don't want to be associated with him?
-Hell no!
That's why I'm rejecting his endorsement.
I think that he is a -- he's immature, he's annoying,
he's gossipy, he's like a -- he's like a teenage girl,
but in a bad way.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-All right.
I-I-I'm not sure how much longer I want to talk to you here.
-Well, come on, I mean, look at my cowboy hat.
-Yeah, I know.
-I'm like Billy the...Kid molester.
[ Laughter ]
-Hey, look, I think that's enough.
That's enough, I think, from you.
-Let me just run real quick --
Let me run a couple of campaign slogans by you.
What do you think?
-Okay, fine, fine, go ahead.
-All right, here we go. All right, first one.
Roy Moore -- I dress like this
'cause I can't go to the mall to get new clothes.
-All right, okay. Okay. Okay, that's --
-Hang on, now. Next one is even better.
Roy Moore -- Don't Google me!
-Okay, that's your slogan -- that's your slogan?
-And, finally, let me wrap it up here, ready?
Roy Moore -- if 2017 was a person, it'd be me.
-There you go, that is enough. Can we cut his feed?
Cut his feed right there.
-See you at the food court, Jimmy!
-All right, thank you very much. Cut his feed there.
Roy Moore, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Roy Moore.
-We cut his feed. -Cut that feed!
[ Laughter ]
-This is very nice here.
I read about a 22-year-old man who met an 81-year-old woman
who he's been playing "Words with Friends" with
for over a year.
The woman called it a lovely experience,
while the man said,
"I just got catfished by an 81-year-old. Wow!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
A little sports news here.
After going 2 and 10 this season,
the Giants have fired coach Ben McAdoo
and General Manager Jerry Reese.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, if you're wondering what happened to Ben and Jerry,
they're probably on the couch
eating some Ben & Jerry's right now.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And, finally, you guys, a woman in Virginia says
that she found a million-dollar winning lottery ticket
in her husband's backpack.
She said it almost makes up for the fact that she's married
to a grown man who still wears a backpack.
We have a great show tonight! Give it up for The Roots!
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Roy Moore Unveils New Campaign Slogans - Monologue

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