Terrorists, You Can't Make The NYC Commute Any Worse

FRIENDS, WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
(APPLAUSE) YOU KNOW-- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD TO HEAR YOU IN A GOOD MOOD, SCARY MORNING IN NEW YORK CITY.
A MAN SET OFF AN IMPROVISED BOMB IN THE SUBWAY NEAR THE PORT
AUTHORITY.
LUCKILY NONE OF THE BYSTANDERS WERE SERIOUSLY HURT AND THE
POLICE GOT THE GUY.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YEAH, ISN'T THAT NICE?
THE MAN IS IN CUSTODY RIGHT NOW.
THE SUSPECT WHO WAS BANGLADESHI IS 27 AND LIVES IN BROOKLYN SO
HE USED ONLY LOCALLY SOURCED HANDMADE ARTISANAL BOMB PARTS.
(LAUGHTER) PROBABLY A PICKLE IN THERE
SOMEWHERE.
BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO THIS GUY.
SERIOUSLY?
YOU TRIED TO TERRORIZE NEW YORK SUBWAY COMMUTERS?
NICE TRY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NICE TRY.
NEW YORK COMMUTERS DON'T EVEN FLINCH WHEN THE SUBWAY BRAKE
DANCERS KICK TWO INCHES AWAY FROM THEIR FACE.
THEY HAVE TO BATTLE RATS FOR THE SEAT WHICH FOR THE RECORD YOU
SHOULD ONLY GIVE UP IF THE RAT IS PREGNANT.
COME ON!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: COME ON.
YOU, YOU TRIED TO S OW CHAOS AND CONFUSION IN THE PORT AUTHORITY
BUS STATION?
THAT IS THE NORMAL STATE OF AFFAIRS AT THE PORT AUTHORITY
BUS STATION.
THERE IS A PRETTY GOOD CHANCE YOUR LITTLE EXPLOSION MAY HAVE
SCOURED SOME OF THE GRIME OFF THE WALL, THANKS, THE NOW YOU'RE
GOING TO JAIL FOR A LONG, LONG, LONG TIME AND ALL NEW YORKERS
WANT TO KNOW IS, DOES THAT MEAN YOUR APARTMENT IS FREE AND IS IT
RENT CONTROLLED?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YOU TRIED TO TERRORIZE NEW YORK AND YOU
FAILED.
WE'RE STRONGER THAN THAT, THE WORST YOU DID WAS MAKE THE
SUBWAYS RUN LATE.
AND THE MTA DOES THAT JUST FINE WITHOUT YOUR HELP.
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Terrorists, You Can't Make The NYC Commute Any Worse

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