The Ultimate Masterclass In How To Be A Family

- Now, there are two options here.
She's either kidnapped, or she's dead.
Hi, I'm mom.
- I'm dad.
- I'm you're teenage son.
- I'm your aunt.
- And I'm grandpa.
And welcome to my masterclass.
- Thank you.
Okay.
Always read the paper.
Every morning you read the paper, like it or not.
I don't care if you actually read it,
just look at it, fantasize about that time that you,
I don't know, made out with Jenny Weissman
back in the 10th grade, doesn't bother me.
- Always go big with your threats.
I'm gonna friggin' kill myself!
I'm never gonna talk to you again!
All those are good ones.
You should always have tissues and moisturizer
on your bedside table for dry skin and a runny nose.
- I love wine.
And my fridge magnets reflect that.
This one says, "What's your superpower?
"I make wine disappear."
(laughing)
- You've got to remember, you're the mom.
Not their friend.
Though you should pretend to be their friend
on social media.
See, Caroline thinks I'm a boy named Mike McNevin
on Snapchat.
Now I know exactly where she is.
All the time.
(chair creaking)
- Phew!
- Always be super vague about what exactly you do
for a living.
This way, you can always fall back on the excuse,
I gotta get some work done.
- Throw a serious fit when your dad won't let you go
to Jamie's party just 'cause his parents aren't home.
Who cares?
I'm 13.
- There's a certain formula to texting your kids.
They will never answer the first text.
Never.
Second text, you guilt them.
Third text, passive aggressive.
They don't answer that?
You call them 10 times.
- Hey, how much you need for the movies, kid?
- [Man Pouring Wine] Just say when.
- Mm-mm.
- Write all your secrets down.
Tie it to a balloon, and you just let it go.
Very therapeutic.
- Let me tell you, there is no guidebook to parenting.
But now there is masterclass.
- It's 11 Dollars.
(exhales)
- Try cigarettes.
But whatever you do, don't cough.
Once you're done, use your mom's perfume
to cover it up.
(coughing)
- Learn the slang.
Hey Nathan, I heard school was lit today.
(sighing)
Oh!
Oh, you guys hear that?
- [Man] No, I don't hear anything.
- Exactly.
Okay, wash the car.
Always.
Oh, it's already clean.
Big frickin' deal, all right?
You wash it again.
- "All you need is love
"and a glass of wine"!
(laughing)
(humming)
- See you later, alligator.
Okay.
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The Ultimate Masterclass In How To Be A Family

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