Weekend Update on Pizza Hut Delivering Alcohol

>>> PIZZA HUT ANNOUNCED IT WILL START DELIVERING BEER AND WINE
DELIVERY IN CITIES. CITIES SUCH IS AS LONELY TAUPE
AND NORTH SHANEFIELD. >> AT LEAST FOUR MAJOR WILDFIRES
HAVE BROKEN OUT AROUND LOS ANGELES FORCING THE EVACUATION
OF OVER 150,000 RESIDENTS. THE FIRES ARE THE WORST THING
SPREADING IN L.A. SINCE HARVEY WEINSTEIN'S BATH ROBE.
I SAID WORST THING. >> APPLEBEE'S IS SELLING $1 LONG
ISLAND ICE TEAS, THIS ACCORDING TO A TEACHER SLEEPING AT HER
DESK. >> WHILE R KELLY WAS ON TOUR
THIEVES BROKE INTO HIS HOME AND TOOK EVERYTHING FROM HIM.
DAMN. I BET HE WAS PISSED.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> A WOMAN IN BRISTOL, ENGLAND
SAYS SHE HAS HAD SEX WITH AT LEAST 20 GHOSTS.
OR, HEAR ME OUT, BRSHT DUDES ARE JUST SUPER PALE.
>> YOU KNOW, HERE ON WEEKEND UPDATE I'LL TELL A JOKE THAT
OFFENDS A MARGINALIZED GROUP AND I'LL GET A LOT OF MAIL ABOUT IT.
MOSTLY FROM SUPER LIBERAL WHITE WOMEN WHICH MADE ME THINK MAYBE
I SHOULD TRY TO SEE THINGS FROM THEIR PERSPECTIVE.
SO I DECIDED TO WALK A MILE THE BEST WAY I KNEW HOW.
BY GOING UNDERCOVER AS A WHITE WOMAN NAMED GRETCHEN.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
I HAD TO GO THROUGH A COMPLETE AND THOROUGH TRANSFORMATION TO
CONVINCE THE OUTSIDE WORLD THAT ME, BLACK ASS MICHAEL CHE WAS
ACTUALLY A LIBERAL WHITE WOMAN. I'M TALKING FUSSY SWEATERS,
CROCHETED HATS, SEVERAL SCARVES AT A TIME.
I MEAN YOU NAME IT, I DID IT. >> WHAT ABOUT MAKE UP?
>> WHAT'S THAT? >> DID YOU USE MAKEUP FOR YOUR
TRANSFORMATION? ♪♪♪
>> ONCE I HAD THE LOOK PERFECT, THE TRICKIEST PART FOR ME WAS
LEARNING HOW TO TALK LIKE A LIBERAL WHITE WOMAN.
SO I WENT ON YELP, I READ A BUNCH OF HUFFINGTON POST
ARTICLES. I LISTENED TO THE MOST IGNORANT
RAP MUSIC I COULD FIND. I READ THE LENA DUNHAM BOOK.
YOU KNOW, WHITE WOMAN STUFF. SO THAT'S ME.
I WAS FINALLY READY TO PUT MY TRANSFORMATION UP TO THE #
ULTIMATE TEST, SUNDAY BRUNCH. >> OH, MY GOD.
DID YOU SEE MEGHAN MARKLE'S ENGAGEMENT RING?
>> WORD. >> YES, IT'S GORGEOUS.
I'M SO JEALOUS. >> LOOK, I DON'T MEAN NO
DISRESPECT BUT I JUST FEEL LIKE THE MONARCHY IS LITERALLY THE
PATRIARCHY. AS A LIBERAL WHITE WOMAN, I
CAN'T SUPPORT THAT [ BLEEP ]. >> WOW.
THAT IS SO TRUE. >> IT WORKED.
EVERYBODY SAW ME AS A LIBERAL WHITE WOMAN NAMED GRETCHEN.
IT WAS PERFECT. >> I JUST DON'T SEE HOW CARDY B.
IS CONSIDERED A POSITIVE ROLE MODEL FOR THE FEMINIST MOVEMENT.
YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO THE WORDS.
SHE DON'T GOT TO DANCE NO MORE. SHE MAKE MONEY MOVES NOW.
>> YOU HANNAH, I'M BUGGING. >> NO YOU'RE NOT BUGGING.
YOU CAN'T IGNORE THE IMPORTANCE OF ECONOMIC EMPOWERMENT IF WOMEN
ARE EVER TO BE EQUAL. >> WHOA.
THAT'S WORD TO LULUMEMON RIGHT THERE.
>> MICHAEL CHE. >> NO.
>> THAT'S GRETCHEN. >> ALL RIGHT.
>> LIVING AS A LIBERAL WHITE LADY NAMED GRETCHEN, I FELT LIKE
PEOPLE WERE ALWAYS TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME.
WHETHER IT WAS DUDES MAN SPREADING ON THE SUBWAY.
MOVE YOUR LEG MAN. >> SORRY MAN.
>> IT'S A BIG CITY. THERE'S A LOT OF SKETCHY DUDES
OUT THERE. SOMETIMES I DIDN'T FEEL SAFE.
I THINK THE MOST FRUSTRATING PART WAS HAVING TO DEAL WITH
GUYS TRYING TO MANSPLAIN MY ISSUES TO ME.
I MEAN I LOST MY TEMPER A FEW TIMES OVER THAT.
>> WHITE MEN HAVE IT JUST AS HARD AS ANYBODY ELSE.
>> CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE, DUDE. >> IF WOMEN REALLY WANT TO BE
EQUAL -- >> HOLE MY WARBYS.
>> I'M GOING TO TALK OVER YOU. >> SO YOUR MASCULINITY IS MAD
TOXIC RIGHT NOW, MY NIGGA. SURE I WAS ONLY A LIBERAL WHITE
WOMAN FOR A DAY, BUT BUT IN THAT TIME I LEARNED A LOT.
I LEARNED THAT SOMETIMES WOMEN CAN BE REALLY MEAN TO EACH
OTHER. >> OH, THAT WHITE GIRL IS UGLY.
>> THEY DO EAT A LOT OF PIZZA AND A LOT OF SALADS TO BALANCE
OUT THE PIZZA. AND SOMETIMES THEY JUST GET
RANDOM MONEY IN THE MAIL FROM THEIR DAD.
>> DID I GOT ANY MAIL FROM MY PARENTS TODAY?
>> NO, I DIDN'T SEE NOTHING. OTHER THAN A FEW SMALL
DIFFERENCES THEY WANT THE SAME THING EVERYBODY ELSE WANTS,
EQUALITY, RESPECT. >> CHEERS --
>> AND WINE IN THE DAYTIME WITH NO JUDGMENTS.
THAT'S WORTH A LULULEMON. YO, CAN WE GET SOME MORE
MIMOSAS. I GET HEAVY HANDED WITH THE
CHAMPAGNE. TRYING TO GET [ BLEEP ] UP.
>> IM MICHAEL CHE AND I'M COLIN JOST GOODNIGHT
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Weekend Update on Pizza Hut Delivering Alcohol - SNL

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