Trump's 12 Cokes of Christmas, Elf on the Shelf Hits the ER

-Here's what people are talking about.
Did you guys see this?
The New York Times says that each day President Trump
watches eight hours of TV and drinks 12 Diet Cokes.
[ Laughter ]
Sounds less like the president,
more like a college kid who just got home for winter break.
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Can I have another one, ma?"
[ Laughter ]
"Can I watch 'Riverdale,' Mom?" No.
[ Laughter ]
12 Diet Cokes a day, and depending on how many he's had,
it really changes Trump's behavior.
Here, I'll show you what I mean. Watch this.
-Thank you very much. Thank you.
Sit down, please. Beautiful hats.
Hey, look, I'm president. I don't care.
Being president gives you great power, right?
Don't ask me questions like that.
You're not a very good reporter doing that.
Bye! Go home to mommy. Go home to mommy.
No, get those lights off! Off!
Turn them off, they're too -- they're too bright!
Turn off the lights!
The American dream is dead.
Period, cut.
Bing, bing, bong, and dat.
Hello.
And God bless the United Shtates.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-The 12 -- the 12 Diet Cokes of Christmas.
"The United Shtates. The United Shtates."
Oh, it was the best.
People are still talking about the speech Trump made last week
where he had some trouble talking.
We just showed it, so...
-The United Shtates.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
The White House says it was due to dry mouth.
Dry mouth? -Yeah, sure.
-But whatever it was,
it didn't stop Trump from working over the weekend.
He still recorded a robo call
for Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore.
Listen to this.
He's gonna ride a horse? Horse! -A horse to the polls?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-He's gonna ride a horse to the polls.
A lot of people are excited for this.
The movie "Star Wars: The Last Jedi" comes out this week.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah!
-I'm excited.
So naturally there's only one thing to do --
edit all of the Star Wars characters
to sing Hanson's classic song "Mmmbop." Check this out.
♪♪♪♪
♪♪♪♪
-[ Laughs ]
♪♪♪♪
-Do. Or do not.
-There you go. Do or do not.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Get this, you guys.
A family in Florida took their elf on the shelf to the ER
after their dog tore it apart.
And doctors were able to save it.
While the guy in the next room was like,
"Don't worry! My broken leg will just fix itself. I'm okay!
You take care of that elf. That elf doll."
[ Applause ]
"I'm fine. I'll take my own appendix out.
That's okay. Don't worry about me."
[ Laughter ]
"Take care of the elf over there."
And finally, I'm very excited about this.
Another season of "The Bachelor" is coming up.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I heard that there are four contestants named Lauren.
[ Laughter ]
Everyone had a good laugh,
even the eight contestants named Ashley.
We have a great show tonight.
Give it up for The Roots, everybody!
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Trump's 12 Cokes of Christmas, Elf on the Shelf Hits the ER - Monologue

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