Sen. Cory Gardner Explains GOP Tax Bill Confusion, Trump Tweets Alarm Clock

-Well, here's what people are talking about, you guys.
What a crazy weekend in Washington.
First, former National Security Adviser
Michael Flynn cut a plea deal with Robert Mueller,
and then the Senate passed the GOP tax bill.
I tried to follow it on the news,
but all the anchors have been fired for sexual harassment.
-Really? -So I couldn't see anything.
-I don't know what's going on.
That's right -- Michael Flynn agreed to a plea deal
with Robert Mueller, and it came out that the FBI
is investigating everyone in the White House,
all the way to the top.
Trump was like, "Oh, my God. They're investigating Putin?
I can't belie--" Everybody, everybody.
Everybody! [ Laughter and applause ]
That's right -- Flynn cut a deal
and is now working with the investigation.
So I guess after helping Trump transition into the White House,
he's helping transition him out. That's very interesting.
[ Cheers and applause ]
He does everything.
Oh, and get this -- Trump might have incriminated himself
when he tweeted that he had to fire Flynn
because he lied to Mike Pence and the FBI.
You could tell Trump was scared,
'cause his next tweet was like, #JKLOL.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Doesn't fix the problem.
But after Trump posted the tweet,
the White House claimed it was actually written
by Trump's lawyer.
Then Trump saw how many retweets it got
and was like, "Never mind. I wrote it!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah, I guess a lot of people retweeted my stuff."
As I said, the other big story is that,
early Saturday morning, Senate Republicans
passed their tax plan.
They said, "We realize doing this in the dead of night
makes us look sneaky, corrupt, and dishonest.
Anyway, have a great weekend."
[ Laughter and applause ]
But the bill's drawn lots of criticism.
Experts say it'll ruin healthcare,
cause problems for the elderly,
and add over $1 trillion to the deficit.
Trump's Cabinet was like, "Whew! Thank God we're going to jail.
I mean, could you imagine if we had to live in this world?"
[ Applause ]
And Senate Democrats went after Republicans
for making a bunch of handwritten changes
to the tax-reform bill just hours before voting on it.
You could barely read some of them.
This is a real photo. Take a look at this.
Yeah.
You can't really tell what the writing says.
Well, we want some answers, so here now, via satellite,
from Washington, is one of the people who voted for the bill.
Please welcome Republican Senator Cory Gardner.
Cory. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you. -Yeah.
Now, Senator, you voted for this bill,
but a lot of people have been saying that all these scribbles
were impossible to read.
-Well, to be perfectly frank, it's a lot clearer
and more straightforward than what people are saying.
-Okay. Then, can you please tell us what those changes said?
-Absolutely.
One example is article 19, section B,
which clearly states that our tax bill
will significantly lower taxes
for agripolental redudicratic convorpulations.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm sorry. Lower taxes for what?
-It will lower taxes for all
ambula-rental chromosomatic compulnacations.
[ Laughter ]
-I have no idea what you just said.
-Well, it's very straightforward.
[ Laughter ]
-Fine. Can you give me another example?
-Sure. Article 273, section D,
very plainly indicates that any individual may claim a deduction
for interest paid on accumulated combustion muffins.
-Accumulated combustion muffins?
-Choreographed dolphin fluffin'.
[ Laughter ]
-Dolphin fluffin'? -Exactly.
It allows deductions for computer-agitated corgi puzzles.
[ Laughter ]
-Repeat what you just said.
-Gastrointestinal strudel noodles.
-Senator Gardner, I'm starting to suspect
that you have no clue
what the very bill you signed actually says.
-[ Laughs ] Of course I do.
-Then say it slowly so I can repeat it.
-Well, this is very childish, but fine.
[ Clears throat ] Our bill cuts the tax rate...
-Our bill cuts the tax rate...
-...for anyone who... -...for anyone who...
-...nerd twerdle covfefe Kardashian.
-All right, get out of here! Cory Gardner, everybody.
Nerd twerdle?
Nerd twerdle? -What?
-Nerd twerdle.
-Cory Gardner, everybody. Cory Gardner -- there he is.
-Wow. In the halls of Congress.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's also -- It's also pretty big.
This morning, Trump endorsed Toy Moore with a tweet, saying,
"We need Roy Moore to win Alabama."
Turns out Trump has been tweeting so much in the morning,
it's actually inspired a new product.
Take a look at this.
-Do you have trouble waking up in the morning?
Need an extra jolt to get out of bed?
Then try the all-new Trump Tweets Alarm Clock,
the only alarm clock that wakes you up
by reading Trump's latest insane tweets,
which happen every day at like 6:00 a.m.
[ Whistle ]
-We need Roy Moore to win in Alabama.
[ Whistle ]
The Russia investigation is a witch hunt.
[ Whistle ] I'm getting rid of Alaska.
It's just a big, cold Hawaii.
-The Trump Tweets Alarm Clock.
Crazy never sleeps!
[ Cheers and applause ] -For the holiday season.
-Yeah, for the holidays.
[ Applause ]
-Some business news -- I read that CVS
will buy the healthcare company Aetna for about $69 billion.
It's so much money, they have to wait for a manager
to come press a button on the self-checkout machine.
You know what I'm talking about? [ Applause ]
"Ah."
That's right, CVS is buying Aetna for $69 billion.
But when the CVS chairman got home, his wife said,
"Oh, man, I had a coupon for that."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"You should have told me you were buying Aetna!"
This made me laugh -- The Pontiac Silverdome
was set to be demolished in Detroit yesterday.
It was supposed to be a big explosion.
Everyone came to watch.
Let's see how it turned out.
[ Explosions ]
[ Laughter ]
Oops. [ Laughter ]
What were they using to blow it up?
Diet Coke and Mentos?
[ Laughter and applause ]
You guys, we have a great show tonight.
Give it up for The Roots!
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Sen. Cory Gardner Explains GOP Tax Bill Confusion, Trump Tweets Alarm Clock - Monologue

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